Sceal's third journal

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
This is so lovely that your T said this about you - I just wanted to send you a gentle supportive hug 
Hope 

[Tee]

  that's awesome sceal! Keep working hard!

[Not Alone]

Glad you heard from your T and that she was able to speak such encouraging words to you.

[Sceal]

Thank you guys!

I will keep it close to me.

Right now I am panicking..I am dog sitting, and I left the house for a few hours. And now I have this irrational fear that the dog is dead. I don't know where it is from! But, it's there. And I'm terrified..I'm on my way home, but is not going any faster

[Tee]

Breath I'm sure the dog is fine!  Hugs

[Deep Blue]

I think what your T said is just lovely Sceal!

I know you have difficulty seeing strength in yourself.... but I see it in you 

You said it! The fear about the dog is irrational.  Love ya breath honey

[Sceal]

Dog is alive. And very happy to see me, now he is following me everywhere.  ❤️

I found my old stuff from the "cult". I don't know how I am feeling.

[Tee]

Yeah for the dog!  Sit down and love on the dog to take you mind off of the cult stuff.

[Not Alone]

Breathe, friend. You are safe and the dog is safe. 

[Sceal]

The good point of yesterday:

My Lady T called, she gave me some new perspectives and she complimented me.

I got to cuddle the dog. (And the dog didn't die!)

I met up with some new people I hope eventually will become my friends. One of them,  borrowed me money so I could catch the bus down and meet with them and she gave me a beautiful and unexpected gift! She's rad.

It was sunny weather.
.

It helps me writing down the positives, it makes me focus more on that than all the negatives. I'm not saying it is easy, because it isn't. And most of the time it's more like listing off things off a check-list more than I actually feel much better there and then. But I know from experience that if I keep doing it, I will start to feel better. Besides, it's such a simple thing to do. On the really rough days the only good thing I can think of tends to be the weather. Regardless of the weather. It's nice when it's raining too, especially when the only thing you do is stay indoors.

Today though.
I drove the car to the shop to see if they could take a look what was wrong with it, it turns out there was some rust damage on the exhaust thing. So he's going to replace it today, I got SO relieved. Because it's a wear and tear rust damage, and not my fault for careless driving. It's not my car, it's my moms. I have to get a new exhaust pipe, but the blame isn't on me!

I have alot of financial struggles right now, I need to find a way to earn back the lost money I spent. I overspent on my trip, although I do not regret it one bit. I do need to replace the funds. Especially now since the car is costing me extra too.  And it's summer time, and I'm trying to get to know new people. Which generally means: coffee-dates and similar.

The meetup yesterday was both good for me, and draining. There's alot of weirdo's in this environment, and that's okay. I just have to learn to navigate the waters - it's been too long since I've been nerdy with other nerds in real life. There was this one girl who was talking my head off. I couldn't get a word in sideways. Just nodding and smiling as she was telling me all about this thing of hers. She never stopped to ask me stuff, and this is something I struggle with in social situations. I think it is rude when people only talk about them and theirs. It's like they are expecting me to be spectators to their lives. I'm not interessted in that to be honest. Not that I believe what I have to say is important, fun or even worth knowing. But it's more the feeling of being excluded, that we're doing something together rather than me being the usual spectator in other people's lives. Perhaps it's a thing about setting boundaries, or a thing about saying "HELLO! I EXIST TOO! DON'T TAKE ME FOR GRANTED! I AM NOT YOUR PET THAT DOESN'T TALK". 

I also put on one of the garments that I made when I was with the "cult" today. I felt... nothing.  I'm not sure if that means I'm slowly healing from parts of their abuse, or if it means I'm disconnected with my emotions again, or if it means I will have a reaction later today or tomorrow - or when I least expect it and don't understand it. I hope it is the first part. Because although a small group of that environment/lifestyle was abusive, doesn't mean it all is. And the part that isn't, is a part that I still very much enjoy. But I can't participate because... well... cPTSD. I'm too paranoid that they will be there. Too afraid that someone that knows who I am will recognize me and report back.  That somehow, they will find me again and approach me. And I have NO idea how to handle that confronation. there is no doubt in my mind that they will confront me, and no doubt in my mind that I will back down and agree to all that they say and just succumb. And it terrifies me. It gives me a knot in the stomach I can't get rid of.

[Tee]

 

[Deep Blue]

Interesting take on being a spectator for others lives.  I prefer to listen in life than to talk.  When it comes to talking... I mostly talk about my kid or other stuff... I don't feel comfortable talking about myself so much.  I think you make a valid point though! Maybe just steer their convo to things that you are interested in? I dunno...

So you felt nothing when trying on the clothes? How do you feel now? Hugs to you either way   

What kind of dog are you watching? Im a dog nerd 🤓. Hope you are getting some fun and doggie cuddles while you are dog sitting.

[Sceal]

 

Deep Blue,

I don't particularly want to talk about -me-. But I want to be a part of the conversation. Like being allowed to share my thoughts on different subjects. This girl yesterday was talking about some nerdy stuff. I asked her how long she's been doing this thing, and she said two years. She never asked me for how long I've been at it. But the answer is 17 years. I have vastly longer and more massive experience in this than her. I'm not saying I'm better, I'm not. it's not about being better, or being right. It's just about being apart of it.

The dog I'm watching is a dachshound. He is one of a pair, the other one went with my folks to the cabin. Mom knows I'm under the weather and asked if I wanted a dog with me, I said yes.

I need to vent a little again. I will do so in a new post momentarily. I just need to finish this thing first.

[Deep Blue]

Yeah,
Sounds like this girl wouldn't let you get a word in edgewise... either way, it's her loss!  She doesn't know what she's missing.  Your insight could be valuable but people who run their mouths too much miss out on sometimes.

Love ya! 

[Sceal]

Thank you honey!

---
So the late reaction finally hit me.

* Trigger warning*


I was sitting outside, in my parents garden, alone in the sun. Only with the cat and the dog watching over me, wanting cuddles. It was really wonderful to be alone and it being so idyllic and quiet. But then I started feeling all sorts of stuff. I feel annoyance and sadness, and guilt because I can't seem to move on from my ex. I really want to move on, I don't have feelings for him. But he has for me, and we still live together. Although I don't notice on a day-to-day basis, he's never made a move on me since we broke up. But I feel guilty whenever I want to move on, both move out or thinking about dating someone else (Most of the time I can't even stand the thought of physical contact.. but that's not the point.. the point is I should be free to move on without any guilt.) He's not making me feel guilty on purpose. I just feel so much responsibility for him. And it annoys me. It annoys me that it is this way.  This is something that is really keeping me down these days, and why I don't want to go home. I don't want to be faced with it, I don't want to be around him. It makes me so incredible sad. And every time I picture winning the lottery even, I feel so guilty for dreaming about having my own place and moving out. Because what then of him? Will he be able to make it? It is stupid, I know... But logic and rationale doesn't fit in with emotions.

It's not his doing, I suspect these emotions and reactions are an affect of the grooming of previous people and the "cult". I was groomed, twice, by different people, circumstances and time in my life. I'm so angry I didn't spot it the second time, and I'm so disappointed in me. But it took the second time to realize how much damage the first time had actually done to me. I still am discovering this the day today. Despite it being over a decade ago now.

And I feel so angry and sad that it's interfering with days like today. Like beautifully sunny days, where no one is demanding anything of me. Where I am free to do whatever I want, whenever I want. But no. No, flashback has to happen. Physical flashback has to happen. Old memories I keep buried down has to surface, taking away my ability to enjoy the day.

I took the dog for a walk in a nearby museum park. But this part holds so many memories, technically good and fond memories. But they are now memories connected with both my ex and the "cult", so they no longer are good memories. They make me feel like I want to jump into the pond and well... not return.