Elpha's adventure pt. 3

[Elphanigh]

Feeling in the clear today!!!      One less worry today and that feels amazing. Like a bit of this can lift and be okay. I no longer have to fear being pregnant which is fantastic. I think having that anxiety and fear removed is allowing my body and mind to relax. I got to sleep and feel somewhat rested. I feel lighter today than I have in weeks.

On another note I am starting to find more pieces and feelings. I realize I feel like all of this was unfair. I was on cloud nine, getting everything I could wish for. I was getting into school, making moving plans, having interviews, lovingncampus. I was making giant strides in healing and feeling more confident and having faith in myself. Then all of that was knocked from under my feet and I ended up at ground zero in an instant. It took just like two minutes to have me completely knocked over. That is unfair and awful. I know I deserved to have the boundaries and my body language respected.

Then I realize as s kid it was unfair too. The amount of abuse and toxicity in my life has always been unfair to me. I never deserved an ounce of it. I deserved someone to protect me when I needed it backthen. I deserved to get to be s kid with truly loving parents and people that were healthy. I deserved to grow up playing and being fearless. I deserved to be s kid in the fullest meaning of that word.

Life has been terribly unfair to me. This is not a feeling of "why me?" or an attempt to gain pity by sny means. It just is. No one deserves the abuse, me included. I was thrown a lot of awful cards and I had to deal with them. I have and continue to deal with them.

[Deep Blue]

Hey sweetie,
Sorry I was MIA all of February. I've been keeping mostly to myself.  I just saw that you had been struggling. 

Just wanted to let you know that I still care about you and am sending you some love.  Safe  if it's ok

[Elphanigh]

Hi DB,

I am glad to hear from you! No need to apologize at all  I hope you were taking the time you needed for yourself and that you are doing well. It has been quite a difficult three weeks but I am getting there, and am finding that I have so many people in my corner. It helps a lot.

Lots of love and safe hugs 

[Deep Blue]

Well you can add me to your corner sweetie. I've always cared about you and will continue to, long after I have left this forum.

I'm not up to posting much lately, so that how much you mean to me 

[Elphanigh]

I am grateful to have you in my corner. Even when you aren't posting here I know you are always there in spirit, kind of like San is as well.


Today I am feeling lighter and stronger still. Less scared and fearful. One step at a time with this junk, right? Will see my T tonight and no doubt hit some big stuff so trying to keep my energy going at work today. I worked a 55 ish hour week last week (in 6 days, so not too bad). I have not done that in a long time but am glad to be able to hold all of this and work to do the moving things that need done.

[Three Roses]

Glad to hear you are feeling stronger with each passing day. You're so vital to our forum, such a strong and informed voice. Take care, my friend.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Three Roses! I am trying to just keep moving and keep finding more strength through all of this. It is a challenge for sure. It means sooo much to hear that you think I am so vital to this place, and a "strong and informed voice". That is really kind and I am glad to be any bit of that. I try to be. You all have made my morning. Lots of love 

[Three Roses]

💕👍

[Elphanigh]

I changed my profile picture here to kind of match where I am more. I feel more like that picture is me right now. Starting to shine through some of the dark bits of this, and really finding that fighting spirit the last few weeks. It is a less peaceful place to be but one that is helping me find a fire that I need to keep moving and going.

That being said that light is coming back. I am finding some energy, some hope, and even some faith in myself again. It is a hard and exhausting process but I am really getting to a place where I am a bit more okay with the world. I have a lot to tackle but I am finding that it is okay to be where I am. I am finding that I think I will be okay and where I need to be come May. That it is okay to give myself time to do this and tackle all of this. It is a lot to handle and I am holding it with as much grace as I can. That I think is a super power and I need to give myself some credit for doing all that I am right now.

I am also just finding my voice and expression is back. I am starting to roar again. Finding that place where I feel like sharing my story and my thoughts is powerful again. Even just in my day to day I am showing up bigger again, more sure of myself, and more fully the self that I have come to know. I got to talk about my plans for the future with confidence and excitement again. I am functioning at work and enjoying getting to talk to people and show up in the world a more complete version of myself.

Not everyday is like that. I can't always roar but more often I am finding it, even when it is a little quiet. 

[Anjulie]

Wow. 

[woodsgnome]

Elphanigh said: "I can't always roar but more often I am finding it..." 

Thanks for sharing these good vibes and where they fit on your journey. It's as if your new roar is finding its way right past the words, right out of the space behind the writing. After so much wondering and wandering, it's so good to see this new horizon still shining through. Wishing you more, but for right now, savour these moments of breakthrough.   

[Elphanigh]

I am glad to share these moments of breakthrough. It is easier to celebrate and hold onto these if I write them down.  I am glad that roar is coming right past my words and writing! It is really nice to be seeing the new horizon again.

Thanks for celebrating with me!

[Elphanigh]

Coming here to celebrate at to talk about my EMDR session last night.

For me when I hit the end of EMDR on a specific memory or image there is always this really powerful shift. Every time I hit that I come away energized and have a lot of great breakthrough realizations. Last night I finished working on an image from the incident in Iowa. One, it is crazy that three weeks later I am able to be doing and finishing EMDR on this (like how the heck?), it is encouraging and I am realizing how majorly huge that is. Two, I did hit that powerful moment of shifting that I am so used to hitting at the end of an EMDR set. This was my second session on this image and my goodness it is freeing. Reminds me that I need to get trained in EMDR as soon as possible when I am in school or right out of it for my own clients.

This break through moment has a few parts. One I see the unfairness in this situation. I can recognize how I didn't deserve it, and never have deserved any of it.

Two, I see strength in younger me. There was this moment of change while I was processing, where I looked at younger me and saw how much I had been through. In that moment I saw the strength and resilience that took to survive. I saw the strength I had, even as a kid. I could see and recognize that I have never been weak or small, because I was always fighting. I was always using my strength to continue to live and grow. I chose to live not in fear, even then. I chose to do music, school, sports, etc.. because I wanted a normal life, I chose to dream and chase those dreams to lead me out of that abusive place. There is so much strength, resilience, and courage in that. I chose to not let the abuse that was happening define my life. I have never looked at younger me a truly seen that. It is a massive shift. I could absorb and believe how amazing it is that I survived all that I did. She has always told me that is was truly a miracle of sorts because so many people don't survive or come out functioning after what I have been through. It was the first time I think I could truly absorb and believe how special that is.

Then I saw the strength and resilience in myself for what it is. I told my T last night that I do refuse to live scared or afraid. I have always refused to live that way no matter what I have been through. I have always chased after the things I wanted and chosen to not let these things define who I am. I refused to hide and run away from life. That is true resilience and courage I think. I see that now. I see that three weeks out from being assaulted again that I am living a full life. I am working, seeing friends, doing self care, I am working towards my goals again and not hiding. I only stayed away from the world for like three or four days. To recoop and get my initial shock to wear away. This could have kept me in that state for months, and does for people sometimes, so the fact I am so okay and already healing is phenomenal.

We also realized I do not fit the diagnosis for Cptsd anymore. Solidly no way that I could be diagnosised with it anymore. that is phenomenal progress in the last two years with her. I know that not having the symptoms for a diagnosis does not mean I do not have doses of it. It also doesn't mean I don't have a place here. I feel like even without that diagnosis this place is a family of sorts for me and that it is still okay to post here and to heal. It is just more a sign of how far I have come.

Even more than that is the fact I may not even meet the criteria for normal Ptsd anymore. We are going to do the reassessments next week (I am due for them anyways). My T does truly believe I won't hit those bench marks anymore, and honestly I think I might not either. It will be close I think but I don't think my symptoms are truly strong enough or affecting my daily life enough anymore to truly hit the diagnosis mark. That puts me in a state of awe. I know my t has told me she thought we would see the day that I did not meet the criteria anymore, but I did not think it would be even possible truly. Let alone at this stage. I guess it does go to show how much healing I have done in the last few years. I have done consistent work and put in so much to heal and feel better. Also again the resilience and strength coming through. 

I think even if I still do meet that criteria it is okay. I have done so much and for that I am proud. I have 8 sessions left with this t ( I am still not prepared for that to end) and will attempt to do so much work while I am there. Need to start looking for a new t in Iowa as well, but will give that a bit more time as I am trying to balance everything else for the moment.

I am feeling empowered and like a fire has truly been lit. All I can really think is how this means it is possible to truly heal. That I will be able to tell my future clients and the survivors I surround myself with that it is truly possible. Hopefully I will be able to help people get to that point. By no means am I done healing, but I can see the healing happening. I see the fruits of all of this hard work. I can have more hope it is possible for others, and possible for me to help lead people through that.



We did also talk about my inability to cry in her office. It was good to touch base about that. It is a lot about the kind of person that I am and some blocks I do have. But nothing that I need to be completely worried with. I was reminded that I am processing so much, I am processing sad and in pain emotions, there just are not tears to them and that is okay. There will be tears when and if I ever need there to be. As long as I am processing and working through these things it is okay.

Feeling good today.

[Three Roses]

This is such heartening, encouraging news! We can be free....

[Elphanigh]

Three Roses I am glad it is heartening and encouraging to you too  I really do think we can be free. I have hope for me and for everyone else today. I will find out for sure next Monday, but either way this is all so encouraging because it does feel freeing. I could have been diagnosed with CPTSD and anxiety/depression before the time I was 10.. 15 years later it is possible that I have healed my way through it enough to no longer fully meet the criteria. It is possible and that gives me so much hope. It is hard to explain what that feels like in this moment.