Elpha's adventure pt. 3

[Elphanigh]

Starting this new journal full of hope. The new year is normally somewhat significant but not normally like this one is. This year the change happens to be coinciding with huge things for me in many aspects of my life, I have wanted to start a new journal anyways so this feels like the right time. I am full of hope and excitement for what lies ahead, although I know it will certainly not always be easy or feel good by any stretch.

Last year I entered the new year full of heart ache, stress, and doubt. I had my heart broken just months prior, was barely scraping by financially, and my healing was kind of at a halt. It was a truly dark time for me, and goodness so much came out of it but I had no idea at the time what that would be. Sitting here now I am grateful for the challenges and can look back with so much more compassion than I had in that moment. This year feels like ten has passed but simultaneously like it has only been a few months.

In this new journal I am hopeful to maintain my words for this new chapter: Trust and Dedication. I am determined to trust in the process, and dedicate the time and energy it will continue to take. Even more so I am determined to trust myself fully, and truly dedicate my time, energy, and heart to my passions and to the communities I truly believe I can help. It feels like a new chapter, so much work has been put into this and I do feel just the culmination of it all. I have been noticing it for weeks but it is fully coming to fruition as things fall into place. I feel different in the world and it is a beautiful change.

Anyways that is why I am starting a new journal. May it be full of hope and excitement, but also be true to what I am feeling and needing.

[sanmagic7]

amen to that, sweetie.  i remember you then, and i see you now.  what a difference a year makes.  your grit, determination, courage, perseverance, and willingness to look forward for yourself are immeasurable.  happy new year my dearest el.  may your hopes be fulfilled, and your trust, especially in yourself, continue to grow.  love you so.   

[Deep Blue]

Happy New Year sweet Elpha,
Love and hugs to you flashlight 

You go girl!

[Elphanigh]

San, I am so glad that the progress is noticeable! I always appreciate the validation and encouragement


Db and San, happy new year to you both!  Love you always

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
Wishing you a Very Happy New Year and sending you a hug.   
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Still here just been overwhelmed by life a bit. Work is still really intense (if not more so than it was during the holidays). My grad school applications (the last five of them) are all due within the next month, my roommate is sick so house duties have all fallen on me, then of course there is just my normal busy schedule. So I haven't had the time or energy to truly write here. I kind of read but can't even find time to respond in a meaningful way this week. Hopefully this will start to calm down soon. I have a therapy session tonight and am hopeful that it will help clear out some junk that might free up some of my energy.

I am just really exhausted and pressing on the best I can. There is so much to look forward to but so much work to be doing it. 

[sanmagic7]

hope therapy went well.  sounds like you have quite the full plate right now.  good luck with the last of your grad school applications.  love you.   

[Elphanigh]

My session last night was really enlightening. We worked on early trauma between one year and 18 months, and then 19-21 months. The first part of that contains me breaking my head open. I have heard that story all my life, and been pretty seemingly unaffected by it. There is a small scar on my forehead to this day, but it is only noticeable if you know it is there, or if I am super sunburnt it glows white. I grew up hearing the story of how it happened, and how I reacted to it. Never putting any stock into it.

Come to find out while processing it was rather traumatic. There was a lot of stuck physical energy there. Could feel my head hurt and my body feeling trapped etc. But also the reminder my parents, particularly my mom, reacted really well and did exactly what they needed to in the moment. They got me somewhere for help, didn't panic, and stuck up for me. Mom made sure they didn't force me to be tied down, held my hand under the blanket the whole time, and had someone hold a mirror for me so I could see because that is what made me comfortable at the time. This was a good realization, it was also more sensations and feelings than I had ever had about this. I had heard the story but never remembered or felt anything about it. It just was.

So we did some somatic stuff to help that feeling of being trapped. My T is always able to find something that works, and blends different modalities seamlessly (this is career goals for me, gives me so many ideas on that level as well.. back to the healing part lol) She had me stand up and put my hands like I was going to reach forward, but then put her hands on mine to add resistance as I pushed my hands forward very slowly. It is interesting how much the brings attention to what energy feels stuck and then helps to release it. I am not super comfortable with processing the body sensations but I am able to pay attention to them much more. It seems to be healing. I am still rather exhausted today but I feel a different freedom in my body even today.

Outside of that we spent the last bit talking about my grad school applications. I have been stuck on Boston university for over two weeks.. have written about outlines and hated all of them. I am a strong writer with a million ideas but am finding none of them make me happy for this one. My T listened and reminded me that my gut was telling me something, because this was not an issue with my other schools as well. If it was all of them it would be different but it is just Boston. I recognize it is at the bottom of my list of schools that I would say yes to. That there is a part of me that knows Boston isn't a priority and it isn't "the school". That being said I do also realize I am also afraid I am not good enough and don't belong. It is the biggest name school I am applying to (just by chance, I looked at others but went for program content not name). There is pressure with such a big name and selective school.

What I need to decide is what my gut is truly telling me. Is my hesitancy due more to the "not good enough" thought process, or because I know that if any other school said yes to me I would say no to Boston. Which seems backwards, the name comes with an ease. I graduate from a prestigious school I could have any job I wanted and go on to a phd when I do finally decide to do that easily. But is that perk enough to make it worth it?

I sat down and looked at the program last night, tried to look at it as if I had never looked at it before. It is a diverse program with a trauma and violence specialization option for clinical students. The school itself is a huge agent of change in the realm of social justice and inclusion in the area it is. It is one of the top five MSW programs in the nation with professors that are renowned and have very active careers. Some of which I have read their writings before while doing research in my undergrad. All of that sounds like perfection, but there is just a odd sense to it. I did manage to write a good chunk of a statement for the school last night, and it feels much better but I still have to decide.

*sigh*

Lots of decisions to be made and no real time to make this one. I will choose but I am trying to figure out how much is imposter syndrome and my inner critic. I scared myself away from big names when I was going to my undergrad knowing I wouldn't get in because my inner critic and just concept of self where so poor. They no longer are, but I still struggle with it. So maybe I need to apply to remember I can do it and deserve a shot at it even if it is not where I end up going. 

On a different exciting note, the trauma informed book club I run each week is doing so well! We got an email from an author last week that wants us to cover their book and be involved in some of the session to answer questions and help offer insights. I am super excited at the prospect and honored to have that opportunity. I knew I was creating a good space, but did not expect anything like working with authors to be part of it because I didn't see it as something that big or important to others. Glad to know it is having more of an impact than I expected...

[Elphanigh]

Thank you San! I saw that as I was about to post my update, one of those "there was a reply while you were replying" things. My plate is very full, and today I can feel the beginnings of being sick (I am surrounded by a good chunk of people that are actively or have been sick.) I need to nip that in the tail because I cannot spend the next few weeks sick...

Anyways thank you for the luck on my applications! I feel like I need it a lot at this point. 

[Elphanigh]

Coming back to write some more on a different subject. Sunday night I started to have forgiveness towards my M, just little bits, but it is developing. I am starting to more see where she was coming from and some things she did well. I don't feel like what she did was okay, I know in many cases it was damaging and that she missed a lot that I needed her to see. Nothing makes up for that, but I also don't feel so dang angry with her anymore. Like I know I wish it was different but it can't be changed and I am healing from it. My M is becoming a stronger, better person somehow.  I see it in her day to day and in the way she treats me even. Does that mean I think she is safe? No.. but maybe I can forgive.

She grew up in a household that was more toxic than my own, not with the large amounts of outside trauma that I did.. but my house was an improvement from the house she had as a kid. I know how damaging that can be, and looking with my adult eyes and from a place where I have more knowledge I can see some effort to change what she came from, to not be toxic to us like her parents were. It was not perfect, and it certainly caused me a lot of hurt but I can see that she tried. I can see that she is still trying to become the M I needed when I was younger. I can see the growth as a person in the way she treats my niece, in the way she reacts to my sister and brother now. Even talking with them they see the difference too. So she is trying even still to be better. For that i think I can forgive. Not perfectly at the moment, and not to her face but silently to myself I can start to forgive.

I can see that she cared, just not always in the ways I needed her to. She did care and did go to bat for me many times in my life. It doesn't make the times she didn't go away but it gives me more knowledge. Living with a roommate that has chronic migraines and being able to talk with her about how she struggles and hearing her stress has given me insight into how my M must have felt with hers that are even worse and cause more health issues.

I am finding a knowledgeable compassion and type of forgiveness for her. One that comes from a place of healing and adult understanding. She will never get to be the M I needed then and I may never rely on her for much, but letting her into a little bit of my life is okay I think. Slowly for sure and at my discretion but progress.

Lots to think on, and it is certainly a vastly different feelign from the one of anger and resentment.. even grief over her.. forgiveness feels like this peaceful place as long as I don't jump or run away from it. It no longer feels unsafe to forgive, it used to feel unsafe and wrong to forgive but sitting where I am now it is a peaceful thought and one I will slowly come to more understanding of. This will likely fluctuate and be a process in itself but I feel the shift and have for a little while.

[Elphanigh]

My immune system finally gave out a bit. I have been surrounded by sick people at work, and my roommate has been sick for over a week.. my body finally decided it was sick on Tuesday. Over the last few days has gotten worse, hopefully not to develop into bronchitis like it did last time. I find that I truly do not have time to be sick right now. Being kind a gracious to myself this week has been so beyond difficult. I am having to give my self time to sleep and more understanding when I am still just tired or unable to be "productive" in the sense of getting work and my to do list done...

I do find that I am still contemplating what forgiveness for my mom would mean. It doesn't make what she did okay, but I think the forgiveness is more for myself than it is for her. It is not like I am going to walk up to her and tell her "I forgive you" that is not what is happening. I used to think forgiveness meant they were no longer responsible and that I had to just be okay with them and their actions. This forgiveness is not that, it is more of a feeling, letting them go for myself. One where I no longer feel like they owe me, or feel like I want any sort of reimbursement or vengeance. I do feel like I am angry anymore with her, Like I have hashed that out but I am not sure what forgiveness truly looks like or means. I will talk to my T about it but it is just spinning in my mind off and on so I needed to write.

For grad schools I am in a bit of "not enough" feelings at the moment. I am not exactly sure what has spiked that again but I am working on it. I think knowing that I should hear back from my top choice school in the next 9 days is scary and probably bringing back the worries of me not being good enough. My fear that all of the schools will tell me no. I am not prepared for that level of rejection I dont think. I don't believe I will see that many rejections but it makes me nervous. Some part of me is terrified.

There's more but I think that is enough for now.

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
Sorry to hear you're not feeling well physically - you've had a lot on your plate - well done for getting through a week that you described as 'beyond difficult' - that's an enormous undertaking.  I hope you can get some rest and I'd like to wish you the best of luck with your applications - and I very much hope you'll have some positive replies - you certainly deserve them - that's what I think. 

Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Hope 

Health wise I am feeling much better. I mostly have my voice back and feel like I am really on the mend in that department.

Many things have happened in the last week and I have not written in here yet, because I am not really sure where even to begin. My M is coming into town, i did write a post on that. There are a load of feelings attached and I am working through them as best I can.

I found my ability to cry on Sunday and feel like I am just carrying that ache around some. I don't feel my anger, instead I feel my sadness and despair towards things I was once angry about. Progress in the grief process but goodness it feels worse. Anger is powerful and moving... sadness feels vulnerable and stagnant. I need to feel it too but it is vastly more uncomfortable and hard to sit with now that I have learned to process my anger. I am doing my best to give it the time it needs though.

Grad school stuff is full swing. My sleep levels have been awful because I am either awake working on it, or I can't sleep well because of the heightened anxiety around it right now. I have not heard back from a school that says I will know by the 20th and that truly makes me nervous... 3 days until that date and not hearing anything could mean so many things. I am trying to just occupy myself with other things..

The two year old part of me is sharing a lot lately. I am getting so much more knowledge and body feelings regarding that part of my life which is confusing in itself. I am not used to feeling things so fully in my body and trying to name them. It is a difficult and kind of scary process for me. I can't logic my way through body sensations like I can feelings... so it is new and I am glad my T is kind and knowledgeable about it.

I have found the last few days that energy drinks help me get through my stressful job so much better than normal coffee or just toughing it out. Probably not a good thing to have realized because it allows me to do more than I normally would manage. I am trying to watch myself so as to not go overboard but it feels nice to be productive...

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha - just sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok    Glad that you're feeling productive, that sounds like a good feeling.  Glad also that you are feeling much better and that your voice has come back, mostly.  Sounds like you're on the mend.  Wishing you continued recovery.
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Today is hard... I started out well rested and happy. Then work happened.. I hate how one thing can trigger me still and send me spinning. I spoke with a man on the phone this morning that proceeded to yell at me, and then insult my intelligence. That did me in, insulting my intelligence feels like insulting my worth as a human being to me. I think that is partially my Ravenclaw side coming out, and also just the importance that my intelligence has had all my life. It was something that was always mine, no one could take it from me.. It was the thing that got me out of my abusive situation and what has made me able to succeed and learn as much as I have. It was also one of the few things I regularly got positive attention for as a kid..

this man, who does not know me, phrased his insults in a way that was so familiar to me. An insult to my intelligence that an abuser of mine used to use when they wanted to hurt me. It was so similar it instantly triggered me and has made me feel unsafe in my work place all day. I stepped away for a few minutes, then he called back and I had to actually help him (I hung up at one point because I couldn't handle it)... Having to help him even when he was cruel to me feels unfair to every fiber of my being and so much like being a kid. I was forced to help and fawn over people that insulted and hurt me so that I could survive... So I went instantly to that scared fawn reaction.. and then to tears because grief and fear mixed together because I stayed mostly in my adult self.. Either way, every time a phone rings here (even if it isn't mine) I jump and get shaky all over again. Like I am terrified to answer or call anyone.. and it has meant I have not felt safe or okay at work all day...

This happened at like 10 a.m. which was like 7 hours ago.. I have wanted to hide and just start over tomorrow. I need and deserve to feel safe.. I hate so much that this sent me spinning. I am resilient and strong. People get angry and that happens. Normally it sucks and then I can move on slightly more stressed for a while but this man was cruel and hit the exact right notes without even knowing me.

I am almost done at work and hopeful I can process this in therapy tonight. I don't want to get up tomorrow and be too triggered to come into work tomorrow. That never leads to good things... Going to try to hide for a few more minutes at work and then go home  We are normally understaffed, and today we are short one more person so I have had that added overwhelm all day.. barely being able to do my own job because I am having to cover everyone elses...