I can't deal with separation.

[FriendOfHobbits]

Hello all, I'm very happy to be here. I am a man, 33 years of age and I've struggled my whole life with a aching feeling in my stomach that something is not right. I waited for a long time before finally contacting a professional, this was about ten years ago. My therapist at that time were focused on psychodynamic therapy, she told me I had a strong superego. I had no idea what that meant at the time.

After a few sessions I got a new therapist with focus on cbt, and that's what I've encountered since then. I've been diagnosed as type 1 bipolar and medications have proven succesfull (lithium). Yet my issues from childhood, the nervousness, the feeling of isolation and loneliness has never left me, it seems to live it's life outside of the bipolar realm. Two years ago I came in contact with a person that fits the description of a narcissistic personality type (not disorder necessarily). This person really shook my world with an eerie ability to say things that would change my mood in an instant. I've had to go home from work over comments that were so harmful to me personally that I would enter complete breakdown mode.

I've been able, through the help of online coaching and therapy to recognize my emotions better, and I can now see how absolutely insane my mood swings can be. Separation is particularly difficult for me, leaving work for the holidays or just wrapping up a nice evening among friends can make me see only black. Particularly when alcohol is involved I fear what might happen. I'm not a habitual drinker by any stretch of the imagination but sometimes social gatherings happen and I will have a few. Last time I did that, when time came to call it a night, I became exceedingly distressed and dark minded. Rage and despair took over. I would wake up the next day and be fine basically, but these rapid shifts in mood keep on happening. Sometimes for a somewhat obvious reason, oftentimes completely obscure.

One of my first memories from childhood is that of a leaking radiator in our house. I must have been three or four. The few drops of water on the floor seemed so utterly catastrophic that I was convinced death was coming. And here I am today, seeking help that I don't really know right now to ask for from the people close to me.

Hope this was not too long and rambly. Cheers from Sweden 

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum!

You mention bipolar and then some things "outside the realm" of that. Do you think those things are caused by cptsd in your case? They certainly could be, if they are things from childhood. You don't have to have a confirmed diagnosis to be on the forum because not all doctors recognise cptsd themselves, however this is a forum for people with cptsd. If you have something else, we might not be able to help you much.

It certainly sounds as if you have been making progress with online therapy and coaching. That's good to hear!

[FriendOfHobbits]

Sorry about not following the guidelines in my first post.. CPTSD is a foreign concept where I live. I believe CPTSD could very well be what I have. So much of it fits and nothing else really makes much sense. I have debilitating panic issues as well. I don't mean to intrude, all I can say is that CPTSD is the only lense I have found to view my own issues through that did any real good.

[Kizzie]

You're not intruding at all FoH, welcome to the forum and I'm glad you found your way here.  Kudos also for exploring whether you have CPTSD in addition to your bipolar diagnosis, it's a lot to face.

If you haven't mentioned to your therapist yet that your mood shifts drastically when you consume alcohol it might be an idea to do so.  Seeing your mood swings and dealing with the underlying reasons for them are two different (albeit related) things.  If you experienced trauma as a child common thinking among mental health professionals is that the trauma needs to be processed and CBT may only take you so far. 

Do you know if the T you're seeing has specific training in trauma, in particular Complex PTSD?  You may want to clarify that as it's important to find a T who does so that treatment is focused and effective.  CBT can help as I mentioned but you may need other strategies as well (e.g., relational therapy in which you learn to trust, to connect, to feel a sense of safety and belonging in the therapeutic relationship - see Pete Walker's article on this - http://pete-walker.com/pdf/relationalHealingComplexPTSD.pdf). 

[Blueberry]

Sorry FofH I didn't mean to suggest you're intruding here! You are welcome here, and from your second post it really sounds like cptsd.

Kizzie has given you valuable information, hope it's helpful.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, FoH! Thanks for joining.

[FriendOfHobbits]

Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement  I am happy to report that I have been making good progress as of late. I wish you all a happy new year in the spirit of good health in moving forward through 2019.

[Blueberry]

I am happy to report that I have been making good progress as of late.

That's good to hear!
'Good health moving forward' is a good wish for the new year, thank you from me anyway.
Blueberry

[Kizzie]

  and  to you FoH!