Sceal's third journal

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Sceal

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Sceal's third journal
« on: January 04, 2019, 09:23:18 PM »
I ended my last journal writing about my first day at my new job. And I forgot to write something incredible important!

I had a goal, I was so terrified before I went in I nearly shat my pants (no joke)Ö but I did it! I followed through. I didn't listen to the anxiety monster.

But more than that I dared to voice my ideal working hours and asked for them. Which is not something that I could have done only a short while ago. And to me, this is huge.

And despite having done both, I continued to challenge myself afterwards and visit a "red-zone" store! And I walked past the "red-zone" busstop.

I did GREAT today.

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Deep Blue

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2019, 09:56:22 PM »
Proud of you Sceal  :hug:

Thanks for the tea.  I just got a millisecond to sit and made myself some irl too

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2019, 11:33:19 PM »
 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

that's terrific, sceal!  well done!   :applause:

dang, you're amazing.  love and hugs, sweetie.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2019, 08:46:00 AM »
Thank you guys! Yeah, it was pretty terrific. Perhaps that if I do this enough times, I'll even start believing I can do more than I think I can. Although, I'm hoping without a week-long body-pain situation, and stupidly high anxiety.

The Bad Stuff
What didn't happen on Friday though, was my parents calling and asking me how my first day was. They knew I was anxious. And them not calling, eventhough I didn't actually want to talk to them, I wanted them to care. Them not calling made me feel unwanted, and dissapointed. It reminded me of last year when mom "forgot" about my participating in a gallery show with two art-works. The feeling was quite unpleasant, and quite hurt.
I think though, I was also especially prone to it, because Friday was a very vulnerable day.

Yesterday I felt lack of motivation for anything. I didn't really want to do anything. And a friend of mine had asked me to help out on an event coming in February, and she needed me to confirm I'll be there. And I was just filled with dread and unwillingness. Though I have said yes, so I shall go.

In a phone call with my dad, he asked me about my diagnosies. I froze up, I couldn't say PTSD. I am still too afraid if they ask me why.

The Good Stuff
Reading about self-compassion in a book by Kristin Neff (I think her name was) as well as another book on the same topic. Has really helped me take a perspective on trying to become more compassionate towards my emotions. Which made the disspointment, and hurt by the lack of my parents calling easier to carry. I spent alot of time that evening in bed to try and be kind to the emotions. I don't quite rightly know how to do it yet, know what to say to myself that is caring. And actually is caring and not just pretending.

Also my parents did call, but not until Saturday. Both of them, despite them being in the same cabin. They didn't want to call me on Friday, incase I was so worn out that I wasn't able or willing to talk. So it turns out they did care. And if I had been kinder to myself and towards them, I should have remembered that they do actually love me. They just doesn't always know how to show me.


Other Stuff
I still have alot of body-pain, stiffness in my shoulders and lower back + hips. I will attempt to will myself to drive out and walk in this local park-trail-thing. It's just a 40 min. Walk, and I've been going there 5 or 6 times since christmas already. It's sunday, so it's the day when everyone is out walking.
But I don't think sitting still all day will be a good sollution against the pain.

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Wattlebird

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2019, 10:03:58 AM »
Well done sceal, I like the self compassion attempts, trying shows you do have some, even if it's a little, it's hard having self compassion, but it's a great healing tool.
Hope your walk helped with the body pain  :hug:

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #5 on: January 06, 2019, 04:35:14 PM »
Thank you Wattlebird. The walk did help, now that I think of it.

However, I've ended up eating all the candy. Why did I buy it? Just because it was half sale? It didn't even taste good. And now all I feel is disgust by myself.

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Deep Blue

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #6 on: January 06, 2019, 05:59:11 PM »
I remember when your mom forgot about your art gallery friend.

Iím there in spirit with you always though.  Even when we have outgrown this forum, you will always have a place in my heart dear friend  :hug:

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #7 on: January 06, 2019, 07:37:20 PM »
Thank you Deep Blue, for remembering and for being here with me.  :hug:

The Bad Stuff
I just put on the stove, I intend to make fries. But I don't need them. I'm not hungry, I'm not thirsty. I'm supposed to have an evening meal, but fries does not constitue as an evening meal.
I am trying to be gentle with myself, but it's not really working. I'm being very hard, and strict, and accusotory. I should turn the stove off, yet I can't seem to make myself turn it off. I was lying on the sofa watching a show called "Counterpart", it's quite interessting, but then this craving came.
I had candy earlier today, and I had two portions of dinner, not needed. It didn't taste very well either.
So why, why am I doing this? And why can't I just stop?   :fallingbricks:

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #8 on: January 07, 2019, 12:36:59 AM »
just curious - are there rules as to what constitutes a meal?  i remember many times having appetizers, getting full on them, and deciding that was my meal.  maybe it's different for you, sweetie?   personally, i think it may be arbitrary.

please don't be hard on yourself.  we all mess up our best intentions from time to time.  love you, sceal.   :hug:

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #9 on: January 07, 2019, 06:30:52 AM »
Thank you San for asking, and making myself think twice.
I think that most days anything and everything I put in my mouth, besides candy and chips, constitutes as a meal for me. Might just be a "middle-meal", but it's still a meal.
And other days, I think there's a difference between a proper meal and crap.

I'm not sure which is healthiest. Last year, well most of 2018, until maybe around november. I most likely ate less than what I should have. I strived for not eating too much, with the exceptional splurges when I just got so angry and fed up and went "who the f* cares?!", I cared, the day afterwards. It wasn't quite on the verge of anorexia in portion size, but it wasn't healthy I've come to understand. Though I don't think this polar oposite is healthy either.
Can't I just do it right!?


The bad stuff
The day hasn't really started yet. I've been awake for 26 minutes, and I'm heading out the door any minute. My body wouldn't agree with the bed last night, and again I was in alot of pain trying to sleep. Sleeping with pain isn't particularly easy. I was so tense in my jaw and in my upper body. I tried to do a body scan, but didn't get further than my scalp. And I started with the scalp. I wasn't tired, although I'd been tired all evening.
And I woke up numerous times to go to the toilet during the night - so frustrating! And I had weird stressful dreams.
Suffice to say, I am not feeling full of energy and hope on this first full day of work. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do for 8 hours! How am I to fill it?

re-reading Lady T's letter to me. She says I should have breaks often, and try to plan what i should do in each break so that there'll be less anxiety and stress towards that area. And to be mindful and ask myself "what is happening right now (inside and outside of me) and What do I need right now?".
Ugh, I'm stressed.

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Wattlebird

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #10 on: January 07, 2019, 07:05:56 AM »
Good luck sceal, stay in the moment, it's good advice, it's just the dam anxiety messing with you (I think) if you could do this anxiety free I feel sure it would be so much easier so remember you are capable and stop doubting and listening to those inner critics telling you stuff. You've shown much courage taking this step, and that is important to remember.
Cheering u on  :cheer:

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Deep Blue

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #11 on: January 07, 2019, 12:29:52 PM »
 :yeahthat:

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Hope67

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #12 on: January 07, 2019, 08:30:01 PM »
Hi Sceal,
I didn't realise you'd started your Journal - it's here - your third.  Wishing you the best with it, and sending you a hug.  :hug:
Hope  :)

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #13 on: January 08, 2019, 06:12:09 AM »
don't have much tonite, but just know i'm with you. 

 :hug: :hug: :hug:  and much love.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #14 on: January 08, 2019, 06:35:59 AM »
Good luck sceal, stay in the moment, it's good advice, it's just the dam anxiety messing with you (I think) if you could do this anxiety free I feel sure it would be so much easier so remember you are capable and stop doubting and listening to those inner critics telling you stuff. You've shown much courage taking this step, and that is important to remember.
Cheering u on  :cheer:

Thank you for reminding me of this. I needed that! I think that we could all agree that if we got rid of the unpractical and unnesseccary anxiety most things would become easier. I hope that it'll be easier as time goes by.


Yesterday was draining. I had no mental energy at from the middle of the day til I went to bed at 8 pm. During the day I didn't struggle so much with body pain, but my back doesn't like it when I lie down to rest. Isn't that funny? It's been about two weeks now, I'm going to call for a doctors appointment because I need to re-check some bloodsamples. I'll tell my doc about it when I get in, until then I'll start on prescription pills for inflammation. I usually take them for my arms and legs, and also my legs are playing up too. They aren't used to all this walking, I'm ashamed to say. But it'll be good for them and me.

When I got to work I sat alone for an hour outside the door, because I don't have keys yet and no-one else had arrived. My boss hoped that I wasn't coming in early so she came in late (she's feeling under the weather). She felt bad when she found me sitting on the floor. It was the calmest start-up of a week ever. Although I was a little confused and unsure if it was monday, or if some messeage had been sent out that I hadn't recieved.
It was nice though. I got some unwanted information that is scaring me a little about the future. But I'll try and push that aside, because I am actually looking forward to going to work today. Despite knowing I'll be exhausted again.  :cheer: