Scared

[Sceal]

I am not sure if this is in the right place.

My roomie has been going on my nerves so much lately (My roomie is also my ex bf for a few years now). Ive not felt comfortable at home, getting no rest. But today he left to visit his family over the holidays and I am suddenly scared. It's empty and lonely and I am unprotected. I live in the same place as I did when I was in contact with the "sect people" and they know where I live. I haven't seen them for 2 years, I have been ghosting them. I changed my phone number and my social media pages. But I am scared they will come knocking. I have no defence.

I had hoped that I could finally get some rest, get some re-charging and re-focus my mind on what's to come for the next year. Instead I am hiding in my bedroom plagued by old memories, quick flashbacks and the fear there will be a knock on the door.

[the mirliton]

Dear Sceal,
I totally get it with living with fear. Speaking for myself, I feel deep frustration when I am immobilized by it, adding to the intensity of the fearful feelings instead of accomplishing a I-am-moving-forward agenda.    This poem has been my "go to chant" for more years than I would like to recall and I look forward to the day when I do not need to bring it to the fore-front of my brain to help me navigate the dark waters of being alone and fearful. It was written by William Ernest Henley (1849-1903) and is titled Invictus
"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul."

Sceal you deserve restorative rest! May it find you.

[Blueberry]

Dear Sceal, yikes.    I'm sending strength and a blanket from the Porch full of a sense of safety.

Not to ask a really, really dumb question or anything  but could you have slipped into a massive EF? Is there anybody you know and trust who could come by your apartment and just be with you? That did used to help me dispel these panic demons.

I hope you're feeling a bit better now, since a few hours have passed. If not, as wife#2 would say: "Keep breathing".

[Deep Blue]

Hey Sceal,
Any chance you could visit a friend for the night? I like Blueberry's idea about inviting a friend over when you feel scared.

Sending you love and support sweetie

[Sceal]

Thank you so much for sharing your poem with me Mirliton! It was beautiful.

I think you're right Blueberry, it was a major EF. I got through it though, I did end up falling asleep - although it wasn't any pleasant dreams at least my body got some rest.

Deep Blue, unfortunatedly no. I don't have that kind of friends I could invite over.

I feel alot better now though. Thank you for listening

[Blueberry]

Glad you're feeling better!

[Kizzie]

Me too Sceal 

[Sceal]

Thank you guys