CPTSD and addiction

[Ayisha]

Does anyone have information or opinions about CPTSD and addiction.
I started drinking when i was 16 and I'm 58 now and still drinking. I am a functional alcoholic, but of course i would be a better person if i didn't drink at all. Over the years my drinking has affected all areas of my life including family/relationships, business/work and finances, not to forgot my health/weight. But still i continue regardless of the consequences. Apparently people with CPTSD are highly prone to  developing addiction.
It's so nice to be communicating with people who understand.
Ayisha

[Kizzie]

There is a link between trauma & addiction unfortunately.  There's a couple of articles here (http://www.outofthestorm.website/academic-articles/ - scroll down to comorbidities), and a sub-forum here with more info = http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=241.0.

You may also want to Google Gabor Mate - he's a Canadian physician who speaks a lot about the link in a very caring and humane way which very much helps with reducing shame or so I found. 

Note - I moved your post to this sub-forum so you might get more responses. 

[Mojo50]

Hi. I'm 50 and have been in recovery from alcohol for almost 7 years. I go to AA, which saved my life. Once sober, I was finally clear enough to start peeling off the layers of my multiple childhood traumas ( w/ a trauma therapist). We use alcohol to numb out the pain. I didn't want a buzz..... I wanted to obliterate. I now work with many women who abuse alcohol. You can quit if you really really want to. PM me anytime. I never ever thought I'd make it through one day without a drink!!!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi ayisha
Thank u for your post
Yes I know very well about the relationship between trauma and addictions. For me I started using food mainly sugar at a young age ( this progressed and developed into dreadful binge eating disorder over the years).
I used the food to soothe feelings that I didn't understand and the overwhelm of the ffo. At 14 I picked up alcohol, smoking and drugs.. I ran on this (in all the ways imaginable) until I was 36 when I went to the rooms of AA. I'm 45 now and so gratefully free from all those addictions via 12 step programmes -  a miracle and a great blessing.
I can see now that I was predisposed to using anything I that was available to me to numb emotions and shut my head up also the extreme low self worth. As children and young people we didn't get healthy nurturing and so we go. Out into the world broken and parts of us missing. As I grew into an 'adult' I looked 'functional (did I really..) on the outside. But actually was a unloved women who. Didn't know how to self care myself and the small girl within was crying out for love, attention and healing.
Literature I've read talks about raising dopamine via addictions and that the brains of trauma survivors are affected by the trauma hence looking to raise dopamine, endorphins and seratonin.
The long and short of it for me was I didn't want to be in reality, hated myself always felt less than others.
Getting free of addictions for me has needed a lot of support and the 12 step fellowships have given me so many people I can turn to and a sponsor who is there for me. Working the steps to look at my internal world has and continues to help me grow. I've also had trauma therapy and have just been taken on by a community mental health team. And of course this forum is such a great support.
From your post ayisha it sounds like you want change and see how your life and self is being affected. Physical dependence now requires support to get clean.. Mental and emotional dependence now requires support..

Hope something of what I shared has helped you identify... Sending u best wishes and hope for an addiction free life

[sigiriuk]

Emotional pain is a very tough experience.
Alcohol makes it better. So does cannabis. Well at least temporarily...I can get some relief for as long as I am wasted.
Yes, any trauma, leads to emotional pain in adulthood, which doesnt go away, even after the trauma has stopped.

Drugs and alcohol cannot prevent the pain from occurring.
And they can't stop the pain coming back afterwards.
But, boy, do they work, in the ultra-short term.
What makes drugs so effective, is that I ended up convincing myself, that being stoned is a positive experience, and I sincerely believed that I could control my pain by using them, and that drugs were a long term solution.

What I do know, now, is that drugs/alcohol could not stop my abusers, and they can't stop me reliving that pain and hopelessness.
Only another person can help me to stop reliving that pain.

[Kizzie]

I went through much the same thing when I was drinking.  It numbed me but then I would wake up and there would be all the pain again.  Eventually I knew I had to stop because booze had become the problem (so I had two problems instead of one), and it did not permanently take away the pain, it added to it.

Like Slim suggests I started talking about everything, coming here, going to therapy, telling my H more, and that connection was what drew me out of the dark place the trauma had held me for so long.  So please continue to post here, and as I mentioned take a minute to listen to Gabor Mate's videos. He speaks about the role of trauma in addiction and it takes away the shame and provides a sense of relief, or at least it did for me. I found that when my shame subsided I was better able/more inclined to connect with others and that is key imo. 

[sj]

hi Ayisha

I'm in my mid 40s and started drinking at 14. With willpower I did manage a big break of close to 8yrs where I drank rarely, but then started drinking heavily and regularly again with various things unravelling in my life. I feel that by this time I had seriously depleted my stores of willpower.

For a few years from around 2010-2013 I started to feel scared by my drinking, and finally went to AA in 2013. At that time of my life AA was exactly what I needed to help me interrupt my habitual cycles. I went to a number of different meetings (fortunately I was an area which had quite a few happening), which I'm glad I did as I found I clicked with some groups more than others. The most powerful aspect of that time, for me, was that I was finally acknowledging to myself - via speaking it in front of others - that my drinking was a serious issue and that I wasn't going to let myself hide from that anymore. It was a major self-empowerment step. After a while, however, I started to have a feeling that AA just wasn't fitting for me and I found I couldn't continue to attend. I recognise and respect the incredible benefit it has given to many people, as well as give thanks for the good things it gave me. I also want to acknowledge that it isn't a good fit for everyone, and I was one of them.

By late 2014 I had a serious crash in health and my life dramatically deteriorated. It was around this time that I finally found out about CPTSD and started my early explorations of the relevance of that to my life. Then I read an article, and also an accompanying TED talk, by Johann Hari, which made the case that addiction was related to lack of connection. His description of something called Rat Park had an enormous effect on my insights and thinking. I read his book - Chasing the Scream - and came across the work of Gabor Mate and others with similar views, and it started opening my mind to the relationship between trauma and substance abuse. I found out about the correlations between ACE scores and substance abuse, and could see how much it fitted my life. This phase was extremely significant for me as it made a huge impact on my sense of shame and personal defect, much like Kizzie mentions regarding Gabor Mate's work. This approach is very kind, humane, non-shaming.

Four years down the track and my drinking has radically shifted in a very positive way. Dealing with the CPTSD has been the biggest basis for that. Understanding more about why I drink and working out how to introduce healthy methods of self-soothing - both in crisis and pre-emptively - has been a massive key. I also have been undertaking a biochemistry approach to improving my physical health, which I feel is also shifting how my body processes everything, including alcohol. But the thing is, most of the time I do not crave to drink. I even feel active disinterest and aversion to it most of the time, which is still kind of hard for me to believe  - I do not feel like an alcoholic anymore, where not that long ago I just knew I was. I do not exercise willpower in this - it is a natural absence of a compulsive craving to drink. I still have my moments, but it is increasingly rare, now, and I'm getting better at having compassion for myself when that happens. Plus I know to just keep doing what I'm doing. I couldn't have achieved any of this without the realisation that the causes of CPTSD were my root issues and that the drinking was just another of a collection of behaviours that are part of CPTSD symptoms and expression.

So, yes - there is a recognised link between CPTSD and drinking/ substance abuse, and I have found working with that understanding fundamental to my recovery and dependence. It has been crucial - for me - to recognise that my drinking was an understandable method for me to cope with the pain and legacy of trauma, so it is not a sign that I am 'bad' or 'defective' and making 'bad choices', etc. But also crucial to recognise that by continuing to drink in the manner I was, I was actually unconsciously perpetuating cycles of abuse and needed to start learning how to show myself better love and care by finding healthier, non-damaging coping mechanisms.

Hope something in that is useful to you.

All the best 

from Aces Connection - https://www.acesconnection.com/blog/stop-treating-solutions-like-problems-an-ace-s-informed-approach-to-substance-abuse-treatment

Johann Hari TED talk - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PY9DcIMGxMs

[Kizzie]

the thing is, most of the time I do not crave to drink. I even feel active disinterest and aversion to it most of the time, which is still kind of hard for me to believe  - I do not feel like an alcoholic anymore, where not that long ago I just knew I was. I do not exercise willpower in this - it is a natural absence of a compulsive craving to drink. I still have my moments, but it is increasingly rare, now, and I'm getting better at having compassion for myself when that happens. Plus I know to just keep doing what I'm doing. I couldn't have achieved any of this without the realisation that the causes of CPTSD were my root issues and that the drinking was just another of a collection of behaviours that are part of CPTSD symptoms and expression.

This has been my experience too sj, an absence of any craving to drink that I heard most people trying abstain have.  I too think it is because I found out what is at the root of things - CPTSD and stored trauma -- and got work in earnest on that.  I've occasionally thought about having a drink too when I've had a tough time but it is just not something I ever want to have to deal with again so it doesn't take much willpower, just some realistic pulse taking about what the best direction is for me to take. 

Hope this doesn't derail your thread Ayisha, I more just wanted to reinforce what sj had to say as it was so similar to my own experience & thinking about drinking.

[Ayisha]

Wow thank you so much for your feeds. I have been away for a while, so i haven't been on line. What you have written is very interesting and uplifting. For the time being i am going to continue to drink... i am still trying to process and accept everything about CPTSD. However i do recognise that i am not a bad person anymore. I was so ashamed.... it was all so consuming. I became suicidal on a number of occasions over the years. But not anymore... god have mercy on our souls. (Not that I'm religious).
Love Ishy

[Kizzie]

i am still trying to process and accept everything about CPTSD. However i do recognise that i am not a bad person anymore.

Ayisha, that's a huge step 

[johnram]

This has been my experience too sj, an absence of any craving to drink that I heard most people trying abstain have.  I too think it is because I found out what is at the root of things - CPTSD and stored trauma -- and got work in earnest on that.  I've occasionally thought about having a drink too when I've had a tough time but it is just not something I ever want to have to deal with again so it doesn't take much willpower, just some realistic pulse taking about what the best direction is for me to take. 

thats fantastic.  I have felt elements of this but i need to develop it further

[Kizzie]

Gabor Mate is a well known Canadian physician, author and speaker  who works in addiction and has a lot of very compassionate things to say about trauma and addiction.  Google him and a lot comes up to choose from.

[LearnToLoveTheRide]

Hi

I was an addict and alcoholic for most of my teen years. I sobered up and cleaned up 26 years ago but circa December 2017, during a very difficult period in my recovery from C-PTSD, I started to feel at risk of using again. I joined a local NA group and found it very beneficial. I stayed clean.

Stay safe...LTLTR

[johnram]

Hi

I was an addict and alcoholic for most of my teen years. I sobered up and cleaned up 26 years ago but circa December 2017, during a very difficult period in my recovery from C-PTSD, I started to feel at risk of using again. I joined a local NA group and found it very beneficial. I stayed clean.

Stay safe...LTLTR

that is wonderful, i have had one of those battles (after 2 years sober though) also and know how hard it is
Well done

[Kizzie]

   and      and      LTLTR and JR.