Elpha's adventure pt. 3

[Blueberry]

"I am strong and brave. I am not fearless but I can conquer and work with the fears rather than against them. They mean I have something to gain and learn. I meant to be walking this path and have known that for a logn time. Even when I was super little all I wanted to was to help others. Every plan I ever had for my own life revolved around how that could make the world more full of kindness, and even just a little brighter for other people. It was and is some innate part of my being and I am finally allowing myself the chance to really let that flourish. To use that heart as a strength and not view it as my weakness. It was never a weakness even though it felt like it for so long."

Wow! Elpha, when I think back over your progress the time I've known you on this forum, I feel blown away at your progress! You really are strong and brave, determined, talented. I take my hat off to you. Really . 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both so very much 

It means the world to have you recognize the progress, Blueberry. I think I am creeping up on two years here (where did the time go?). It has and will continue to be such a huge journey. I reread my own words and it is still so weird to read the difference like it feels like a different person sometimes. I had no idea how far I would come in that time, and certainly no idea that I would be preparing for a degree in the mental health field. I wouldn't change it for a second though  Thank you for being here along this journey.

[woodsgnome]

Hey, Elpha -- it's a very freeing feeling to notice when yes, it does seem like a real corner is being turned. That even if there are hazards unknown to encounter, just knowing one has made it beyond previous struggles is an accomplishment to fall back on, accept, and once again feel confident enough to keep moving forward. To a time when the words still sound meaningful, but now the steps have been tried and sometimes they seem more meaningful as well.

Here's to more good 'cess as you journey further. 

[Elphanigh]

I am finally coming here today. It is day four for me. Day four is kind of my survival count for the day. Four days of making it and doing what I need to in order to survive.

The first couple of days I was not sure I would survive it, I wasn’t sure I wanted to survive this. I will and I do want to survive this now. It is extremely painful when I feel it, but there are waves of numb, then there are moments of normal. There are moments I am reminded of the life I have built and am shown that life doesn’t just disappear. It is still there for me as I am ready to take it back. Slow steps but steps towards that are being made.

I went out and got one of my favorite lattes and real fast burritos in the city this morning. I chose to do something normal and go to a place that had other humans in it. Where interactions were pretty certain to be safe. To remind myself those places and things are still mine, even if they feel distant right now.

That life and those things do feel so distant, and I get glimpses of them occasionally now but it is hard to hold onto them.

*TW*
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I don’t feel whole right now, like I know somewhere all of me exists but I don’t feel like I have all of those pieces actively right now. I don’t feel fully, which does mean I don’t feel the pain fully but it also means I don’t feel the joy or positive things in my life either.

I was abused relentlessly as a child. I was beaten, raped, thrown, emotionally torn apart etc.. and I have rebuilt from that, I suvrvived despite so many things that threatened to be the end of me. I claimed my life back. I have done so much healing and worked so hard to be the person I am.

So having this hurt in current day is difficult. I don’t think there is anyways to make it easier. I think my healing before this gives me tools to survive this, but it doesn’t make it feel less awful. It doesn’t make me truly believe I will be okay, I am still not sure that I ever will be. I say I will be okay, and I say that it will feel better but I have yet to truly believe those words. I say them as a reminder that I have been through worse and come out the other side. I say it so I continue to want to survive. There are moments that is really hard.

Day four means a lot. I got home, I got out of the initial shock, and I got back to safety. I managed to drive across state lines and get home. Survival instincts worked and got me here. Determination and resilience paired with some luck.

My body will slowly become my own again, every day I am farther away from him. I think it is like 7 years and all the cells in my body will be different. I celebrated that moment with my early abuse. I was elated to have that moment. Likely I will celebrate that day again, but pray that healing does not take me that long to latch onto this time.

I already knew how personal and devastating sexual assualt and rape could be because of my past. In the present day it feels different, it is no longer a distant memory. Instead this is a new nightmare..one I can remember and still feel like it was yesterday... truly because it was four days ago. I am strong and resilient and have to keep holding onto that.

I am sharing and writing here because it keeps me accountable, it keeps me aware of my own patterns right now. It makes me recognize the shame I had around having it happen again. I can see the parts of me that struggle because they didn’t do enough to protect me. I fought back more than I ever have in my life but I froze still. My bodies natural response is to freeze and dissociate. It kept me safe when I was younger and it is the natural response it still has to trauma.

I need to not shame that. From my learned and logical perspective I know that is a normal, and very common reaction, it is one that keeps people alive and allows them to separate enough to keep going. So I can try to be thankful my body reacted. I can recognize that response is not my fault, and the fact he took advantage is not my fault.

I can also recognize that I don’t think I deserved this, i know that I did not deserve this to happen to me. I have enough of a sense of self and love for my self that I know I didn’t do anything to deserve the abuse. That is improvement in a form. I used to think the abuse was because I was twerrible and had done something to deserve it in my life. That it was paying for something I had or would do.i know that isn’t true. I know I deserve good and kind things in my life, I deserve the people that are being so full of love and compassion for me right now. The people I have by my side as I walk through this. That is what I deserve and am so grateful I have been given the chance to ave it.


So I will keep walking forward. I will keep healing. I will learn to hold both the life before and after this until I can form them into one. I will learn to heal and breathe again. I will learn to trust and to laugh fully again. I will do so by leaning on the people that are here for me, by seeing my T as often as needed and allowing her to help guide me. As she told me yesterday she will help me through this. “We will get you through this, you will heal. You will be okay  again “ ... I have the strength and wisdom of others to lean on and I will have to practice leaning on that over and over again. The fact I have so early is probably helpful for me in the long run.

This is my truth and where I am now. Slowly I will get out of this.. this too shall pass.

[Blueberry]

  on wanting to survive this, I mean  on getting back to the stage of wanting to survive.

In your corner cheering you on! Thanks for TW and big space before text. I can't bear to read it rn. Wishing you lots of healing energy and know we're here for you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for cheering me on and for not reading the tw stuff out of self care. It s not terribly descriptive but full enough of honest emotion I figured it would be a lot to handle for anyone. I am grateful that helped.  It means the world to me that you are in my corner and sending lots of healing energy. I feel like I am just trying to absorb as much of that as I can.

It does mean the world you are with me, Blueberry. Honestly without the community of people I have here and in real life I may never have gotten to the wanting to survive part. I am grateful today for so much

[Elphanigh]

I find that I struggle more at this hour of evening. Also, right now any observation is a good one. I am working intensely on self awareness and becoming more present with myself. So lots of journal entries on things I notice.

Some video games are already triggering. My roommate turned one on and it was rather quickly too much for my system. I don't think I can take in a lot of stress, chaos, or loud noise right now. Just feels like being overloaded.

I do also find that I worry about school in the fall, and whether I deserve to go that route. Can I truly say I will be ready? Can I trust my own judgement? I feel like going into clinical work and becoming a therapist is so much built on trusting my own judgement in the moment with clients... can I really trust my judgement now?  Do I deserve other people trusting in it?

I feel like I misread him, or missed something I should have seen. That I chose incorrectly. I feel like because I froze maybe I can't teach people skills to help themselves... how can I help other people heal if I am not even healed enough to keep myself from having this experience again?

Logically I see this self blame and know it is based on a need to have control, and a need to not feel so afraid. It was terrifying and is, but that is such a hard emotion to sit with. It also has a giant root in shame... feeling like I am supposed to be so good at seeing this and protecting myself because I have healed so much and have been through so much. It is really easy to feel shame for not being enough in that moment. For being broken and only a partial self.

I do also have that sense. I don't completely feel like myself. I feel like I am partial and incomplete right now..

Anyways that's enough for tonight...

[Three Roses]

My dear, I am at a loss for words. I feel your hurt and doubt.

You have survived much, and have a treasury of insight and healing to offer those who will come to you in the future. And they will come to you, in whatever capacity, because your light will draw them.

We need people like you in this world.

These things were not your doing, and although I understand the shame you say you're feeling, I clearly see that it does not belong to you. Your system went into its default survival mode, nothing more. That he took advantage is something he is guilty of - the guilt is not yours. Try to be rid of it, dear. I know it will be hard, but try. 

[Elphanigh]

Three Roses, thank you for reading and for feeling this with me. Knowing you understand where the doubt and shame I am feeling is truly validating.

I have a lot of dissonance going on right now. I know the symptoms and early processes of trauma because I have been there so many times before. I have dealt with an experienced the shame, self blame, guilt, doubt etc... I have also read so many books, and helped others through this spot. So logically I understand the ins and outs. I understand the whys and how's....

However, emotionally and physically it is an entirely different beast. It is hard to place that blame where it belongs. It is hard to not doubt my own judgement and abilities. It is hard to feel like myself at all, let alone trust myself.

But I know logically why and where that comes from. There is a lot of confusion in that tbh. Like I've been here before and I should just be able to work through it but I have to go through the process again because my feelings don't match what I know logically will be true.


It means soooo much that you think the world needs people like me. The reminder that my light will draw them in is amazing. It is hard to see my own light right now, I forgot it was there. Thank you for reminding me it exists.

It will be a challenge but I will find the faith I had in myself again.


I promise to try to be rid of the guilt and shame. Thank you for recognizing how hard that will be.  I think I could reread your response many times over and gain something new from it every time. It truly brings a lot of comfort and reassurance.


Comeplelt diffeerent note. My roommate has become more of a rock the last few days than I think she realizes. I am not terribly physically affectionate with her generally, normally I reserve that for other people. But I have needed a shoulder to lean on very literally since I got home on Tuesday. I have been able to just sit or lay next to her and just lean on her. That small affection is a comfort and a small way of letting someone else hold some of this for a bit. She also offered very kind and encouraging words tonight. Recognizing my fear of not being able to handle going back to Iowa or starting school for trauma work because of this... before I had even voiced it to her. Normally I don't lean on her emotionally unless it is small things but she has been a massive help with this just being present.

I am strong, resilient, and determined.. but I know I can't do this one on just my own strength. I need some from the people that care for me. The last few days have been a huge test of my ability to lean into those supports. I am so grateful to have them. I am in awe of the reminders of my worth and capabilities.l. Even more in awe that not one person has questioned my truth or questioned my ability to keep moving forward on the path I was on. Not sure how I got so lucky to have so many people in my corner that believe in me so fully even after this.

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

o honey,

may i address your fears and doubts about becoming a therapist here?  el, a therapist is not a perfect human being who knows all the answers, who has all her own crapola together, and who will never make mistakes.  rather, a t is someone who has the best interests of the client at heart, will listen for the individuality being presented, and will find ways to reach the client by keeping an open mind and a willingness to find a way. 

i was a therapist without emotions, compassion, or empathy, yet i connected with adolescents and helped a great many learn that all adults are not the enemy and that they can be their own best friends.  that's what was important for them to know.  without all that i was lacking, i was able to have that therapeutic distance i needed, as there were some rough stories out there.  but, despite my deficits, somehow i knew what they needed, and gave them that openly and warmly.

because of your past experience, and your newfound knowledge re: this recent event, you have learned how some of these dynamics work, even to those of us who have experienced them before.  as horrible as this experience has been for you, you will be able to incorporate it into your therapeutic arena and it will make you better able to work with clients who have had a similar experience.

having cues and clues readily available to understand is not always reality, as you've found out last weekend.  these people are experts at setting their victims up.  this is something you will know and understand when you have a client before you who is expressing the same self-doubts, the same blame, shame, and guilt that you're feeling.  all of this, my dearest el, is what will go toward making you a dynamic, exceptional therapist.

my opinions only, of course, but i believe them of you with all my heart.  the progress you have made in overcoming your demons of the past while making such positive, worthwhile plans for your future, even with setbacks such as this, speaks worlds of the greatness within you.  your light may be dimmed for a second, but it refuses to go out.  it is shining on your path as well as it shines out to the world to make it easier for others to find their way.  you are amazing.  much love, always.

[Elphanigh]

San, my dear sister, of course you can address those fears here. I always welcome your insights in my journal. 

What you shared gives me hope. It reminds me that even my current t, who I think is beyond amazing, isn't perfect. Especially in group but in my own individual sessions she is honest about not being perfect. A few weeks ago I went to her worried because I wasn't being great at self care or really being able to do the things I needed to in order to get my anxiety to go down. I worried that if I couldn't help myself how could I help others? This new event really exacerbates it. Then she told me that I didn't need to be perfect, that most therapists and humans in general could not help themselves like they could others, she shared that she could help her clients with somethingnand still struggle to enact it in her own life. That it was okay.  Between her and your words here I can start to be kinder to myself about this one.

I was glad to use my old experiences and healing to help others, that understanding was something I truly believed was valuable andnwould help me help others. I even wrote it in personal statements and many journal entries here. You're right, this new experience will add to that dynamic as well. I will have one more thing to draw on when a client comes to me. One more thing I will truly understand.

Yeah, having cues is really difficult. I just wish I had. I wish I had managed to be safe and to not get hurt. I wish a lot of things and accepting that I couldn't have done anything differently is difficult. It releases any control I had or could have had on the situation. It means this is possible in the future.. it means I was still in a form helpless.. that no amount of healing will stop that from being true if I end up in this position again in my life.

Thank you for seeing so much in me. For seeing my light even when I am struggling to see it. I needed all of those reminders and will probably continue to need them as I process.

Lots of love 

[Not Alone]

My heart is breaking for you and what you just endured. You are not to blame, at all. I know that you know that in your head, but I will say it again, ALL the blame is on Him, you are innocent. If I knew you in person, I would hold you and remind you that you are a precious woman. "I know I deserve good and kind things in my life, I deserve the people that are being so full of love and compassion for me right now. The people I have by my side as I walk through this. That is what I deserve and am so grateful I have been given the chance to have it. " You are right, you deserve love and compassion.

[Elphanigh]

I really appreciate hearing (reading those words). It helps to continue to remind myself I didn't do anything wrong and didn't deserve it. It is hard to keep that in mind sometimes. Thank you for particularly noting I am a precious woman, and would be worth holding. That would be such a comfort. 

[sanmagic7]

my dear el,

that idea that we don't have control over everything, can't see everything coming no matter how hard we look can be daunting.  that's for sure.  unfortunately, life is like that.  we do the best we can, learn what we're able to learn, and trust that we'll make the best decision for ourselves at the time. 

i believe you did that, made the best decision with the information you had.  that something bad happened, and i'm just echoing everyone else, is not on you.  not at all.  and it doesn't take away anything that you've built for yourself within yourself during your recovery.  your hard work is not for naught. 

we all can only do what we can to keep ourselves safe.  you will continue to do that, and your strength and determination will see you through.  you are precious but not weak.  your warrior spirit is there as always.  it's what helped you survive.

keep taking care of you.  love and hugs, always.