Sceal's third journal

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal,

the stuff w/ my ex, that i've been struggling w/ recently, has also been old stuff.  so why now?  maybe it's cuz it wasn't dealt w/ at the time, processed totally, kind of shoved down, pushed aside, and we weren't ready to actually get these thoughts/feelings/emotions out till now.  just a thought, but it rang a bell w/ me.  i'm not one to wish someone else harm, either, but, man oh man, the thoughts i've had toward him!  revenge, justice, hatred - all very unlike me, but the past months my mind has been rife w/ this crapola. 

that would make sense to me, too, why you're being irritated, sabotaging your eating, etc.  if you never even talked about what happened, i doubt that you could've gotten your anger out about it thoroughly in the past.  sounds like it's beginning to leak out in other places now.  just a thought.

it's a gritch, tho, i'll grant you that.  so very sorry you're going thru this, sweetie.  it truly sucks.

by the by, just want to contradict you for a moment - i disagree that you are being useless to society.  we are very much part of society, and you continue to find the energy to be supportive here.  i don't find you useless - you're a valuable part of this society.  i know you'll want to bat that away, but i decided to say it anyway.

sending love and a  hug filled with cleansing energy to you.   

[Three Roses]

by the by, just want to contradict you for a moment - i disagree that you are being useless to society.  we are very much part of society, and you continue to find the energy to be supportive here.  i don't find you useless - you're a valuable part of this society.  i know you'll want to bat that away, but i decided to say it anyway.

  👍

[Tee]

by the by, just want to contradict you for a moment - i disagree that you are being useless to society.  we are very much part of society, and you continue to find the energy to be supportive here.  i don't find you useless - you're a valuable part of this society.  i know you'll want to bat that away, but i decided to say it anyway.

  👍

I totally agree with San and 3R you matter and are helpful here to me.

[Not Alone]

by the by, just want to contradict you for a moment - i disagree that you are being useless to society.  we are very much part of society, and you continue to find the energy to be supportive here.  i don't find you useless - you're a valuable part of this society.  i know you'll want to bat that away, but i decided to say it anyway.

Agree! 

[Sceal]

 

[Sceal]

I am slowly starting to wonder.

wonder if I have convinced myself of a truth that isn't.. well, true. When people have asked me what it's like living with my ex, or giving me a look of incrudilty. I've always had to defend my choice "It's not too bad" "we're quite good friends, it works out well for the most part".
But I have a growing resentment within me. I feel trapped. Emotionally and financially.

I don't think he is doing it on purpose, or even is aware that he is playing on my guilt. Or aware that he is playing on the parts of my grooming of people in my past. But it hurts so much to see him sad, it hurts soo much to know I am causing him pain. I am more concerned for his wellbeing when I move out than I am for my own. I can't really afford to rent anywhere else. I will have to move back in with my family - and although we are getting along better now than ever before  - that's not guaranteed to last if I move back in with them. And even then I will not have a free space where I can just.. breathe.
I feel responsible for him. He is leeching off of me, I know. Not financially (not anymore), but practically and emotionally. He says I am the most important person outside of his family to him, and his closest friend. He might be sincere about it, but it puts such an extra amount of pressure on me.
I am not kind to him. The first things I usually say to him when I get home from wherever, or whenever he wakes up is "Hello. Have you done x or z yet?" or "can you do y today? now?"  Probably without greeting him properly with "how's your day been? Anything good? did you sleep well?"  But I am just so.. I dunno.

I WANT TO F*!#)"#¤% LIVE ALONE!
to not have to explain myself to anyone. to be asked how I am every 5 minutes ( I know that sounds awful, there are people who would love for someone to ask them how they are. And I am one of them - it's just... He doesn't want to know. It's a polite phrase.  which forces me to lie all the f!"#¤ time, or tell the truth and say "it's none of your business why I feel like crap" and then have a lengthy conversation about boundaries. I'm just not "#%#¤%& up to that when I feel like crap.)

I don't feel like this is my home. I don't feel like anywhere is my home. Where I am safe.

[sanmagic7]

that sounds like some heavy duty thoughts and considerations, sceal.  something primal, maybe?  fundamental for you? 

when the mr. (thank you, dear) wrote to me, wanting to get back with me, have me in his life, his main reason was that i made him a better person, that he felt better about things when he was able to talk to me, and stated 'call me soon'.  being of a helping personality most of my life, this sort of talk was pulling at that urge of mine to be there for others.  put their needs first, as you mentioned. 

telling you you're the most important person in his life seems very similar to me.  it's a way to pull us back in, to my mind.  however, you're making your wants very clear here - you don't want that pressure of someone's dependence for their well-being hanging on your shoulders anymore.  quite honestly, i don't blame you.  it's a lot of work, time, and energy to pull someone else's weight around along with your own.

if you moved back in w/ your parents, would you be able to save money that way toward finding a place of your own?  i guess that would be ideal if it's a possibility.  i don't know what kind of rent they might charge you, but it sounds like it would be less than you're paying now. 

one thought i keep coming back to in all this type of thing is the idea that we are doing the work, we are battling hard to get to a place of healthy independence.  your ex has seen you do this, i imagine.  has he done any of that kind of work to further his own growth alone, or simply depended on you?  these relationship things are tricky.  i don't mean to be un-compassionate toward him, but he is an adult.  sometimes we have to cut those ties so that they can experience their own adulthood, allow them the privilege of finding their own way.  i don't know.  this stuff is rough emotionally, no matter what the scenario.  please remember, it's ok for you to be your own priority.  first and foremost.  sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity and resolve.

[Three Roses]

I hear you loud and clear when you say you want to live alone and not have boundary crossing conversations that you have to then deal with! 

I don't think he is doing it on purpose, or even is aware that he is playing on my guilt.

But he doesn't have to be doing it on purpose, or be aware of what he's doing, for you to not like it. You're entitled to your feelings without having to justify them.

I just want to say, I hear your anger. 

[Sceal]

if you moved back in w/ your parents, would you be able to save money that way toward finding a place of your own?  i guess that would be ideal if it's a possibility.  i don't know what kind of rent they might charge you, but it sounds like it would be less than you're paying now. 

one thought i keep coming back to in all this type of thing is the idea that we are doing the work, we are battling hard to get to a place of healthy independence.  your ex has seen you do this, i imagine.  has he done any of that kind of work to further his own growth alone, or simply depended on you?  these relationship things are tricky.  i don't mean to be un-compassionate toward him, but he is an adult.  sometimes we have to cut those ties so that they can experience their own adulthood, allow them the privilege of finding their own way.  i don't know.  this stuff is rough emotionally, no matter what the scenario.  please remember, it's ok for you to be your own priority.  first and foremost.  sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity and resolve.

Both yes and no. I would get a larger savings account, but when I move back out on the rent-market it will dissapear very quickly compared to how much I get on wellfare. I intend to move to them after I've applied for disability, or to the cabin. The cabin would give me most alone time, but also it would have no internet and a long way to walk to the store. But it would give me quiet time.

He hasn't seeked help for his issues anywhere. He's too ashamed and doesn't know what to say. But he wont be able to do it any other way. I made him go talk to a nurse when he was back in his home-country and that seemed to help for a little bit. but it's different here. I wish he would tell me he intends to move back. Then I would have less guilt to carry, as it would be his own problem then.

I hear you loud and clear when you say you want to live alone and not have boundary crossing conversations that you have to then deal with! 

I don't think he is doing it on purpose, or even is aware that he is playing on my guilt.

But he doesn't have to be doing it on purpose, or be aware of what he's doing, for you to not like it. You're entitled to your feelings without having to justify them.

I just want to say, I hear your anger. 

Thank you, Three Roses. It was good to be reminded that I'm entitled to my own emotions without actually having to justify them. I feel I have to justify them all the time.

[Sceal]

Yesterday was difficult. Very difficult.

I went to bed 4 times yesterday, I was so exhausted. I don't normally get the kind of depression where I don't get out of bed (I would say that doesn't mean I'm not suffering, or that my depressions aren't deep.), because it physically hurts to lie down so much. Stiff and sore all over today.
But it was impossible to stay awake. It's a little hard today as well, but today I got errands and work to go to, so no choice.

If I had any left over energies I would probably have gone and done some old SH stuff. Just to feel anything else.

It feels as if I have a big boulder pinning me down by my chest. Making it hard to breathe, it's painful.

[Tee]

  I'm sorry here with you Sceal

[Sceal]

Thank you Tee. 


I had an mid-morning appointment at the SA support centre with Mr. T. It helped, it relieved some of the pressure. Lady T is on holiday, but Mr. T, although not a therapist he's more of a social worker, is a big help too. We talked alot about the concept of being "good enough". After that I stayed at the centre for a while, and one of the other social workers whom I haven't seen in months was working today and she sat down with me as I had a cup of coffee and we talked about travelling, the sun, excersises and health. It was very nice. Technically I was supposed to run off to work right after the appointment but I stayed for an extra hour and half to talk to her.  I needed it.
on my way to work I texted an old colleague of mine whom I know have been struggling. I haven't talked to her since April and I thought I'd message her and ask how she was doing. She's still deep in the depression but wanted to meet up for a cup of coffee. I told her I could meet her after work. It was lovely. I got to rant, she got to rant. And then we moved over to nerdy stuff. It was nice.

I'm stressed at work though. Messing up, not really making any headway. it'll be difficult there for the next few weeks/month and a half. Hopefully not longer. I need stability now.

I've decided I'm going to write a letter to my roomie. It'll be a letter where I explain why I need to move. It technically shouldn't be needed, but he is still my friend. Even if I am upset with him at the moment. I need him to see that it is for the better of the both of us to move apart. I would like to keep him in my life as a friend, but I think I would be able to be a better friend to him if I am not forced to see him everyday and pick up his mess on a weekly basis.

I will probably slowly and silently pack away things that I will not need for the next 8 months. Both to make it easier for me in 8ish months, but also to emotionally and mentally prepare myself that this is really happening.

[Not Alone]

I'm glad you had time with some people who were able to listen and that being heard brought a degree of relief from the pain. You are making strong steps to take care of yourself by working on moving out. 

[Sceal]

It hurts alot. Not only because of the frustration he is giving me, or the frustration of living here and not somewhere I love. But because I do miss the good days, that  guy is still in there somewhere underneath all the layers of fear and depression and frustration with me and his life situation. And it hurts giving up on that bit.
It makes me feel sad as well as angry.

It will take a long time before I can actually move. Unless he decides enough is enough, he is moving out sooner.

[Tee]

  bit by bit take the steps you need to take make your life better. That's all you can do. It's hard and frustrating at times.  At least I get very frustrated with myself at how show processing and progress is at times.  But every step is a step.  I try to keep reminding myself that too.  You can do it both at work and home.  Here for Sceal.