Elpha's adventure pt. 3

[Hope67]

I read some of what you wrote here Elpha, I just skim read it  as I don't feel able to read properly through it right now, but wanted to send you and your little Epha's a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

The hug is  perfect, thank you 

[Elphanigh]

Feeling better as time goes. All this emotional shifting is exhausting for sure. I think I am finally starting to get my energy back now that it is the day of my session *sigh*... I know this is all worth the work and exhaustion but sometimes I can't wait to be on break from the major work of it. I do truly think I deserve it and can settle into it. I think it will likely feel really weird not doing intense work on it but I am happy to be getting the chance to try it out soon.

On that note I have been doing to coordinating for school and my move. Things are getting real. I will be up there again on the 26-27th of April to look at apartments and interview for a job while I am at it. Will be a busy couple of days.

What makes me nervous is I am going on my own. Originally my roommate was taking the weekend to come visit apartments with me but she could not get the time off works. I don't mind the drive or anything, I think there is just a small piece of me that is worried about staying there by myself after what happened in February. It will have been exactly two months since the night I was assaulted there. I certainly won't stay in the same hotel or anything, but I will be by myself in the city again. I am not overwhelmed with fear or anything, just feeling slightly nervous and realizing what triggers could happen. It will be okay, and probably a good test for what I can handle. It will tell me if there is more I need to focus on before moving there, although leaving me little time to do so.

School stuff is coming together which is a huge plus. I got enough funding I can do what I need, I am making decisions in that realm best I can. It is still pretty foreign to me and I honestly probably need to ask for some solid advice before I do decide. I just want to crunch the numbers for myself first. I also can't officially accept anything until the end of the semester in May anyways. I likely won't finish making these decision until June but I want to have a basic idea before I move.

I am diving into a new life and new adventure in so many ways, feels good to be a bit more prepared than I was for my undergrad.

Things are getting real but I am still excited. There is a lot to do logistically but I am managing and just taking it as it comes. It will all work out and for once I have faith in that. So much has brought me here. I have done and am doing all the hard work to make this happen. It will be as I need it to be.



For the emotional stuff. I have been able to access my grief more fully. I don't think I am angry anymore. I have small moments but it normally just divulges into tears and pain instead of anger. I feel the deep ache of having been through so much in my life, of being surrounded by people that were cruel, or unable to protect me. I see the things I missed because of it, but I do also see the strength and insight it has given me. I see how much pain I went through and need to honor it, I just also do not need to stay in the pain 24/7. I can hold both the good and the bad of all of this. I can feel the lightness that comes with letting go of responsibility and blame... while also hold the pain that was caused by years of cruelty. I can feel the pieces of me that survived that, and came through despite every reason to fall apart and never get up.

The why me question has been off and on in my head since I was younger. I used to answer it by saying I was bad, and had done wrong. Now i know that to not be true. Maybe there isn't a reason, but if I wanted to answer "why me" I would say because I was strong enough to survive it. Because now I can use it to help others. I can use my lived experience and the strength it gave my heart to make the world a little bit better.

I am not sure if there is actually a reason because I am not truly sure what I believe about higher powers or the like, but if there was a reason that is what I would want it to be. I was strong enough to live through that when others probably would have crumbled, so there has to be a purpose to that. I could bear it so I did in order to help others now. It does not make it okay, but it gives me something to do with my experiences.

That feels repetitive but I think it just needs said in different ways so my emotions can do what I need.

Everything is shifting. If I had to name it I would call it integration (which is termed more fully in a book I am reading and teaching). Where all the emotional realizations are shifting into place so I can more fully see and mourn the whole of my experience. It brings so many insights and great realizations but my goodness it is tiring to have everything constantly trying to take shape. 

[Elphanigh]

Feeling just really unsettled today and scattered mentally. I know it is because my session left me feeling off center last night and felt unfinished. Also then just the amount of stuff I am trying to do all at once right now. It gets overwhelming when I am not completely centered...For the most part I can stay in that centered state enough to not feel overwhelmed. I am getting back to that center base line for me slowly, work just made it rather impossible. Hoping to self care tonight with a walk and then a bath. After that I will make a to do list and just break things down into small pieces. Work has been a constant stream of new information and to dos that kept me from doing my original list of things I intended to do today. Every time I have to do someone else's job it puts me more behind in my own and having another full day of that is irritating. Feeling kind of like a drama queen  but goodness I deserve to have needs and feelings.


There is a younger part of me that needs to be heard still from last nights session. I so rarely need to tell a story but I need to tell it, well that part of me does. She showed it to me yesterday while I was processing, I could sit with it replaying in my head and stay calm, understanding it needs to be witnessed in order for my younger self to let go of it. She stood up for her siblings, protected them, and got into a situation that could have killed her because of it.

Last night I said the words "I am tired of jumping in front of metaphorical cars for people"... and I am. I did it all of my life, jumping in front of danger to shield others always ending in multiplied pain and danger for me. In this instance I was terribly physically abused, not sexually (although that was frequent in my life)

*trigger warning*
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.
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In this instance it could have killed me had the man been angry enough. I was 13 years old at the time, and was protecting my siblings from playing the game bloody knuckles with my uncle. I told him no that it was too dangerous for them to play (they were both younger than me and I had seen my Uncle play this game before). He let them both leave so he could talk to me. It resulted in a slap across the face, a beating and when I tried to crawl across the bed away from him, he pushed me against the head board and held his hand around my neck. Had he gotten angry enough I could have been gone in that moment. He wasn't but it terrified me more than I was willing to admit.


This also brings up a memory from when I was in college. I was at work (a restaurant at the time) and one of my coworkers who I had a decent relationship came up behind me, without warning and wrapped his hands around my neck. I instantly froze and was drug back to the place of fear I was in my memory. Now I did not know that until later but I went into a spiral because I felt that life threatening danger again.

Then again with Iowa more recently... There was a moment when he was laying on me and I felt like I couldn't get a full breath... like if he didn't move I would just not be able to breath because he was on my ribcage restricting that air.

There are others that come to mind in that same vein of thought.


*end trigger warning*


Had to get some of that out. I realize as I was processing that first memory last night I don't think the younger part of me ever left that process last night. It does not feel like she left that therapy office or ever stopped replaying that memory. Thus the overwhelm today. I have subconsciously been in that space and that danger again. I never left it last night. It's why I couldn't sleep, why I have had absolutely no focus or ability to multitask today. I was emotionally and subconsciously in that space.. and still am.. guess there is no was about it. That is where I am and it took me writing about it to realize. Normally it does not take so long, but I think it was easy to contribute it to everything else in my life right now. I have been handling that stuff like a pro though, busy and nerves but not the anxious panic like today.

Honestly just feel better knowing that is what it is. I have been frustrated with myself for being so off my game today when there is actually a solid reason.

[Three Roses]

 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Three Roses 

Honestly now that I am home and realize what happened I have started to come down from it. I feel the exhaustion from the EF but it is no longer comepltely taking me over. I just needed to name it so I could start to move out of it. I remember when these would knock me out for days but it has only just made me really tired this evening. There is progress even in this I guess.

I went through so much when I was younger and I can hold it much better but I am not meant to have it passively sitting in my head all day. *sigh*

[Not Alone]

I didn't read the memories that you wrote because I thought it would be too triggering for me right now. I do want to send you a supportive hug though  .

[Elphanigh]

 

Thank you notalone the hugs were perfect

[Elphanigh]

I am feeling a bit better today, less shame and guilt for the trigger than I was having. I felt really poorly Tuesday and Wednesday for struggling, like I should just be okay and should just be stronger. I have been facing this horrible memories full of violence and anger for a few months now, and until this point it has not taken it out of me. That is so huge and honestly a good sign of progress when I allow myself to reframe it that way. I can handle being asked to bring up pictures from multiple of my worst memories, and things that would have been overwhelming even just a year or 6 months ago.

Knowing I am moving forward and that life is truly changing in about a month is really I think putting some pressure on my ability to hold all of this better. I am about to start going to school to be a therapist and have my first Trauma Conference to attend at the end of next month. I am so thrilled to have been invited and glad to kick start off my journey into that world. It is a huge step into the life I want to lead, I want to be well enough to go forward and transition smoothly.

Something my T said struck me and I think I took it differently than she intended. I know logically she means well but there is a part of me that worries I am not deciding correctly. She told me that she did truly believe the best therapists are ones that are also doing their own work. I completely agree with that, and she did add on the fact that it didn't mean I would need to be doing therapy every week for the rest of my life, but that she did notice when she went too long without her own therapy she was not as good of a therapist because her own stuff would seep in a little bit unintentionally. Also something I know to be true from reading about it, and talking with other mental health professionals.

I am choosing to take a break from trauma therapy when I move. Not a forever break, but one that does not have a date one it. I have told myself I would revisit the idea at the end of my first semester and see how I felt about it. Giving myself time to settle into the new life and to just function normally for a while. Hearing her words after the kind of session I had on Monday just worried me that maybe I am taking time off too soon? I already worry that I am not ready enough or healed enough still... As things get closer i find those fears creeping in. I am still so young and know there is more work I could do, but I want to move forward into school and a career.. So I am jumping in, thinking I am well enough and have the skills I need but also worried about it. 

Everything is moving forward though and I need to keep going with that. I am looking at apartments on the 26th and 27th, I have job interview on the afternoon of the 27th and have another two GA position interviews lining up (although I do not have dates for that yet it will be next week).. I have my scholarship offer (half tuition) and the financial paperwork is all getting squared away.

We have exact moving dates, plans for how we are moving it, and they are starting to interview people to take over my job at work. It is all very real.

It is exciting that it is that real, but also very scary as I am leaping into the unknown soon. Life is changing in major ways and I am choosing to go with it.


I feel like the emotional shifts I am having add to the very real shifts in the other aspects of my life. I am in giant shift mode and it is exhausting and a lot but I find that one of my friends wisdom from forever ago sticks out. She always told me to let go and enjoy the ride a bit. That fighting the change would be so much harder than going with it. I think she was right. It is helping to go with it but it is scary being in the middle of it.

[Three Roses]

All the doubts and stress sound pretty normal to me - but I trust that you'll be listening to yourself in the midst of all the activity and will know if you need to check back in with a therapist. Even if it's only a visit or two. I think you're doing quite well. But that's just my opinion. 😉

[Elphanigh]

Thanks, Three Roses    I think the nerves are normal too, lots of life changes and that can be intimidating

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
Wishing you the best with all of these things.   
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Hope 


Life is just constantly moving and shaking right now. I am okay with that as long as I remember to not resist so much. This change and movement feels fast and scary, but it is also so exciting and exactly what I want. So I am trying to embrace it all and enjoy the process. Enjoying is the tricker part,... it is easy to get lost in the stress of coordinating all of this, and mapping logistics etc.

I am worried about going back into the space I was hurt two months ago, but less worried than I was. I am grateful for a friend that reminded me I can create pockets of safety in my life, no matter where I am I have that power. No matter what happens I have that power and am strong enough to use it. I was reminded that even if I got triggered it would not be the end of the world. I would work through it as I have anytime I got triggered and that would be okay. It has only been two months and that is the only time I have have been to the town. This time I can make more fun memories and help resource the good for the part of me that is skeptical. I will make a point to try to explore even in the busy schedule of my visit.

I did some processing on a major memory this week as well. It ha felt rather freeing to work through it and have it witnessed. We do a lot of EMDR, somatic etc that is less talking/sharing as the modalities don't need that. They tend to work more effectively than classic CBT type processing. However sometimes a story needs told to let go. So after processing it down to a really low level, I got to tell the story and have my therapist witness it back. Which by telling the story gave her an idea for some somatic work helping me to more fully physically release the memory. Which was very physically stuck come to find out, the somatic bits are always the hardest for me, I can control my mind and work that way a bit easier than I can process what my body feels. So it was really important work and I feel like very freeing work.

I can look at the memory now and recognize that it happened but not feel like I am brought back to those feelings. I can still breathe and be present in the moment. I could not have done that a year ago, or even really 6 months ago. Here's to progress I guess. 

Anyways just needed to type a few things out. Life feels like it is moving in all arenas and I am just kind of in the middle going with it. I am excited to get moved in to a new place and just have some time to rest. I don't get much but I get like 5 days to just unpack, rest, and settle into life before jumping into a conference, orientation, and a new job (I hope).

[Deep Blue]

Hey flashlight,
I've missed you. I hope you are well.  I wanted to just say that and send you a  if it's ok.

[Elphanigh]

DB this made my day  I miss you as well. Life has been a crazy rollercoaster recently so I haven't had the emotional energy to post much. Healing has been happening in giant ways, I am prepping to move in 2 1/2 weeks, and am working like crazy. Then just family stuff and the like.


Love the  always. Thank you for stopping by and saying hi