Gaining Strength

[Elsiethewondercat]

Hello all, this is my first post here.  I have been reading some of your posts and the replies and I just wanted to express how I am drawing strength from you all just by being able to relate to your stories, feelings and experiences.  I say I am drawing strength, however it still remains what feels like a daily battle to just be me. To express myself, stand up for myself and process my feelings.

I was bullied for many of my school years, complete emotional abuse, throughout these years my parents and siblings were emotionally unavailable and distant or absent.  I wasn't abused, physically, I was fed, clothed, given a roof over my head and treated to toys/holidays/birthdays etc, but my parents worked, my mother worked nights, my father would go to the pub and leave the three of us to our own devices. I feel like I raised myself from the age of about 6. I suffered horrific bullying and a sexual assault at school which was reported to the head teachers but not taken seriously.  I was too embarassed and scared to involve my parents and the school eventually brushed it all under the carpet, this was the 1980s and they tended to get away with it then.

I fell in love very easily by the time i was a teenager, typically with emotionally unavailable men.  I fell pregnant at 19 and was shoehorned down the ailse as it was 'the right thing to do'.  He never loved me and i suffered a further 8 years of emotional abuse and indifference.  Eventually I found the courage to leave with two young children, I was taken advantage again by one of his friends (who i again fell in love with too easily) and then of course was the shunned one for having an affair.  Never mind the fact my husband had cheated on me throughout our relationship.  My own Mother screamed at me down the phone 'why can't you make your marriage work!?'...

I then went through life bumping from situation to situation, friends, jobs, boyfriends all came and went, sucking life out of me and throwing away what was left and no longer any good to them.  Like many of you on here, I had never heard of CPTSD until 2 years ago (I am now 45).  I was always acused of being 'over sensitive', 'going off the deep end', 'exagerating', 'being a victim'.  It has always felt like trouble followed me around without me looking for it, does anyone else feel that?  I think sometimes people who have been abused one way or another must have some kind of beacon flashing above their heads telling the Narc, look here, easy supply!

My latest struggle is with my downstairs neighbour, a very passive agressive man who thinks it is ok to make noise well into the early hours because he is awake at different hours.  He has no consideration for other people.  The level of courage it has taken to challenge him is enornmous as he is very intimidating to me.  I've done it and it hasn't gone down well but I have stood up for myself and also reported him now.  I refuse to be bullied again.  I am now starting to gain strength and respect myself and my own self worth.  Having this forum to relate to and hopefully people to speak to and friends to make makes a huge difference, so thank you. x

[Deep Blue]

 
Welcome and thanks for sharing.  I'm glad you have already drawn strength from many of us. 

This forum really is a supportive bunch in every sense of the word.  Take care and look forward to hearing more from you

[Three Roses]

Welcome!

It has always felt like trouble followed me around without me looking for it, does anyone else feel that?

Yes! And I have felt like everyone else knew how to operate in this world but that I was an alien, a foreigner.

I'm glad you're here.

[finallyfree]

Welcome and all the best to you now moving forward. It helps so much to have this forum of kind caring people that understand what we have all gone through and experienced.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Elsie      It  sounds to me like you have a really good handle on what caused your CPTSD and what you need to do to heal/recover.  When I first arrived at our sister site Out of the FOG I didn't and it took quite some time to figure things out.  Like you though talking with others and reading their posts made such a difference.  IME There's nothing like having a tribe finally who gets what you're talking about and can relate and provide support and encouragement.   Anyway, glad you found your way here 

[LilyITV]

Welcome!  Thanks so much for sharing your story.  I know you must be really proud of standing up to your neighbor.  That is huge! 

[RiverRabbit]

 "There is nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself."

- Hannah Gadsby