Alone

Started by AncientSoul, February 18, 2019, 08:23:50 PM

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AncientSoul

Rarely I come to this site anymore, but am grateful for all this site and the people here have taught me. I personally felt that I used this site far too much in the past. People here really have helped me to understand what was and is happening to me.

Despite that, I find myself alone far too much, and I like to be around people. I enjoy asking people how they are and also enjoy listening to them talk. But forgiving someone who has used me and hurt me for no good reasons is still out of reach for me. And I have lost many friends for reasons I cannot fathom. It seems to me that discussion with others has been replaced by them with solitude and technology, even when surrounded by others.

Yesterday I was able to leave my place for the first time in weeks. I have been snowed in and the road to my place is still dangerous. Yet I got out and went to an event. Being around people was what I needed, yet I felt so alone though I spoke with many people. And as usual, I chose someone new to talk with. Yesterday it was an older man sitting alone in a powered wheelchair.

After so many decades of my taking care of family, I am used to older and disabled people. And I don't change anything with how I treat them in talking. As far as I'm concerned, people are people and the things they need to be mobile are just that, but also part of them. Respecting their privacy zone is something I have learned.

I have noticed that person in the wheelchair at many such events, and they are usually left alone after the person helping them gets them in the wheelchair. So after breaking the ice, we had a nice chat, which included exchanging names. It was a participation event, so we both had to do what we were there for.  And upon heading to where I was supposed to be, someone with crutches stopped me and asked for my help. I was asked to help them get their wheelchair out of their car. I gladly did that with a smile. I had never seen that person who asked me for help use a wheelchair before. It had always for them, been crutches or something like that.

Today, I checked the results from the event of yesterday. The person in the motorized wheelchair did the best they have ever done by far. I looked back through the records this morning which are online. Yesterday was also the first time I have seen them smile.

Today I came here because I am alone nearly all the time. But that is my choice, and to friends, my door is always open. Yet I rarely have a visitor. Maybe one or two a year. But I like what happened yesterday and wanted to share. Just because someone may look different, may sound different, doesn't mean they are that different. Often, they really don't want to be alone, they may want a friend.

Best,
AncientSoul

Rainagain

Very pleased it went so well.

A busy event like that would be 6 months social interaction compressed into an evening so you did splendidly.

Do you find events like that fray your nerves?  You sound comfortable with it, which is great in tackling isolation, a real strength.

AncientSoul

Greetings, and thanks for responding.

As a very young child, I have been told that I displayed a lot of self-confidence. Probably far too much. And my abuser was my much older sister, who I now stay away from and do not engage with her. This site helped me realize and come to grips with that fact. But I had fair warning from my parents. Narcissist influence is a powerful tool. My self-confidence was replaced as a young child with fear of doing something wrong, as I was told that I was selfish, no good and many other things which I learned late in life were meant to hurt me by my sister so she could control me.

Fact is, I'm a people person. I like to see people smile and be happy. And when the Narcissist influence was not constantly around me, that is how I was, and groups or a large gathering is actually enjoyable to me. Myself, I love to listen to peoples stories, and the one thing I hate to do is to cause anyone pain.

But I myself still feel pain, and that is a constant struggle. That is because my older sister lives across the road from me. She has been fulfilling what my brother and parents told me she would do. Taking all that my family has ever owned. Only I am left to stand in her way. Thus, my isolation.

Oddly, my nerves get frayed when leaving my property and driving past where my sister lives. I have yet to master the control of those emotions. But when I am away and know I will not run into my sister, I feel like my old self, laughing, joking, helping when I can, and that feels good. I am very comfortable with people, yet I can recognize Narcissistic behavior when it appears.

Yes, I've been advised to sell and move far away. Doctor's, lawyers, therapists and other professionals tell me that as well as friends. I often wonder if I'm strong or stupid? Regardless, what I do is my own choice, and its my life to live. I literally have no one else.

That is why I hold the people here so dear to my heart, and I may not say much anymore, but I sometimes stop by and read the posts. That helps.

AncientSoul

Hope67

Hi AncientSoul,
I just wanted to pop by and say 'hello' - glad you're still around, and wishing you the best - you said "what I do is my own choice, and its my life to live" - I agree with you on that - and I hope that you are ok.
Hope  :)

AncientSoul

Hi Hope:

Thanks for saying hello, and my thoughts are positive for you and thinking that you're okay.

As for me, within the last year there have been many of my old friends die far too early. Ages forty, fifty and a few sixties. So I've been quiet. One sat down in her chair and didn't wake up. She and I were going to look into a class reunion, as she was to take over what I have been doing in facilitating those.

And I discovered Vitamin K-2. It has helped with my past broken arm and leg. It was part of a dementia study that an adjunct professor friend of mine was informing me about.  His wife has Alzheimer's, so I'm called time to time for my input.

As for being here, I rarely post anything anymore. But when I do, I suppose its to feel expression.  And I have truly forgotten what being wanted feels like. But I'm strong and getting stronger, and life is my own and in my own control.  Things will get far better!

I hope that you are happy! You've been a bright light in my days.

AncientSoul

Boatsetsailrose

Hi ancient soul
Well.done on getting out and taking that step. Being a new and large events can be daunting but as you shared an experinece to connect with others in similar situations .
For me I'm working on consistency at the moment (no easy feat) to go to groups etc regularly, even if i dont feel like it . or else what happens is i am always meeting people for the first time and no intimacy / more foundation of relationship is building up , which is what i want.
We all innately crave social connection and love ...disability or not  .. Friends are the heart of life ...

AncientSoul

Yes, friends are important. Better yet, friends that act like friends are important, at least to me. Interacting with others is human nature. We all operate better in life when we experience human contact. For me personally, I can't remember the last time I have been hugged. I live with that, and I learned a good lesson on this site years ago. Don't force things, be respectful of personal space.

One thing has been bothering me about that event I was at last week. I am very comfortable joining conversations, as I can tell better when I'm wanted and when I'm not. And at the event, there was one food dish that I was asked to try. That was by the cooks in the kitchen. So when I had the chance, I went and got some of the dish, then walked around looking for a place to sit. All chairs were taken with the exception of one table. It had eight chairs and one was occupied by an attractive woman who was also having some of the dish I was asked to try. People were standing around the table, and I walked up to see if a seat was available. The men laughed and said, "Sure, sit down, there's plenty of room and then they all laughed.

I pulled out a chair, then asked the woman sitting alone at the chair eating if it was permissible. She just stared at me and kept eating. So I sat down and the men standing near the table got quiet.

I made an attempt at small talk and got no response or even a glance. So I just sat there quietly and tried the dish and minded my own business. I would have gotten up, but there was no where to go. After about ten minutes, the women picked up a basket of bread and offered me some. I accepted. Then she slowly began to say things to me. She was normal, but in obvious pain.

She finished and got up and left, but smiled at me which seemed like a "thank you". That was that.

I'm wondering if I did the right thing to invade her space. But I did it, and that is how I am. Yet even now, I wonder if she needed a friend, or if I hurt her by my intrusion. But what's done is done.

Yes, friends come from anywhere at anytime.

AncientSoul