Addictions, Obsessions, and Relationships

[Jazzy]

The other night I was in bed and thinking about life, and some of the struggles I've had, and how I'm dealing with things now. My thoughts went in a direction they never have before. This is far from a polished piece, but I want to just put the idea out there and see if anyone has something else to say on the matter.

I'm a very addictable person...  I get addicted easily to anything that one can get addicted to. It seems to me that it is similar to an overactive case of ADHD... where something of interest just takes over everything else in your life. Maybe the only real difference is a matter of degrees, or how bad  that something gets to be. On the other hand, I believe I have a lot of willpower, as I've broken most of my addictions without much, or any, help. In the past I've used things like alcohol, tobacco, and marijuana almost constantly... but for the most part, i have stopped all that. Maybe a few times a year I'll have a couple of drinks on a special occasion, but that's it. Unfortunately, those few times a year are when I feel the best. It is difficult, almost like self torture, but hey... I do what I'm supposed to do and stay sober. So... that's good, apparently... right?

Anyway, the first new thought that came to me is how similar addiction and obsession are. Have you ever tried to take away a drunk alcoholic's bottle? Good luck with that one! Honestly, I don't know what the difference is between addiction and obsession, if there even is any. So, this led me to think about how all of my romantic relationships to date have failed, and being honest about it, a big part of the reason they failed, is because I become obsessed with the person I'm involved in. It is really sad, because things start out so well, and it is a good healthy relationship... but as time goes on, I become worse, and things become detrimental to both of us.

So maybe, at its core, this is really another addiction problem that I have not yet begun to deal with yet, not even realizing what it really was. That idea is really concerning, because I thought I had all my addictions dealt with. I already feel like most things in life are beyond my control, which really does a number on my self esteem/confidence... but if this is yet another ugly truth to face, then so be it.

I'm sure there are a lot of other issues that come in to play, with relationships, such as the CPTSD interfering, and other general problems with my parents etc. warping the way I see people, and how a relationship is supposed to be.

But ultimately, how do I deal with this one? With the substance addictions, it is mostly a matter of staying away from them, and not allowing myself to participate. With this, I would really like to have a healthy romantic relationship one day, and so that method is not compatible.

Maybe this is another version of the million dollar question... all this stuff happened which has really damaged me, and distorted all of my relationships with other people... but how do you break that interference of it all, and have it stop ruining things in your life?

[Rainagain]

An addiction is a physical dependency, an obsession is a mental or emotional dependency?

Maybe they aren't the same but without healthy boundaries they look mighty similar?

Maybe they are the same, they both occur in the brain after all.

[Kalmer]

I find the healthiest way to combat an addiction is by replacing it for a healthier one. So if you find yourself addicted to alcohol, perhaps try a different non-alcoholic drink? And if you are struggling with an obsession - get into something new, something that will help you. Be kind to yourself and perhaps try cutting yourself some slack (and others, if you believe you have been overdoing/obsessing about someone)

[Ayisha]

Hi Jazzy
That is so sad that your relationships end up breaking up. You say that you bring obsession into the relationship, although you didn't mention how you obsess...what is it that you do? How does your obsession affect the other person?
Ishy

[Jazzy]

Well, I realize there is usually some level of infatuation at the beginning of a romantic relationship, but it never seems to end with me, and the other person usually ends up feeling smothered (which I understand logically speaking).

Really though, it seems like I make the other person responsible for my happiness, which I don't like. I want to be happy myself without needing someone else.

I'd say it is textbook symptoms, only about another person instead of a substance.

- Extraordinary positive feelings when interacting with them at first
- Thoughts become stuck/always return to the person
- Over time the extraordinary positive feelings begin to diminish, driving me to feel like I need to spend every possible second with them, even when I should be doing other things like housework, making a meal etc.
- Eventually end up feeling worse than before the relationship began, but still trying everything I can to get that "high" I experienced early on.

I'm not sure if that makes sense, but emotionally it feels exactly like what I have dealt with in the past with other addictions like drugs/alcohol.

In almost every relationship, both parties carry some of the blame, but the point for me is that even if it doesn't work out, I want to look back on it and be able to say that at least I did the best I could, and I was happy with the way I behaved... but I can't honestly do that. When I look back at how I behaved I think "what the * is wrong with me?! Why was I feeling and acting that way?" and I feel like someone remembering a relapse episode.

This latest instance was particularly troubling to me, because shortly before the relationship ended I realized that I cared very deeply for the person, but just thinking about them made me feel terrible (emotionally), and I couldn't understand why... I was so confused. Maybe that's a step in the right direction, but I still have a long way to go, and no idea how to get there.

[johnram]

I find the healthiest way to combat an addiction is by replacing it for a healthier one. So if you find yourself addicted to alcohol, perhaps try a different non-alcoholic drink? And if you are struggling with an obsession - get into something new, something that will help you. Be kind to yourself and perhaps try cutting yourself some slack (and others, if you believe you have been overdoing/obsessing about someone)

I find this has some truth, i was using exercise as a means to control help motivate me through my addiction, but without the inner and deeper work, it doesnt always work.  I wasnt able to exercise for a while and my addictions came back.  maybe it was my choice of what i did instead but i think a deeper understanding and resolution is often needed