Dating or isolation

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Rainagain

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Dating or isolation
« on: January 02, 2019, 01:38:29 AM »
I am alone a lot.

Someone I know and have always really liked appears to be interested in return.

But, I am not really well enough for a relationship and being isolated is not a good reason to try to start a relationship I'm pretty sure I am not able to sustain.

I'm mid 50's not a teen, but feel confused.

What can you do if you are damaged but really like someone? I don't want to ruin things, I certainly don't want the guilt causing harm would bring me, the sense of failure would leave me more down than I am now.

I think I know the answer, be honest and realistic with yourself, if you aren't well enough that needs to be accepted.

But its really sad to accept the facts, like accepting defeat in some way.

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Deep Blue

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Re: Dating or isolation
« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2019, 01:41:42 AM »
Do you think you may be being a little tough on yourself?  Does this person know about your mental health?

Is there honesty between you two?  Maybe honesty is a good starting point?  Just tell them your worries about starting to date beforehand. 

Best of luck and clarity to you

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finallyfree

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Re: Dating or isolation
« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2019, 02:08:46 AM »
Dear Rainagain,
I totally get where your coming from. Would it be possible to just slow down and take this one step at a time. Have a conversation, get to know a little more. See how things go slowly? I know I have closed myself off because I get too overwhelmed by change and donít trust anyone. But I am attempting to try and take things one step and day at a time, to try and make a change and not get too overwhelmed in my mind to be able to move forward. I hope this for you as well. Good luck and all the best to you.
Finallyfree

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sj

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Re: Dating or isolation
« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2019, 04:30:10 AM »
other than not actually having anyone in the picture in any way at this moment, I do otherwise relate to what you are describing
I have been thinking of myself as Happily Single, as I just equate any close or intimate relationship as an EF minefield, at this point in my life, and I  feel like I just don't want to go anywhere near there..... but I do increasingly recognise my isolation with some concern and understand that relationships also have the potential to heal, so I am starting to entertain the idea that it might be possible one day

so I started thinking what both Deep Blue and finallyfree have said about honestly and carefully communicating where you are at to allow the possibility of something slow and respectful to evolve ...... I think, for myself, the sense of being all in and out of control just freaks me out and switches me off .... but if there was a possibility of something small-scale, quiet, slow, with mutually agreed baby-steps and that I felt in control enough of how it was developing, then it seems a bit more like something positive and welcome .... so if that makes sense, then basically  :yeahthat: to what the others said

anyway, hope you can feel less confused and knotted up

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Rainagain

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Re: Dating or isolation
« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2019, 01:46:47 PM »
I'm really touched by your thoughtful replies, thank you.

I think its hope I fear the most.

I've read my psych report again, it helps to ground me.

I've often posted that a professional diagnosis doesn't make much difference as the treatments all seem the same.

Yet I turn to my diagnosis as validation and a comfort, so it is a useful thing to have after all.

In my experience having expectations and hope means inevitable disaster, I think that is what is bothering me.

I am open about my mental health issues, they are pretty obvious anyway, something i struggle with, I'd like them to be safely hidden away.

Its all about anxiety. If things are bad I'm anxious, if things might improve I get more anxious than if they are bad but stable.

My isolation is a concern for me too SJ, its an attempt to get some sort of basic stability in my life but I've sort of set the bar too low. I have some control over my life now but its an uncomfortable life, I'm not sure if I'm lonely, just isolated and too anxious to see how to improve things without making things much worse.

Your helpful replies have given me a little self compassion, as well as feeling warmth and compassion for everyone on here, its such a tough road, but we try our best.

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finallyfree

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Re: Dating or isolation
« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2019, 01:57:52 PM »
 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: take care of you Rainagain, itís the most important thing.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Dating or isolation
« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2019, 08:26:52 PM »
hey, rainagain,

i went into a lot of situations/experiences without hope.  what i had instead was faith, faith that whatever came around i'd deal with it as best i could.  sometimes it was by myself, sometimes it was with help from someone else.  since you have gotten this far, i'd say that you have been dealing adequately with all the challenges you've come across in your life.

we might not do things perfectly or smoothly, but we do get thru and come out the other side.  we learn from our mistakes - i've heard that mistakes are opportunities for growth and change.  i really like what everyone else has said about going slowly, little steps, see what evolves.  you can stop any time during the process.

besides, i don't know of anyone who isn't damaged to some degree.  it may be that the two of you can help each other along the way.  and i heartily echo finallyfree - taking care of you is the most important.  sending love and a hug filled with perspective.

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LilyITV

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Re: Dating or isolation
« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2019, 04:44:38 PM »
Just want to say I love what everyone has told you on this thread.   :hug: :hug: :hug:  Good luck!!