Elpha's adventure pt. 3

[Elphanigh]

EMDR helped a lot last night. I still feel the processing happening in the background as it does always after a true emdr session. For me it tends to continue processing for a few days which can be tiring but worth it.

I recognize that the younger parts of me went into a flight response because of all the experience in my life with people insulting my intelligence or worth.. and all of my experience with anger like that. I went back to memories of my M, and of a teacher I had when I was younger. For that classroom I was made to feel unsafe, and because of that I used to not ask to go to the bathroom and ended up wetting myself a couple of time. My M would then be extremely angry and insult me with a phrase that was nearly identical to the one I heard yesterday over the phone. I of course got triggered because I had not processed that memory or the fear surrounding it. My flight response was natural and it was trying to protect me from harm because harm did happen. I got hit for that incident several times.. Adult me knew the man over the phone had no right to yell at me, insult me or treat me like that in any form. I knew he was not there to hurt me and did not truly know me as a person so that it was not personal even if he was making it that way. That being said knowing logically is one thing, it doesn't invalidate the trigger and flight response from past experiences.

Through the processing I was able to find a new reaffirming phrase "It is not me, it never was me". That phrase is so powerful not only in the current day issue with this angry man, but also with everything in my past. I spent my life with people that took their anger out on me verbally, physically, sexually etc... Years of that left me believing it was me because surely the fact everyone in my life hurt me meant it was me and not all of them. It was a belief that helped me survive with less than okay parents and awful people scattered in my life. I have really done a lot to reverse that belief in the last few years and to gain a sense of self that reminds me of my own worth and value from within. So this new phrase in connection with all of my memories is giant. Like one more layer I can start to put in place. It truly was never me, that anger and weight was never mine to bear. It was never deserved and I will never deserve it.

There is power in that realization, one that even my younger parts can feel. Reminding them that it wasn't them they just were in the wrong place and the wrong time and that was not their fault.. They deserved kindness and love because I was lovable even if I had made a mistake that is an okay thing. That phrase has been repeating in my head, and reminding me I am and always was enough.

That brought me eventually to the fact my emotions are also connecting to schools right now. I have been pouring my heart and soul into these applications and they get to judge me on what I look like on paper. Like that glimpse of my heart and my academics determines my fate this year. There is a lot of pressure to be "good enough" I have been handling that for months and will be for a while longer. I realized last night, during emdr, that their yes or no is also not a reflection of me as a person as much as everything in the past was not me either. There are so many factors, and any rejections I get are not because of me as a person. It is a powerful realization as well and something I am trying to keep in mind as I wait for acceptance or rejection letters.

So lots of connecting the dots happening today. Work is not as bad today because of processing I was able to go and not be afraid. Hoping that will continue, and my work place will start to feel completely safe again.

[Elphanigh]

So much has happened since I wrote that post. I have really settled into some of the emotional realization. Starting to truly understand that "it is not me, it never was me" I think it will take a while to sink in but it feels like a big change has started to happen. I honestly am beginning to look at my own traumas differently because of it.. and goodness I look at younger me with more kindness. Like I haven't truly blamed myself in a year or so, but I don't think I had fully forgiven either. I think this might be a start of some deeper forgiveness and understanding for myself.

My M will be in town on the 1st and leaving on the 6th... That will be a big adventure. I am extending as much of an olive branch as I can. She may not see it, but it is an olive branch nonetheless. I have never spent that much alone time with my M ever... There has always been someone else, or something else. I am curious to see how we do on our own. I don't intend to like bare my soul or anything, but maybe let her see my life a little. Not my traumas or anything, I am not ready for that.. but open with my day to day and let her be excited with me about grad school. That is big enough for me. Letting her into my adult life and letting her share any of that joy is a big thing. I am allowed to feel like that is big. My M missed a lot of important things in my life partially because I hid them, but also because she was blinded by her own issues and world. She doesn't get to just jump in, she gets doses until she proves she is going to take those chances seriously.

I have gotten accepted into the grad school of my choice as well. I get to go into a master's program for social work that is entirely built with a trauma practice focus. My personal statements were open with the fact I was a survivor and knew what it meant to go through trauma and have cptsd.. and they still let me in. It feels so miraculous to have someone, especially in an academic setting, accept me with that knowledge. My weird academic background included. I am passionate and I think it showed, somehow. I am nervous but so excited for what is to come. A year from now I will be in my second semester and have actual clients to work with. It is such an exciting thought, but there is some imposter syndrome going on in here, because the small little voice of "who am I to think I am well enough to have clients" is hard to get rid of. That is probably a very natural reaction to this, and I will move forward little voice or not. I have started to look at the university town, and everything surrounding it to know where it is I will be moving.

I am still in awe, and so excited to be working on my graduate studies. It has taken me two years out of my undergrad to find and pursue my passions but I am so glad I waited to find this path. I have a lot of healing work to do until then, and will need to find a new T etc.. but one step at a time. I am going to enjoy this for a bit. I did it and am on my way to a future so full of hope.

On that note I got to treat myself to concert tickets to Kelly Clarkson for the 7th. I have listened and admired her since I was like 10 years old when she was on Idol. It is a dream of mine that I can check off the list to see her in concert. Will oddly be going by myself but I think it will be a great experience and a beautiful kind of date night with myself. I deserve that sometimes. I can't just not do things because no one else is there to do them with me, so full acceptance of my wonderful independence. Which will be so needed after my M leaves the day before.

Things are going really well right now, and I could not be more excited. The emotional healing still is happening but it has a lot of positives to help feed it. One step at a time in the right direction I think.   

[Three Roses]

You're amazing. What a difference from before! The new you shows through in your writing. You give me hope. 

[Deep Blue]

I saw Kelly Clarkson in concert and loved loved loved her! She is a great performer and I enjoyed every second of it.

So proud of your hard work and dedication Elpha.  You are amazing and congrats to you on grad school.

Love you flashlight 

[Elphanigh]

Three Roses, I am so glad you see the difference! It does really kind of feel like a new me. Grateful I can hope to you 

Db I am so excited to see her! She is such a lovely person and authentic from what I can tell. It is really good to hear she was a great oerformer when you saw her

Love you lots

[Elphanigh]

Again, I feel like a lot has happened since I wrote. My goodness I have a lot going on right now.

*Trigger warning* Mention of suicidal thoughts
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The night I wrote that I ended up having an emotional flashback (plus side here my T, as soon as I described what happened, went "so an emotional flashback" like she knew what they were without explanation) anyways.. emotional flashback to the set of emotions that led me to write my suicide letter to my M. That just sense of complete overwhelm, despair, and sense of being done. I did eventually get to an image for it.. the moment of me sitting down and handwriting the letter in my rather dark room.

I had never flashed back to that moment, nor did I really know it was possible. It was really disconcerting to feel those things out of the blue. I ws confused as to why the sudden overwhelm and suicidal thoughts because they did not feel true to me in the moment but it took me a few minutes to feel the more physical symptoms and realize that it was a flashback. Thankfully, as my T pointed out, I am no longer completely knocked down by the flashbacks anymore. I don't have them as often but when I do I am learning to really handle them more effectively.

Last night I had my EMDR session and decided to start to work through that memory. There is so much despair and honestly some shame (again my T reading things I wasn't saying, thank goodness) in that memory. I have spoken so little about that part of my life, even with her. I spend a lot of time hashing out my issues with my family, and younger sexual abuse etc... like there is so much fuel there and I am so honest about all of that. However, being truly suicidal and feeling like I did not deserve to live is something I have a harder time being honest about. I grew some more understanding to all of the things that led me to that point last night, and some kindness for the part of me that still holds that. Having my T help me through EMDR and bear witness to some of the feelings and processes my brain needs to go through to heal this was so helpful. I am glad I was honest.. I started my session in just a week recap and said the flashback had happened but not what it was to because I was shy about it still. Opening up is much more healing and I know that, it just took time.

So I need to do more EMDR on it, probably another session or two but it is a good start towards healing that wound. I am realizing it is huge I can hold and process those emotions because they once almost drowned me. To be able to feel and process them without being overwhelmed is truly miraculous and a reminder of how much progress I am making.

*end trigger warning*


In the meantime, I am working on more applications for grad school stuff. Come to find out getting in comes with more paperwork and applications.. I knew that but goodness need to get funding for grad studies now that I have gotten in. It is a lot to do this week

My M is coming in on Friday, another thing I talked with during my session. My T asked if I needed a "Shock plan" for if my M said or did something that was really awful. With that comes the realization that I didn't make one before last night. Normally when seeing my FOO I have a plan and escapes very well thought out like weeks in advance.. because I feel like I need to. However this time, I am more level and grounded. I haven't felt the need to create a plan because I am not sure I will need it. I believe I can manage my M being here and if she says something I feel like I can handle whatever it is. So I hadn't planned or over thought it so much. That is a really strong shift in my ability to cope and just my general mental state which I love.

Lots of progress all around. Now off to keep juggling all the balls I am juggling. Felt validating for my T to recognize all that I am juggling and how well I am doing so. Nice to hear sometimes as I keep on going.

[Elphanigh]

I feel like I have a great deal going on in all parts of life right now. Every time I write here I feel like a ton has happened. This time probably because it has been 10 days and my life has never been known to be peaceful for 10 days.

My M has come and gone. I wrote some of my feelings down in my thread under the FOO category. Goodness knows I have more that I am finding I feel about her visit and the things surrounding it. I have never so deeply wanted an apology for my childhood from her... It may pass and I may find I don't need one but for the first time in my life I want one, and I want to know so deeply that I deserve that from her. It is a difficult desire to have..

The trip went well, not sure I have written that here. She was non-judgemental, kind, and even respected my boundaries. It was like (as I phrased it to my T on M) having an "alien mom" because it was so vastly different. My T truly believes there is some therapy or something going on with my M because of certain ways she said or did things while she was here. I can say I agree there is some healing going on there, although I have no idea what type. For that I am grateful, everyone needs and deserves to heal from any trauma they have. I am glad she is doing whatever she is and is more present in her life. However, I am hesitant still to let her have the adult relationship she is trying for with me. She missed so much of the first 24 years of my life.. she missed the big peices I needed her to see.. and failed to protect me even when she knew things happened. So I am hesitant.. and some part of me asks "why in * should I let her in now? She doesn't deserve any part of the person I have become"

But there is a part of me that is forgiving, and recognizes my M's trauma and its affects. I recognize that she was probably struggling with dissociation and anger issues because of the unrecognized trauma in her background.. My D is the same way. He was never present because he was numbing.. especially after his parents died when I was a teenager.. He has and will probably never deal with those. My M looks to be dealing with hers and trying to do better than her parents.. she calls them on their behavior when it is abusive or ever edging on it.. so maybe just maybe she deserves forgiveness and a piece of who I am now. There is a giant split in my thoughts and somewhere in the grey area is my true answer.

I saw Kelly Clarkson last night and am in awe. It was an amazing show and I still can't quite believe I got to see one of my idols perform. She is a fantastic musician and a wonderful human being from what I can tell.

I have an interview scheduled for two weeks from today! I may get an Graduate Assistanship for a college's Suicide prevention program. It would be such great experience and a really worthwhile way to get funding for my master's degree. I have gotten my second acceptance letter to a program at a different school. I would say 2 for 2 is good. I am waiting on one more decision letter but not really expecting it to change my mind of where I want to go.

Life is full of tons to do right now, and I really think I am where I need to be. Although nervous I may have to move earlier than expected but I will find  out. Can't stress about that until I know for sure.

Anyways that's my update for the moment. I am sure there will be more eventually

[Hope67]

HI Elpha,
Glad that your M's visit was ok, and that your trip went well.  Great that you enjoyed seeing Kelly Clarkson perform - sounds really good.
Good luck with your interview - I know it's a while away yet, but it's great that you have it!   
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Hope! 

I came here to post a bit about what is going on. I had my session with my t last night. We are diving into the "hard stuff", as if the other stuff wasn't, but I am at a point we are starting to tackle the most difficult of my memories (primarily my physical/sexual abuse) with emdr. I am glad I have come far enough I can hold those type of memories and process them. They were overwhelming when I first started with this T, so I am glad to have made this kind of process. It is still kind of intimidating because I know there is a lot to get into. I know that this week went well, but I am aware of the fact it won't always go so smoothly... I won't always have the ability to hold the memory as well as I did last night, and sometimes it will take a much bigger toll on me to process these. I am determined to heal and will tackle the rough times and I know my T will help me stay present and remind me to stop if I need to. She did last night before we started because we knew I was getting into a really difficult memory.

Speaking of last night's session, I started processing the newer memories I got a month or so ago. Those are ones that are held by a 2 year old version of myself, ones that I really had to work to kind of place in my story.

*trigger warning* (foo abuse, sexual abuse mentions)



This particular memory is when my uncle molested me as a toddler. It is relatively new for me to have that memory, because I guess it is finally safe enough for me to have the information. I worked on processing the fear that younger me felt in that moment,  I remember specific bits of the event but it is not a clear full memory. I remember him touching me, and I remember her teaching me to touch him. At 2 years old I had no concept of what that was. I had no concept of why it was wrong, I just knew it felt icky and scary. It is harder to process from a time period that I had no real understanding of it. By the time I was 6 or 7 I had an understanding not an adult understanding but certainly a level of comprehension that I should not have had so those memories feel different and more clear. From 2 year old me though I had no concept of it.

Little me held a lot of fear and confusion. She loved her uncle and didn't know why he wanted her to do those things. It feels like there was a separation in that moment because I could not have held both truths as a small child. My uncle was a caretaker of me at that point in my life and I needed to be able to still have him meet my basic needs despite this moment.

I envisioned her getting to have some form of power to shove my uncle away and run to my parents and tell them. In this version they held me, listened, and believed me. They did what I needed them to do and protected me. It was healing a way to get the experiential, I used to underestimate the effect that could have but it does start to heal those fears and memories. It doesn't change them but it helps my mind and body heal. It can lesson the anxiety around the memory and certainly changes the body sensations that surround it.

*end trigger warning*


Mid session I did go a bit more into that memory and got lost for only a half second because my T decided to say something in that moment and it brought me instantly back. I then managed to remain present the rest of the session. It gives me faith that I will manage to to this with more memories and do more true emdr on the ones from when I was slightly older. Hopefully making me truly ready to go into my master's program with my own junk really cleared out enough to hold others up.

[Elphanigh]

Coming back here again. There is a lot of processing in the back ground so splitting it into smaller posts. Eventually a letter to my M but that won't be until I am more at home tonight.

I realized last week that I really want and deserve an apology from my M. My D too but not as much right now. My T mentioned that it was possible that it is coming up now because there is a small bit of possibility for it to go well. I used to assume any conversation about it would lead to some sort of fight and traumatizing result so that I would never breach the subject. But having seen changes in her and in me there is this small inkling of possibility that one day I could talk to her and have it go okay.. that maybe she would actually care and listen. That being said I am not ready to go about that yet. I want to be but will not rush that.

I feel the need for an apology for her not being there when I needed her. She was physically present but she was not emotionally there for me. She missed so many signs of abuse that I wish she would have caught. I know she had her own traumas and was trying to do better than her own parents but goodness she missed so much. I needed and deserved for her to protect me, or at very least to help me in the aftermath of it. So an apology for not being there..

Also an apology for some of the ways she treated me when she was there. Being too controlling, full of anger, and verbally rather abusive at times. She did her share of damage and I really need her to recognize that. It is hard to feel like I want it to be heard and noticed..scary to think about have that conversation..but before I can trust her and let her be "mom" I need to know she recognizes and regrets these things.

I know she knows about two instances of sexual abuse in my life and I never got help with those, and feel like they got shoved under the rug. I am not sure they knew what to do but I want to know she wished she could have protected me and that they at least thought about getting me help.. that they cared about it..

Okay done for now. Need to keep the emotions to a minimum ish

[Elphanigh]

So I got another call for an interview today. I have two interviews on the 22nd (next friday) for graduate assistantships. Both would give me such valuable experience for my field. They would both get me in-state tuition, and a living stipend. It would make it possible to not work an outside job while going to school. That is huge! Other good news, I got into Simmon's university and got offered a merit scholarship to start my funding which is great. I have put in for other scholarships through UNI as well and hope to get one (we will see).

Anyways all of this is great. The interviews make me nervous but I know I interview well. However there is still the part of me that worries I'm not enough. So much is falling into place and I have gotten into my top two schools at very least. I am getting offers for funding and that is amazing. It says a lot about how much those schools want me there, but goodness do I deserve it? Am I truly ready to take that leap?

I feel like this whole process has been so fast and just one giant leap. Signing my acceptance letter and jumping into the first day of classes will be a much bigger leap.. oneinto a future that I want, but am so nervous is more than I can handle I guess.

This really boils down to imposter syndrome. I feel like maybe I look great on paper and am not so great in person? That maybe I came across as more thanI actually am.

I know better than to fully listen to that ICr and imposter thoughts. I have worked hard for all of this and have been through so much that goodness knows I deserve some good to fall into place.

There is also a piece of me waiting for this to fall apart, waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. I have had a massive influx of good, positive occurrenceS and encouragement from all sides. It is great but I don't trust it still. I am so grateful for all of it but I doubt my own deservingness of it. I doubt its ability to stay because at some point it will realize that is not my life.. that is someone else's.

Here's to trying to stay positive though. I realize I have worked so hard for these things and am truly passionate about this field. I have experience backing me, btoh my own trauma and my volunteer work. I have a T that fully supports this, groups of people that a thrilled to see me do this.. and my own heart that tells me this is where I a meant to be.. I have to believe that is enough

[Elphanigh]

I am taking some time to self care tonight. I ended up having a long DnD session last night which, while fun, is not particularly energy restoring. I still feel pretty hung over from my EMDR session Monday and think that is why. Also recognizing that I am still working through the stuff with my M which just adds more to the mix. I was being hard on myself this morning because I normally am only really tired from it for one day so having emdr roll over a second was unusual for me.. I realized, with some help, that it is reasonable as much as I have going on. Even if I didn't emdr can be really taxing and it is okay to still feel that today. It isn't bad or overwhelming it is just the tiredness and kind of background emotional process that happens. Need to be kinder to myself.

[Elphanigh]

So I definitely cracked a little today. I woke extremely anxious, after not being able to sleep much because of anxiety and my cat last night again. I was doing well to listen to music, stay somewhat focused, and be at work today. As well grounded as I could get myself to be but this afternoon I was short with a coworker not so much because of her but because of that underlying anxiety and stressors.

Originally I couldn't truly put a reason to the anxiety because little me feels okay about the processing and there was no really obvious trigger for them. However I found something that fits for me. I have been under a lot of pressure lately and it is getting to me more and more. Thus the being unable to fall asleep or sleep soundly. I haven't been able to quiet my mind or just stop and sit for a while.

I said to myself today " I just don't want to disappoint anyone" and that hit a chord, like instant tears to my eyes although held them back since I was at work when I realized that. I am feeling all of this pressure to succeed right now, and so far I am but goodness there is a part of me that is terrified to screw that up... terrified that I will stop succeeding. I have been getting so much encouragement and praise in the last several months, especially since I got my first acceptance letter. I am beyond grateful for all of it but because of my past I put pressure on that.. certainly self perpetuated so I need to deal with it and that starts with recognizing it.

The good is amazing, but I am scared to disappoint people. I am worried I will disappoint everyone that has faith in my right now, that people that say they look up to be will be disappointed and let down. That schools that let me in will be disappointed in who I actually am when I am not what they expected because some version of me is better on paper. I am worried to stop succeeding at healing... I am told by people I adore and respect that I inspire them and that they  have faith I will continue to do so.. but if I falter or stop being "good" at healing and facing this junk I ruin that inspiration.

I love the encouragement and seeing that people think so highly of me but it terrifies me what happens when I ruin that. When something happens and I fail.

There are lots of reasons in my past that have created that kind of self perpetuated pressure.. with my foo the only time I was truly praised was when I was accomplishing something perfectly. My perfect grades, class attendance, music performance, varsity sports teams, honors etc... that is when I was valuable and noticed. No one paid attention if I wasn't doing well and being way above average. Teachers grew to expect that and perpetuate it.. my abusers certainly did even before all of that because I was expected to act and respond perfectly or things would be worse for me or someone else.

I was only safe and valuable when I was succeeding and overachieving.. so it the pressure still comes so naturally to me and wears on me more than I realize. To the extent I am even putting pressure on how well I manage to heal or process... which is definitely not something I should be trying to be perfect at.. it is't possible. But all the praise and people looking to me as a role model or inspiration makes it difficult.. It reminds me of that praise when I was younger and I get freaked out I will stop mattering when I inevitably disappoint someone

[Three Roses]

I heard an anecdote once that might help give you perspective.

We look at others around us, and compare ourselves. It's natural. The successful businessperson, driving a fancy car; the beautiful family with well-mannered, healthy children; large houses with beautiful, expansive yards and gorgeous landscaping.

And we compare ourselves to others - those who look dirty, or smell funny; whose children run rampant through stores.

And we rate the successful people an 8 or 9 on a scale of 1-10, and the others a 2 or 3.

But we don't see that the successful businessperson who lives in a mansion goes home and beats their partner, cheats on taxes, and owes more on their house and car than they can ever pay.

And we don't see that the other family who goes home to their modest house gives more than their fair share to charity, and the children, although rambunctious, are happy and well-loved.

On a scale of 1 to 10, we are all 5.

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
— Theodore Roosevelt

[Elphanigh]

TR, that is a great anecdote. It certainly gives me a lot to think of an some perspective. I will need to read it a few times, after I have further calmed the more triggered bits of myself to fully understand it.

Thank you for sharing