H, panic attacks, criticism, escalations, trying to fix, bad patterns overall

[Perry1216]

My H has PTSD or ctpsd. Not sure if there's a difference anymore in the terms. I'm still new here.

H will start with critiquing.    Then I get annoyed, but try to keep my response low.

H will start to explain, which I just see as "more talking" and "more critiquing". 

Then I respond, since I try to tell him what the right way to address the situation would be.

He doesn't understand. He gets upset because of something I say that probably resembles something his BPD M would have said in the past.    Then it all goes to heck in a basket. 

I feel like this is a few separate behaviors rolled into one situation.

He also fears abandonment, so when I get mad or try to separate myself, he has a hard time with that and  he talks and tries to get my attention so that he can push into the situation and try to fix it.

This makes things worse. It does eventually help it to get better for the night because then he does all sorts of things to try to make up for his behavior.

But then we keep getting into bad patterns.

He also is beating himself up constantly. He is sad and angry for many reasons, including his career not launching in the direction he wanted.

I'm sorry. I don't know how to sum this up better. I'm still new at this.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry the two of you are going through this!   

Does he think he may have cptsd?

Ptsd and cptsd are similar but different. Here's a couple of few to some info -
http://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-description/

https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/what-is-cptsd

Hope you find this helpful.

[Gromit]

Hi Perry,

I am sorry, I am not sure if you are here for your own CPTSD or your H's symptoms. Personally, I am finding the messages from ACoA 'accept the people I cannot change' and also JP Sears more serious YouTube films regarding Abandonment really helpful in understanding my spouse, and I thought I was the one with the issues.

G

[Blueberry]

H will start to explain, which I just see as "more talking" and "more critiquing". 

Then I respond, since I try to tell him what the right way to address the situation would be.

He doesn't understand.

I'm sorry you're both going through this, it sounds like a stressful situation on both sides.
The bit I underlined really stands out for me. H is possibly venting, albeit in an annoying way for you, and not able to address the situation the way you think would be helpful. Your suggested way might not be 'right' for him. This doesn't mean you have to listen to him ad nauseam though.

My steps forward, my steps to try and improve situations which are unhealthy for me look painfully slow to someone not acquainted with cptsd. Often my way of dealing with the situations is not what somebody without cptsd would do. Especially those tiny, tiny steps forward I make, which often send me spiralling downwards even though they were the right step to make.

Is H in therapy or counselling of any kind? If he's not, he might not even take kindly to the suggestion from you so I'm not suggesting that you point him that way.

When your partner has cptsd, self-care is important. You might also like to check out our sister website Out Of The Fog which is for people dealing with somebody with a Personality Disorder. cptsd is NOT a PD but some of the Tools mentioned there are great for interactions with people in general.  See here: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1/ Some of these points should be able to help you disengage from H when he is venting instead of trying to point him the way forwards that you might go.

I assume that with a BPD M your H has cptsd not ptsd.

[Blueberry]

Sorry Perry, I realised just now this is an older thread of yours so the problem may be cleared up already or you've taken Kizzie's advice from Dec. 23 on board: If your H does not go to therapy that may be something you could suggest to him.  We have resources here about trauma therapy, databases and forms that can help in locating one that is trauma trained and experienced.

You may also want to check out this online  group for partners of people with Complex PTSD. It's a free but closed group moderated by Heather Tuba, a trauma coach whose H has CPTSD.