Adult onset cptsd

[Rainagain]

I'm having thoughts about the way I am, the way I have dealt with trauma and the way it has changed me.

I am wondering if my cptsd/PTSD is actually quite a bit different to cptsd from childhood.

Maybe not the same at all.

In future years there might be additions to the psych textbooks, and there I will be.

It dawned on me quickly on here that childhood cptsd is worse than my adult trauma.

My major traumatic events were in adulthood, they were 25 yrs ago, 16 years ago and 3-4 years ago.

They were all unusually 'bad', stuff that 'shouldn't happen' to people.

But as an adult I had adult resilience, I had a chance to deal with my trauma.

And there was time between trauma to regroup, to adjust a little.

I'm wondering if what I have is only complex because it involves several traumas, each one overlaid on someone who was already emotionally distorted by the earlier trauma.

Like a Rubik's cube. I started out with all the colours in order but several twisting moves later and its all jumbled up, no patterns left, maybe a few rows of one colour but mostly just bits and pieces.

Childhood cptsd seems different to me, like the cube never had the colours in the right place at the start.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe if all our cubes now look like the same tricky jumble then its pointless to remember that some were once in order, because mine is definitely messed up now. And the past has gone by and isn't coming back.

I don't know the trick to solving the Rubik's cube, and I can't find a trick to sort myself out.

Sorry to ramble, I like analogies, even if this one isn't great.

[Three Roses]

While cptsd may differ based on the stage of development in which we experience trauma, I don't think it is any less painful, debilitating, frustrating, etc for those of us who suffered trauma as adults, and who now have cptsd because of it. I'm sorry for the traumas you've suffered, Rainagain. 

[Rainagain]

Thanks TR.

I am trying to put things together so I can understand the picture.

Not a dazzling success so far, but keep going and it might work.

[Contessa]

I've been thinking the same thing of late Rainagain, but i've also come to the realisation that my childhood was in actual fact quite thwart with dysfuntional dynamics.

My resilience has always been tested, but I was always able to come out on top. But I was not living a life.

So my family always gave the rubix a twist or two, and I spent my time righting it. Forget getting out there and dealing with the pressures of life, because that would twist further and make repair harder.

I then decided to assert myself, cube got messed up, and with the momentum of those spins, my family just gave them a few more taps.

It's funny, my older brother was always the black sheep of the family. His cube was given the bigger spins, then mine took off.

Good analogy.

[LearnToLoveTheRide]

Hi

I don't recall having any childhood traumas that led to cPTSD; all my traumas occurred in adulthood. But my adult traumas are unfortunately my children's childhood traumas. They say children are resilient and 'grow out' of their traumas. From what I've seen I don't think so - they carry them into adulthood and express them in many different dysfunctional ways.

Are adults more resilient? I don't know. I recently read (sorry, no citation) that psychiatrists, when working backwards from the present to the past can identify exactly when a pathology started to develop. On the other hand, there's no hard and fast rule which guarantees that all people facing the same trauma will respond in the same way.

Take care... LTLTR

[Wattlebird]

Hi Rainagain
There's an interesting utube vid called understanding complex trauma by Diane langberg that discusses that there are 2 ways of getting cptsd one from childhood abuse and one from multiple layers of trauma, but that they effect you the same although children often learn to dissociate more in early years, so tend to have more difficulties with that, but the traumas however and whenever they were experienced still have a profound effect in both cases I wouldn't say one had a worse effect than the other just different.

[Rainagain]

Multiple layers of trauma sounds about right.

So complicated I have a hard time working out cause and effect.

At least some of my trauma came from trying to protect my children from theirs, those are the issues I'm happy to carry with me.

Life is so messy and confusing.