Managing this one

[Charlotte]

I had to visit my FOO last night, and for a very positive reason.  My Mom received a tribute for work she has done for about 10 years, and there was a big celebration.  I saw my whole family and some old family friends.

During the event, I was overcome with fear.  Younger me surfaced and I hated that I had to pretend I'm OK that I am using all of these defenses to be here.  Just writing this makes me feel like, thank goodness I've learned that I don't have to ignore my IC and be the anxious person that hoped this time, I'll act in an acceptable manner.  I'm not sure this is making sense. 

It's just so strange to be surrounded by people who love a system that was so painful to me.  I've paid for it in so many ways: career, relationships, health...  And they have no idea.   

It feels like my IC is beginning to integrate into my adult self and be ok.  But I haven't done much IC work formally.  I will spend more time reading the authors I've seen on this site.I think it will pay off tremendously.

Thanks lovely community.