Elpha's adventure pt. 3

[Three Roses]

 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you  Hugs are the best. It is snowing heavily here which just brings my heart a lot of joy. Snow makes me really happy inside. I also finally took some medicine last night to help me sleep so I have a bit of a cleared head thankfully. I normally can balance things and remind myself the good doesn't need to come with pressure but I got a little out of whack. Will take some working on.

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
So lovely that you're enjoying the snow and feeling happy.  That's a great feeling. 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

I am still working through the pressure that got to me this week. I do feel like it is something I need to process more directly with my T in the coming weeks.

Good news, I accepted my admissions offer from Northern Iowa. It was my top choice and of the schools that accepted me the most doable. I am excited to say I am one step closer to officially starting classes in the fall. I will be on campus next Friday to interview and hopefully get to look around for a while. It sounds like I am going to stay in town that night and just drive home in the morning, I feel like that is safer than making both drives in one day.


Things with my M have been good. She has been really excited for me and again just sweet even over text message. I am trying to remind myself that she is changing and it is okay to be a little kinder and more sincere with her.


My younger self is still doing well with the processing from last Monday which is a good sign for this new round of emdr.

Other things come to mind but honestly I want to come here a little more awake to chat about them

[Elphanigh]

I have gotten some really good perspective over the last few days. I was so worried because in my past it was my achievements and what I could do for people that was valued. I was only good enough if I was being perfect, and even then people could find fault. Often times not being perfect, or not being busy, or not playing the roles that were required of me was dangerous to my well being. So I grew to be an overachieve, perfectionist type. I got extremely good at it. To some level I am grateful for it, it got me scholarships and got me away from my abusive childhood. However it does now still hurt me from time to time because I puzh myself too far or worry that when I fail to be perfect that people will just cease to value me, and that my insights and thoughts will no longer matter.

I know though that things in my current life don't operate on that level. Through kindness here and in other places I know that people do care for me as a person.. not jsut for my achievements or what I can do for them. People do value me as a person and not just for the list of things I have done and am doing. It is still very hard to accept that I am good enough and valuable just being me, but I can logic my way to knowing others don't see me like I was seen in my abusive environment. Really this means people actually see me, rather than looking through me and just as a list of things rather than a person.

I definitely have some processing to do but I am slowly able to remind myself that I am valuable even if I am not perfect. That being human is okay, so I can be a bit kinder and a bit less on edge all the time.

[Elphanigh]

Just reflecting after my session last night.

First thing that sticks out is something my T said. we were discussing my nerves about needing to leave for school earlier than planned and just my worries that it won't happen how I need it to extra. Which led to talking about the idea that things will happen the way they are meant to, and whether I resonate or subscribe to that idea. My T realized I may not because all that has happened to me, and was honest that she struggled to wrap her mind around that when she first started working with complex trauma, particularly with people who have childhoods like my own. I was open and said I had always struggle to wrap my mind around the idea things would happen as they are meant to, because of what I had been through. That I could hardly have an idea of any sort of spirituality because of it. So what sticks out is that she said for her, she does believe that things will happen as they are supposed to but that sometime free will gets in the way of that. I am not sure that I will ever subscribe to that idea but it is fuel for thought. I do also enjoy some open discussion about this, and she knows that so our boundary there is already pretty stable when any sort of spirituality comes up. She has never pushed it, but has always allowed me the space to ponder and be curious when I wanted to. It is good for my own recovery to be able to just question all sorts of things and it is nice to have someone that I am comfortable doing so with. But this stands out as something to think on.. something that is kind of reassuring in this moment because no one really has any power to change this.

She also said that we would do some intensives like 2 or 4 hour long sessions if we needed to for me to get to the place I want to be before I leave if I do have to leave early. Would be intense but I would definitely do them if it felt productive. I need to decide what I feel like I need to have done to be ready. It does look like I will need to move in May and not August because the way that leases and paperwork are looking. It is scary for me in this moment because I had planned to have more time for a lot of things in my healing, but also just in my day to day life that I need to get all squared away before moving. It will be okay though, I have a knack for figuring things out and I need to remember that.

My T also reminded me that everything I have ever truly set my mind to I have accomplished. It is a super power I think, and one I need to remember I have. Especially at times like this when so much is happening in my life.

We did also return to processing trauma from when I was 2. Much less dynamic than last time and honestly turned into some grief work surrounding my paternal grandma who I lost when I was a teenager. Funny how those things are connected sometimes. Little me got to process and be safe, adult me got to remember her and feel some of the grief that I haven't really spoken about in my life. I miss her still and am surprised how many feelings that can still bring up in me. Nearly 9 years later and I still miss her and the safety she brought with her. She was a safe person, one full of love and light. The only member of my Foo that was ever completely good for me. One that I can't connect a single bad memory to. She was and is truly good and happy in my memory. We took time to let me sit in some good memories of her, my T had me tell her a few of my favorites without really explaining why. Then I sat in those and we made it into a resource. The feeling of safety and love could be made into something I could tap into when I needed it. Always glad my T sees those opportunities and helps me use them. I would have never through to use it as a positive resource for my own healing.

So bitter sweet, but I am glad to remember her and process some of that grief last night.


I got to talk about the flood of anxiety and sleep issues I have been having as well. Point one, excitement feels a lot like anxiety and it may be more excitement than anxiety. I am working to sit with it and see what feels true in these feelings. Trying to separate the two. Second thing, I have not been as able to bring myself to do things that I know are grounding and helpful to me. Which has been really frustrating and led to some self shaming that is not helpful but is natural. My T pointed out that likely it is a inner child part of me that may just be scared or too excited, or some other feeling that is why I am not able to do the things I know would help myself. She reminded me there is always a reason, and that finding that why will help so much more than the self blame and frustration will. I am hopeful to try to do some yoga tonight and see if I can work through whatever has been holding me back from that practice.


I do also find myself worried about being "healed enough". I have done a lot of work, and will continue to do my work through school. I do worry that I am not healed enough to help others. I know in my personal statements I said that I was. That multiple years of healing had prepared me to help others with their trauma, but was I right? That is a future worry and one that I will only be able to tackle as it comes up. I am trying to not obsess over it. Allowing myself to write it here so it no longer lives in my head, it has a voice and a place but I need to be present in the moment and not somewhere else that is miles ahead (another good point made by my T last night, man we hit a lot last night). It is hard to not be constantly in my future worries, to stay more present right now because there is so much to coordinate and worry about for that future. My mind is already at UNI but I need to be here in my life now, preparing for UNI but not already mentally there. Work in progress as always.

I also got reminded that what people see in me, and the reason people care now is my vulnerability and humanness. That it isn't the fact I accomplish a lot or have this facade of being perfect... because I don't exude that anymore. I intentionally and honest and vulnerable in my healing. Schools know that I am a survivor and chose to accept me into their programs as is. So that openness and my own journey is enough. I am open here and in other groups.. and I was open there so that openness is what I exude most of the time. That is why I have the community and connections I do, not because I have the fake persona I used to keep up.

Then there is E, I always call her E but for anyone that does know she is my old private flute instructor from my undergrad degree who was mildly abusive. She has called, emailed, texted, and found my facebook. Trying to congratulate me on my acceptance and wanting to meet up to catch up. I have not responded at all. Trying to decide if I should to be honest. I am leaving (possibly in three months) and starting a new chapter. One that I am proud to call mine. One that is completely abuse free, and from a healthier place in me. But with closing this chapter do I want to close things with her? Do I want to attempt to get any closure from her or for myself? Do I need to say any words to her for my own healing? Could I handle saying those things? Much like with my M I wish I could say things, I wish I knew that a conversation would help but it could be damaging even if it could also be good. I think this is why I never could pull the trigger and block her number entirely. There is a part of me that wishes for closure, to be able to say the things I wished I had in college.. to maybe hear something that would make it possible for me to play more consistently again. I do miss it, but I am never sure it will be something I can do consistently... and maybe talking with her could change that.

Goodness just the idea of playing consistently again, and loving my music the same way brings tears to the back of my eyes. I think grief is certainly the forefront of everything I am processing now. It is not so much fear or anger, but grief for what was or what never was that I wish had been... for things I lost or never got the chance to have. I am not good at grief work... not really a familiar area but one I am working on.

I find myself close to tears in my T's office every week but it never actually happens. she is good to sit and let me feel them even if they don't show and to remind me that tears are good and healing. I still can't bring them to actually happen. I feel like one day they will happen and I worry they won't stop. Much like with anger I was worried It would never stop and I would just always be angry. That isn't the case. I processed my anger and can now pull on it and feel it, but it is not as overwhelming as it was. Processing my anger didn't make me into an angry person and it did not make me into my M. There are still lines in how I will express anger but it is because I am a generally quiet reserved person, so anger for me does not come out in the loud overly expressive way it does for some others. For me I could say angry things, and could envision in my heard being angry and kicking this etc. I could physically (in a safe exercise) push my therapist and allow myself to throw a ball at the wall.

With that in mind my tears and the pain of grief would be harder at first, but they would also come to pass. They would become manageable and something I could process and call on when I needed. They would become something I am not afraid of. I could learn to sit with them and not drown in them.. I could find that they don't make me a sad person, just like anger doesn't make me an angry person. Will see what my T says next week. Put it on the list of things I want to ask. It was on there but i didn't get to it and other things felt more important this week. But I find myself asking if it is bad I still haven't cried in her office? Not truly allowed myself to be that vulnerable. I am otherwise very vulnerable and open in that office but that is where I still struggle to open up.

Okay, obviously a million things happening in my head all at once. It is running ten bazillion miles an hour and I got a sense of calm in my session last night that I was unable to hold onto. I am going to try to tap into it when I get home tonight.

Otherwise for now, this post is far to long so I will stop here and come back if I need to later. 

[Elphanigh]

This post should be shorter, I promise. I have had so much on my mind it just comes out in novel form sometimes. I physically sat down and wrote in a journal last night, hoping it would help me process some things physically. Anyways I realized why I am so afraid of leaving in May instead of August.

1. The part of me that needs stability, predictability, and safety freaked out. Moving my timeline up three months is a giant change and it is hard for part of me to adapt to that.

2. I am scared of leaving my current T. I know that may sound silly but it is a hard relationship to imagine leaving. My T has become, over the last two years, a source of safety, encouragement, warmth, and healing. She is a consistent presence in my life and the first person to be able to truly help me sit with my trauma and heal. The first true healing relationship I have had, and one I could learn a lot more from if I were to stay. It is scary to think of not having that source of support that I have grown so used to having.. It worries me that I am not ready to leave that. Also scares me to try to rebuild that with another therapist... I will want to continue my healing work, maybe not as intensely while I am in school but definitely still want to continue healing and seeing someone. That will mean finding someone new.. and building that trust while I am also working to transition into life. I am worried that leaving my current T is too soon, or will be too much.. That healing relationship has become so important and I hadn't even truly realized it until I started processing my fears. I need to process this with her but am unsure of how to bring that up. I am always vulnerable and open with her, but this feels like a different level.

3. It gives me less time to back out. Moving early is more permanent and real much earlier. I have less time for something to go wrong and me to have to react to it etc.. less time for this to sink and go spinning away. I know that sounds backwards since I have been so excited but it is a fear that I feel right now.

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
You have so many changes going on, so be kind to yourself.  I can particularly understand the second point you listed about being scared to leave your current T - that is such a big thing.  Sending you a gentle hug of support with everything here 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Hope  Hugs are the best for these like this. I am glad my fear is understood, I really appreciate that validation so much.

[Elphanigh]

Feeling so much better today. I took a few hours of time off this morning before going into work today. I decided I really wanted, needed, and deserved to stop the giant anxiety and fear cycle I have been in. Taking that bit of time is seriously the best self care I have done in weeks. I feel much more okay and settled.


Last night I talked with my roommate about the move, spoke logistics and possible solutions etc. We both walked away feeling better about the whole thing which is good. It will be doable.

[Elphanigh]

I have been here a lot this week. I will likely be here more tonight but for now I wanted to write out things I could be excited about. I wrote down my fears and feel like I need to write why I am excited to balance it out.

1. Moving in May means time to settle into a new town and space before having to settle into the stress of school. It also gives me the opportunity to work into a therapeutic relationship without the stress of school already being present.

2. It means I get to leave my very stressful job sooner which really is such a great thing.

3. I will have time to take an entire week to move and unpack. I have never had that freedom before.

4. I get to start my new chapter. I do truly believe this is what I am meant to be doing with my life. I am meant to help others and specifically to help survivors of trauma take back their lives and their voices. Everyone deserves to be heard and I have the ability to hear many people in my career. I intend to listen and hold space for as many people as I can, and guide as many as I can to where they want to be. That all starts with getting my degree, with learning the skills my Master's program has to teach me. I am a healer and an advocate now, but goodness the things I will be able to do when trained and empowered.

That last one alone is enough to move my life. It is enough to risk leaving the life I have built here and having to rebuild a new one again. It is worth leaving the first place I made home for myself, the first place where I was truly myself. I can be a fuller more true version of myself in Iowa, one that is on a beautiful path. Being able to help others more fully is enough for me to face all the fears I am going through right now... and to kick all the doubts aside and remember why I am being brave and taking a giant leap of faith. The people I can help, people I don't even know yet, are enough for me to do this. So I will be brave, strong, and resilient. I will tap into my excitement and help ease my own fears or at least learn to live with them better. I will do this with such passion and heart that nothing could possibly deter me from it.

I am strong and brave. I am not fearless but I can conquer and work with the fears rather than against them. They mean I have something to gain and learn. I meant to be walking this path and have known that for a logn time. Even when I was super little all I wanted to was to help others. Every plan I ever had for my own life revolved around how that could make the world more full of kindness, and even just a little brighter for other people. It was and is some innate part of my being and I am finally allowing myself the chance to really let that flourish. To use that heart as a strength and not view it as my weakness. It was never a weakness even though it felt like it for so long.

My past also helps here. I will never say I am grateful for my abuse or for my CPSTD and I don't think I need to be. That does not mean that I can't use that experience to help and to grow. It doesn't mean that I can't use it to be a better healer. I think I can utilize it without being grateful it happened.

Tomorrow's interviews are huge and nerve wrecking however they are a chance towards experience in my field. They are a chance to share my passions and ideas and to get to have a strong place on this campus come August. They are a way for me to start to stretch my wings a little, and have even more chance to learn and grow. So I will not be fearless, but I will be confident and brave.




That took a turn I did not expect it to but I am glad it did. 

[Three Roses]

 

You're so inspiring! Thanks for posting.

[Elphanigh]

Thanks, Three Roses! Glad my sharing can be inspiring. I am so nervous for today but so excited to see campus and have a chance at two great Assistantships. The new adventure really starts this morning, at least the phase 1/2 I think. Phase one is more in May when I move.

Excited and terrified, things are a mix but it will be so good. Lots of luck and hope for today

[Elphanigh]

For anyone keeping track, my drive and visit to University of Northern Iowa went really well. I have really appreciated all of the encouragement and support here! It has been a lifesaver over the last few weeks of anxiety and doubt.

Campus and the city surrounding it really feel like I could call them home for a couple of years to get my degree here. My interviews both went well. Although, I am much more excited about one of them than the other. I am hopeful for either one but really Want one on one over the other.


Now that I have been here and started to meet people calm my fears and doubts have started to subside. All of the worries of not being enough and the inner critic voices that were screaming so loudly have really quieted. It a nice relief

[Not Alone]

"The people I can help, people I don't even know yet, are enough for me to do this. So I will be brave, strong, and resilient. I will tap into my excitement and help ease my own fears or at least learn to live with them better. I will do this with such passion and heart that nothing could possibly deter me from it. "

I am proud of you and excited for the next steps in your journey. Understand your fear of change, and especially of leaving your T, but you sound like you are doing a good job of going step by step and having good self-care.