I think maybe not being creative literally keeps me awake

[wobbly]

My ideal bed time: 4 a.m. It's been this way for as long as I can remember - when I worked, I used to sleep 3/4 hours max, and I'd sleep for another four when I came home. I'd try, and I'd lie there for hours. It's absolute torture, my heart's racing, I'm sweating, and all I can think is: I have to sleep. Because I want to work, I want to have a life, I want to be normal. And all that stress, of course, keeps me wide awake. When so much is dependent on me falling asleep asap, it's way too much pressure.

I know my father's violence/screaming/crying or whatever else he chose to do that night used to wake me up around 11 p.m. He'd go on for hours, and when morning came, he'd be exhausted and go to sleep. So I know it's probably connected.

But I also had one period where I was fine. I volunteered, and got to be creative 4 days a week. I don't enjoy mornings, I'd bike there and would feel cranky, and sure, I still had issues letting go of everything at night - but I did it. I fell asleep around 11, woke up at 7. I think having a purpose, doing something I love more than anything, with and for other people - that meant everything to me. I could put all of my energy into it, there'd be a finished product, and that was so fullfilling - it's the happiest I've ever been.

So whenever therapists make it all about my father, I hear them, and I too don't see how something like that could ever not leave its mark. But I don't think it's the whole story, and I don't think it's where I should look for answers. Not anymore, at least. I feel like I've dealt with it properly, like I can talk about it with ease, even. I feel that the thing that has left the scars that I'm dealing with now, is that I couldn't do what I loved, what I wanted to, what made me feel useful. Making things, being creative, is necesarry for me. It's the most fullfilling thing. I can't live without it, and I think I might not be able to sleep without it. So much is left unexpressed, and I feel like that's what's keeping me awake at night. All that energy that I'm surpressing and holding onto.

And it's weird, because it feels... like a luxury. But I'm starting to think that it isn't. Maybe this is it. Maybe instead of looking back and trying to fix the past, I need to commit to being the creative person I've always been. That's scary, and it feels like a silly, selfish thing to do and live for... But I also think we need everyone to do what they love the most. That that's when we're at our best. What a weird thing, that I've told myself I'm not allowed to do that, just because other people told me to stop, quit, give up. Just because I didn't get into an art school. Forcing myself to stay quiet and small... I think that may have everything to do with lying awake at night.

I just needed to get that off my chest. I'm so frustrated, I hate waking up late. Especially this time of year, when it gets dark around 4 p.m. It's so depressing. I want to go for a morning walk, be outside in the sun, not have to rush because stores are already closing. I hate that I have zero control over it, I'm so done with it. I didn't even know what I was going to write. Had quite a few realizations while typing this. Actually doing it - being creative, grabbing my camera, writing, painting - is absolutely terrifying to me. But maybe I'm at a point where I can start to tackle it, sleeping and being creative. One day at a time. Writing this being another step.

[Rainagain]

I am glad you wrote this.

I hope you can give yourself permission to be creative, do it, its fine to follow your nature and your passion.

[wobbly]

Thanks for the kind response. I'm going to try - logically, I know it's what I'm meant to be doing. But I just feel guilty and selfish, still.

[Sceal]

I don't think being a creative is selfish. Creating something, and making it with your own imagination and hands, and then sharing it with the world. It's vulnerable, and it's important. A world without art would be quite depressing and dull, I'm not just saying that because I'm a creative too. But because there's been made studies of this.

[wobbly]

Late response, Sceal, but yes, I also feel that way. I try to remember sitting in front of Monet paintings and having a tear stream down my cheek. That was years ago, and what I felt then is still a source of hope and joy today. My walls are covered in art, it's how I start my day and end it, in many ways. Maybe it's something to do with how I grew up, with parents who had professions where their sole goal was directly helping people. Maybe it's parts of society that tell us it's silly and frivolous. Idk.

But it isn't, you're right. I know other people's art has literally kept me alive, and I know I'm not alone. Maybe there'll always be these two voices, one saying it's a waste of time and the other convinced it's what I should be doing. I'm going to try my best listening to the last one.

[Kizzie]

Thanks for the kind response. I'm going to try - logically, I know it's what I'm meant to be doing. But I just feel guilty and selfish, still.

That's something a lot of us were taught or manipulated into feeling but if you ever watch children who haven't dealt with trauma they just naturally seem to be creative and carefree. I think we (adult trauma survivors) could all use much more of this in our lives.

Anyway, I say go for it wobbly!  Enjoy, have fun, be creative and let that part of you find its way out again! It's healthy and healing and just so, so good for the soul. 

[Blueberry]

But I also had one period where I was fine. I volunteered, and got to be creative 4 days a week. .. I think having a purpose, doing something I love more than anything, with and for other people - that meant everything to me. I could put all of my energy into it, there'd be a finished product, and that was so fullfilling - it's the happiest I've ever been.

Making things, being creative, is necesarry for me. It's the most fullfilling thing. I can't live without it, and I think I might not be able to sleep without it. So much is left unexpressed, and I feel like that's what's keeping me awake at night. All that energy that I'm surpressing and holding onto.

These parts really stand out for me in your original post.  I'm having trouble being creative atm which for me means spending time with colour or making sound e.g. singing or humming but I do find when I get back to these types of activities it's as if a whole new dimension in me opens up and the depression is pushed away.

It sounds as if you really know what you need in order to thrive. That's not selfish at all. I agree with Kizzie, go for it!!

  the closest emoji I can find for creativity here