losing the one thing I can count on

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wobbly

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losing the one thing I can count on
« on: January 23, 2019, 03:51:23 PM »
I'm scared, angry, and sad. And currently tired of faking it. I want to be kind, optimistic - but it's not real.
I've been going to an art studio, an amazing place that helps people like me. People with a ''disability'' - I'm not terribly fond of that word. I had an amazing arrangement, my government payed for it, to my surprise, and it's been just... everything, these past few years. I don't have the money to pay for something like this myself. It doesn't even exist - I can go to a normal art class, but it's nothing like this.
And now they've cut my budget in half. So I can go one day a week, instead of two or three. I thought someone made a mistake, so I called - but nope. This is just the way it is in 2019.

I went from a completely dissociated, terrified, quiet person in a corner to someone who feels like she belongs. Yesterday I found out they put all of my artwork in the window. Because my art ''isn't supposed to hang in the back''. These people have made me feel loved, appreciated, valued, talented. And frankly: sane.

I just sold my first painting. Someone has commissioned a new one. It's not a lot of money, but it feels like more than I've ever made doing anything - because I'm getting paid for this thing that feels like therapy, like something I choose to do anyway.

This is the one thing I can always count on - it has lifted me out of depression and made me feel less lonely every time. There's nothing else like that in my life.

And now. I have to hear from some dude on the phone that this is just the way it is. And I can't find anything about it online. I haven't heard about this from other people there. I don't know if it's just me and my situation - because everyone else is still there, some 5 days a week. It makes me think that my CPTSD isn't big enough of an issue to them? I have this ''plan'' in front of me, someone wrote down why I need this, my history, everything - and maybe my issues just aren't enough for them.

It makes me feel invisible and left to wither away. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do, how I'm going to manage life without it. I'm sat here looking for other options, because I know I have to do something. I'm also not ready to work - especially if I don't have my usual art studio family to fall back on.

There are no answers, and I don't feel like saying ''it'll be fine'' - because I genuinely don't know right now. I have no clue where to go from here, and I'm angry and sad that this is being taken away from me without warning or explanation. Like I don't matter. Like it's not a big deal.

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Three Roses

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Re: losing the one thing I can count on
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2019, 04:41:39 PM »
That really sucks, wobbly!  :pissed: I don't have anything to say but I wanted you to know you've been heard. Sorry you're going thru this.   :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: losing the one thing I can count on
« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2019, 07:04:43 PM »
So sorry to hear this Wobbly!  :hug: I think all your feelings are quite normal in response to having something you value and benefit from yanked away in large part.

Can you meet with or write a letter to this govt funder and at least let them know how you feel and how important the program is to you? If nothing else it lets you express how the way they handled things made you feel (and that's something those of us with CPTSD didn't get to do much), and maybe they will do better in the future. 

On the brighter side, glad to hear you've had some lovely affirmation of your art skills. Bravo! 
:applause:   :cheer:    :thumbup:

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LilyITV

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Re: losing the one thing I can count on
« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2019, 03:43:19 PM »
OMG that is awful!  And they handled it in such an insensitive way.  They could have let you know in advance  and explained to you what was going on better.  I'm with Kizzie.  Maybe if you can get in touch with someone they can make it right for you.  Just reading your post makes me feel they have made a huge mistake.