People can see I'm not quite right

[Rainagain]

Had an odd experience I thought I would like to share. Nobody need reply really, I just need to state it, get it out somehow.

Had a very dominant man strike up a conversation on a night out.

He was probably on drugs as well as the alcohol but he wanted to be assertive with people.

Anyway, he commented on the way I behaved with him, clear eye contact, no 'submission' or ingratiating behaviour, especially the way I maintained full eye contact.

He knew what he was about but got nothing he wanted from me.

I think i knew he was being intentionally pushy and I think I had registered that fact on some level but it didn't bother me at all, that is what he picked up on.

It was only when he mentioned my eye contact I realised fully he had been intentionally trying it on with me.

Now, I have often thought my fear response has disappeared somewhere, I have in the past been keen to undertake risky jobs at work where violence was likely.

My 'risk taking' is sometimes a part of ptsd , not sure if its in cptsd as well.

But people notice that I don't respond normally to threat, I appear very comfortable with it and while it usually deters people going too far with me it is not normal.

A bit later this chap was bullying someone else, they looked really uncomfortable. I told him to stop and he actually was shocked, he couldn't believe I would call him out on his behaviour without a qualm.

My behaviour is not normal. I am in no way an alpha male, I have no real idea why I am unfazed by someone acting like a dominant alpha.

Although I dislike bullying behaviour very much that isn't about dominance in my mind.

Because I react oddly I've now decided to try to restrict my social life still further.

People can tell there is something odd or off about me, I'm not intimidating or threatening but I look a bit intense I'd guess,  I'm clearly not quite right either.

Its a source of shame to me that I don't appear normal, even when I try my best.

My accumulated trauma is apparent to others, not good at all.

I sort of wish I could just disappear.

[Gromit]

Wow Rainagain, I wish there were more people out there who can seem fearless with individuals like that. I have wanted to step in when I saw someone bullied, it is my regret that I did not.

G

[Three Roses]

I also react oddly to threats, intimidation, etc. I learned at a tender age that if you plant your feet and maintain eye contact, you can send the message you're not playing the game, you won't be bullied.

But, now that I'm grown and not being accosted regularly, I find I still have odd reactions and am looking self-protectively for evidence of others' malicious intents. It can take people some time to get to know me.

I have been told I am "weird" all my life. And you know what? I am weird! What I've been through wasn't normal. Like a tree growing on a rocky outcrop in the wind, my growth has been influenced by a hostile environment.

I embrace my weirdness. It's possibly what has kept me alive.

[Rainagain]

That is exactly right TR.

I guess I didn't twig that guy was acting in a deliberately intimidatory manner at first, but my amygdala knew and so did he.

I've been looking at my psych report and reading some more to try to understand my reaction.

Could be something called emotional numbing.

Anyway, being weird isn't a life choice, it just is, best if i try to embrace it.

Gromit, not getting involved with bullies is far more sensible than my approach, my reactions are not right and not healthy, a dodgy learned response to bad things.

Anger switches off or down regulates the fear response, but I am not angry, I'm not anything in particular, just ready to react like its someone else.

I worry about losing control and causing harm, but it doesn't seem to happen like that either.

All a bit puzzling.

[LilyITV]

Rainagain, it is very interesting to me that you describe your response to that jerk as somehow weird or undesirable.  I've read and reread your post a few times and to me it seems that your willingness to stand up to bullies and not be cowered by aggressive people is an incredibly admirable trait.  It is not "normal", but in a very good way.  I tend to be very submissive and I can't tell you how much I wish I could be that person that could stand up to bullies. 

I can kind of see how you're concerned if you feel you are not recognizing how risky  some actions are, but in general, I don't think this is a trait you should completely try to squash.  The world needs people like you.  Maybe it is C-PTSD related, but I don't think it is necessarily bad.  Just like I think my overly submissive and fawning nature makes me better at seeing other people's point of view and negotiating win-win outcomes.  I might need to tamp down on it for my own good, but it's not something to be ashamed of. 

[Rainagain]

Hi

I can see it that not being pushed about and intervening to help others is sort of a good thing.

But I don't really care if it gets me badly injured or not, I have no strong feelings about outcome at all.

So far my obvious lack of concern has put people off pushing things with me, but the odds are high it will end badly for me or someone else at some stage.

I really dislike people using power to harm others as that is what was done to me, its part of my injury to call people out on it, its not healthy or normal.

But I'm not healthy or normal these days.

Maybe I haven't described it well, it really isn't a good thing, its certainly not bravery, you can't be brave if you really don't care enough to feel fear anymore.

I'm sorry to have brought it up really, it maybe isn't part of cptsd.

[Wattlebird]

I was about to say that I totally agreed with three roses but your reply made me pause, having no concern for your well being and feeling no fear is an inappropriate reaction to the situation, sounds (to me) a bit dissociative. But just my opinion might be way off.
I love that you step in, though I know it's a dangerous thing to do my ex stepped in once and got stabbed in the chest nearly killed him. He is far more careful about what he thinks needs intervening on, he still steps in on occasion but very rarely.
So I agree you have a fair point.

[Rainagain]

Thank you for your reply wattlebird, what happened to your husband is exactly what I can see for myself at some stage if I don't reconnect with normal feelings somehow.

I feel anxiety but not fear any more, I thought they were the same brain system but apparently not.

I'd guess anxiety is concern that if something bad happens I won't handle it. But when something potentially bad happens I just embrace it, that part of fear is numbed down or cut off.

It could be an adult onset cptsd thing or a straight PTSD thing, not sure why I'm like this.

Could be the reason I don't like going out, don't trust my brain to respond appropriately.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi rainagain,

I can see what you mean about the difference between anxiety and fear. I suffer from the former too to a horrible extent and in some ways it is the only thing I'm afraid of.

I've been in bad situations in the past through not connecting with that normal fear response. I also think it's a reaction to being forced to 'fight' (physically or emotionally).

I wish you good health in reconnecting with your emotions - it is the main battle I'm fighting for myself atm.

S&B