Dissociated

[Deep Blue]

Dissociated
I float through the day.
Aimless.
It seems endless.
I go through the motions.
No highs.
No lows.
Detached from my surroundings.
A spectator of my own life.
An empty shell,
till the world cracks through again.

[Deep Blue]

Ugh,
Been feeling this way too much lately.  I keep dissociating during emdr. It seems to be my latest (unwanted) coping strategy.

I wish it would stop

[rainydiary]

I'm just beginning to understand dissociation as part of my experience.  I don't recognize it in myself.  I have become more aware of hypervigilance.  Then I have days like today where I become extremely detached and I don't even realize it.  I have more exploring to do but can see how I've been extra stressed and more aware of triggers so my brain is probably trying to cope.  I appreciate you sharing as it is helping me explore this part of myself. 

[JRose]

I also did not realize that I was dissociating all my life.  As I was growing up my older sister used to scold me for not paying attention enough.  I often did not know what was going on and sometimes could not follow conversations going on around me.  Later my husband and children thought I was just very quiet and did not have much to say about things.  All the time tons of thoughts and feelings were going through my head, seemed like too many to be able to express any of them, so I kept quiet.  The other feeling I had was that there were so many people who needed to speak, and my opinion was not as important.

"The world cracks through", you wrote in the poem.  For me that could describe the first time I had to stay at the hospital (for a series of eye OPs) and was faced with the need to stand up for myself and the care I needed.  That really was the start of turning from a pattern of escape, to actively engaging step by step in the world.