Sceal's third journal

[sanmagic7]

  for you - i'm glad work is working out for you, even if it leaves you exhausted.  maybe it's just getting used to it?  at any rate, i hope it keeps up on a positive note.   also hope your body responds to the anti-inflammatory meds.   love and hugs, sweet sceal.

[Sceal]

Roomie got a cold last week, and of course, there's very few things that is as contagious as a cold. So now I got it too. Coughing my throat and lungs sore, and a runny nose. Makes it difficult to sleep, but strangely enough I don't feel depleted of energy though. Thankfully I only had two days of work this week, and that was when I was feeling better, cold wise.

I've been eating crap all week. Monday and Tuesday I was too depleted to think or even bother to cook. Yesterday I had therapy and was out of sorts. So I'll try again today.

Work is imbued with me eventually filing for disability. It's just a matter to figure out how big % of disability. It's not the dream, but it is what is nesseccary for a few years. But that makes work tricky and complicated. I feel I need to know all the answers and have all the knowledge of what I want to do after. I don't want to go into all the details, because it's boring. But it is stressing me out and giving me anxiety attacks. Im not ready for this just yet. I need time. I need things to slow down, because I don't work as fast as society does. I talked to Lady T about this yesterday, about that and the expectations that I set of myself. I feel I need to know the answers before I go into a meeting. Because saying "I don't know" feels weak, and uninspiring. And it's hard and difficult to work with someone who just say "I don't know" all the time. And I don't want to be that person, but I am. Because I don't know.  Lady T says she suspects that I have a vision that I'm setting too low expectations of myself, but that I am infact setting too high expectations. And she recommends I try to find the middle ground. It's not easy.

Talking about Lady T. I was anxious. I hadn't thought about the fact that she's obviously changing office and that I would be in a new office this time around. I didn't like the new office. It was cold, and it was on the street level, with windows out. She did her best to make me comfortable in the new office, it isn't hers. it's borrowed from her previous boss now that she's started her new job. I managed to give her the letter in the end. We didn't have time to talk about it, because we spent most of the time talking about the topic of expectations. Which I didn't know I needed to have. But I did definitively need to have it. When I gave her the letter I was sweating profusely, my legs were twitchy and jumpy, my hands weren't still, and my stomach hurt something mean. I didn't feel much of the emotion of fear, but my body was telling me I was quite afraid. She asked me what I was afraid of. and I don't quite know, I said some of it is still afraid of not being believed. And some is that it's out there now, and I can't take it back. And some because every instinct I have is to avoid, avoid, avoid. She said she believes me. Several times she said she trusts me and she believes me. and that made me cry. I hate that weakness. I think she understood that I wasn't quite able to hear what she was saying, because she kept repeating.

Today I'm thankfully feeling more selfpity due to the cold to have space to feel and think about last night's therapy session.  It sucks it's two weeks til I see her again.

[Deep Blue]

Hang in there Sceal,
I've been sick too. I'm finally starting to come out of it.  It's a lot to deal with in top of anxiety and the change in offices.

Sitting with you in this holding your hand for as long as you need me 

[Sceal]

Thank you Deep Blue,
I'm alot worse today.

[Three Roses]

  Hoping you feel better soon. I'll be thinking of you.

[Deep Blue]

Oh no! I'm sorry you are worse today.  It's probably something you have heard a million times but when you are sick or down, self care is even more important.

Sometimes I think about how easy it is to be hard on myself when others on the forum wouldn't react to me in that way.  It's a tiny way to cut myself some slack. Sending you some tea with lemon and honey.  It's my go to when I'm sick.

[Sceal]

Thank you guys!  A friend of mine suggested I use anti-inflammatory for my runny nose, and you know what. It's definitively helped!
I'm still coughing though, and I do believe i had a slight fever the other day. Or  maybe not exactly a fever, but I think that when my body goes half a degree up than normal i get floored. But I think it was good for me, I think my body worked hard on fighting this cold. I've given it rest so it could work.
I am better again now, but I'm still coughing, and still somewhat weak - in that I can't do alot before I need to rest. It's just a tough nut of a cold. I hope it doesn't continue further down my lungs as it normally does. I am quite easily prone to bronchitis, and I'm allergic to antibiotics. So fingers crossed.

Roomie was treating me poorly yesterday. Grunting and sighing whenever I talked to him, and when I got restless and just wanted someone to talk to he said "I want to be left alone right now", and then not 5 minutes later he was on a skype-call with his online friends. Made me feel quite *. I had cleaned the floor, I had done his laundry and I had even made him pancakes. It left me quite hurt I suppose, and grumpy.  I asked him why he was treating me like this, like a neusance and his answer was "I don't know", I mean, what the...  And I even managed to stand up for myself and said I do not deserve this kind of treatment, I've been nothing but kind to him all day, and if he is grumpy or upset at something then he has no right to take it out on me. I am not at fault.  I demanded an apology, I got one - but he didn't mean it. He just said it so I would shut up.

The dishwasher has broken down, it doesn't take in water. and I'm not sure how to fix it. So I asked roomie to do the dishes. Has he done them? No. Making me quite annoyed tbh. I'm going to leave him a note to remind him to do the dishes and then I'm going to flee to my moms for most of the day. Even if that will be boring as *. Not that it's going to be less boring at home though. I am terrified of these conflicts. Even if I'm annoyed and he pushes me, it also makes me want to get as far away as I possible can and not return.  Lady T would probably say that it's good that I am getting annoyed and good that I told him I didn't deserve to be treated like so. But it doesn't feel very good.
It feels like I am making a mountain out of an anthill. It's small stuff, I know. But it still gets to me. I just had to rant. I'm still sick, and I guess that makes me more vulnerable as well. Although that is a poor excuse, because I know I would have been annoyed even if I wasn't sick.

[Deep Blue]

Rant all you need    when you are sick, all those little things just add up.  Plus the dishwasher sounds really frustrating. 

Hope he starts treating you better.  If you were my roommate and you did my laundry and made me pancakes, you better believe I wouldn't take it for granted!

[Sceal]

Thank you dearest. He was less grumpy the next day. But that didn't really help me, because I was still grumpy. Or I think I was more on edge in case there would be more conflict so I was "already prepared" instead of having my good day ruined.

[Sceal]

coughing less and less everyday! I went to work yesterday, and I felt so energized when I left. Though 30 min later I was floored.
I slept really poorly last night, ended up sleeping on the sofa because the bedroom is too cold. I don't fall asleep in there. I also felt alot of stress of having to fall asleep, because I got work today too, and I need to be rested. Otherwise I'm scr!%!". Might just be thoughts that are stressing me out that I don't need. It is OK if I am tired and exhausted at work. I'm setting too high expectations of myself again.
I am also worried about this week. It's stuff every single day. No sleeping in til the week-end. And roomie isn't working this week either. It's driving me crazy. I need me some alone time at home!

On the plus side, I've lost a little weight. Not alot. Probably less than it is worthy of mentioning. But it gives me hope. I am walking alot more than I have been the past 6 months which is both good and sad at the same time. But I can't change what happened the last 6 months.

Reading the news is triggering these days. They have alot of focus on SA and R* victims, incidents, sentencing and lack there of, and prevention.
It's good that it is up in the media, that there is more awareness around it than ever before. But it makes me not want to open up the newspaper anymore. Yet I feel I should know what's going on. Double edged sword. Cuts deep either way.

[Wattlebird]

Hi sceal good work on the walking, I go thru the same thing, walk consistently for a while then give up for a while, especially if I'm in a funk (depressed), which is when I'm supposed to exercise.
I find alone time super important so sympathise with roomie being around all the time.
I don't watch the news at all, but usually see what's happening on fb.
Good stuff, losing weight, it's such a constant battle and so slow 
You sound like your really making progress, good for u.

[Deep Blue]

Sending you love! Why wouldn't it be worth mentioning that you lost a little weight?  I think it's worth mentioning! I think anything that you put time and effort towards is worth mentioning.   Just sayin... 

[Sceal]

Wattlebird:  I think I am mainly batteling the motivation of why I excersise. I mean I know WHY I should do it. Better health, prevent mental and physical decay, reduce weight, desire to eat more healthier as a side bonus, have more energy. BUT, I keep thinking and wanting to fit in, to belong. And it is such a big social focus in my country. Especially sports or hiking, and then as an adult you should either hike or go to the gym/yoga. It's such a huge social pressure. And more often than not I keep working out and excersising to show them I am not lazy. I can lift just as much as you can, eventhough I'm fat. And then, my inner motivation for doing it for me evaporates. There's no joy, only demands and a feeling of having no choice. And whenever I now feel like I don't have a choice I just can't do it. It reminds me too much of so many times where I didn't have a choice and that wasn't healthy. It's all in my mind, this annoying connection. So I'm working on setting goals for me, that I am okay with. Without having to do it for others, or to prove to someone that "hey, I'm not only lying on the sofa watching telly eating pizza".  But it's so hard, you know? Sounds like you know the pain of the constant battle of the mind here.

Deep Blue: Because yesterday I over ate, and I'm not sure if I actually lost any weight when it all comes to all. 

Journal

Yesterday I almost broke down at work crying. After lunch we had a small voulentary session to do some practice of a particular sort that I tend to enjoy, but haven't had a chance to participate in since I went to school in 2014. But it took everything out of me I think. I didn't feel it at the time. But my back did. And afterwards I just wanted to cry and hide. And sleep and be unconcious. My boss found me and asked if I was okay, I said I was just exhausted. And for the rest of the day I was allowed to sit in the recliner in the lunch-room and just do nothing. I had some classical music on the ears to help me calm down and phase out of the world. I was in that chair for quite a while until I had the energy to go home.  I had texted my misery to Roomie, and he had finished all the dishes, vacuumed, and put a hot waterbottle in my bed - so I could relax and just go rest. I was so grateful I nearly burst into tears then too. I had to eat dinner first though, and then of course - being so exhausted and vulnerable I couldn't stop eating. so I just ate and ate and ate... and fell asleep.

Today when I woke up, I felt like *. Hard to breathe, no will to move. No will to do anything. I managed to drag my * to my GP appointment. She gave me meds and told me to come back when I was feeling well to do the blood tests I was supposed to take today. But due to my cough and general exhaustion she wouldn't let me do the blood tests today. Drove up to mom, was greeted at the door by two very cuddly, needy and happy dogs. A smiling mom with "I'll put on the coffee" and my sister holding out an energy drink to me. So grateful! So very grateful!  My sister dyed my hair, she was like "if I ruin it now, it's on you", I'm now both blonde and brown, like a milder version of Cruella De Ville from the disney movie.  I am very happy with it! Although, I do think I need to cut it a bit shorter, it's growing out on me now.

I'm still scared how I'll manage the next two days. But So far I've survived the 3 days of this week.

[Hope67]

So I'm working on setting goals for me, that I am okay with. Without having to do it for others, or to prove to someone that "hey, I'm not only lying on the sofa watching telly eating pizza". 

So far I've survived the 3 days of this week.

Sounds good, Sceal, and wishing you the best with this.   
Hope 

[Sceal]

Thanks Hope, sadly... It's not working.

The Bad Stuff [Trigger warning: It mentions me being triggered, nothing explicit]

I went to the eating disorder centre yesterday as per my appointment. I was in a great mood before going in, I didn't leave like that.
I've struggled with food for a long-long time. And I am trying to fix it, it's just that it's such a mess and I feel like I'm grasping at straws. I have to make sure I avoid articles about "healthy eating" and "this is so much you should eat", "why this is bad for you", "this is the right kind of excersise" "X went down 40kg in a year - This is how s/he did it!". And all of the other kinds of variety of "well meaning", but mostly confidence-shattering articles. They all make me feel like a total failure. I am failing at one of the most basic things that all living creatures do. Eat. Eat normal. Eat in a way that is good for my body.  I also try to avoid learning about nutrients and what is -actually- good for me. What my body actually need and which has been proven by science again and again and again. Because I get dragged into a rabbithole that I wont get out of.

I try to think of food I should eat. un-oiled salads, lean meat, varied, small meals but often. Fruit and vegetables. The whole thing. The problem just is that... I can't make it work. It feels like I have to be perfect. I have to do the perfect eating, make no mistake. And then there's this girl inside of me who screams "NO! No more force!". Don't force me to just eat one kind of food. Don't force me to eat a certain way, don't deny me all the good things. Don't make me eat things I don't like and make me watch everyone else enjoy their food - whatever it is. It triggers me, it triggers the memories of being held down, the memories of not being allowed, or having to do things a certain way. Even if that wasn't food related at all, and I know. I KNOW that others had it way, way, way worse. I know that people struggle propperly and awfully with food. It takes away their entire life. It's all they think about. In periods (like now), it is all I think about, but I can't enforce anymore what I want. What I think is right, I can't enforce eating less than I should, because the lesser and lesser I eat the better it is. And I am unable to, because at some point I just slip and I consume it all. But then when I talk to "proper" bulimic people or binge-eaters about how much they eat during a binge... I eat nothing in comparison. And I feel like such a "#%" fraud.  I feel so guilty, so shameful. I feel like I'm making it up, and all I need to do is just pull my act together. Just do it. Just don't think about how much it hurts, just do it. Don't think. Don't think, don't think....
And again I get triggered and memories flashes up, and I get nauseous, my stomach cramps. And I get so exhausted. So D"#% exhausted. And I haven't even done anything yet.

I mentioned I walked out of the eating disorder centre feeling awful. She yelled at me. Or more, she was harsh and direct. I said I don't know what to eat for breakfast. She was coming up with suggestions, but my stomach was churning. And All I could think " I can't live like that for the rest of my life", and so I said no. To which she said "If you keep saying no to every suggestion I have, then I wont be bothered to come up with suggestions anymore" in a harsh tone. I could hear her frustration, and I understand it. It is so frustrating to trying to come up with sollutions but none of them are being heard or met that you end up giving up. But all I heard was I am a bother. I'm annoying, I'm awful. I'm a failure. I know it is my PTSD being triggered. By all means, and it's been a long time since I was cornered like that. And what did I do? Nothing. I bent my head, looked away and refused to look at her again. My eyes were tearing up. And I felt ashamed because my body was betraying the emotions I was showing. And I disconnected my heart from my body even further. I was feeling sick, but I had no emotions. My legs where shaking, but I felt nothing except for a fading shame into nothingness. To save face. To not fall apart. Because... I realise now, I don't trust her.
I've always said I like people who are direct, but I think that was a lie. I like people who are honest. But you can say your honest opinions regardless if they are good or bad in a non-harsh way.

I feel like there is no middle way of either saying no, or yes. Or a fake "maybe". When I say no, I'm being difficult. But when I say yes, I feel my integrity falls apart.

I know that there's something else that's going on with me, than food. Obsessing, stressing, worrying, constantly thinking of food and trying to control it is my way of re-directing something over to something more "manageable", except... It's not manageable. I'm freaking out. I'm either eating too little, too much, or I plan on eating less and less and less. Or I'm shaming myself for being hungry. Or I eat so I get bloated all day, and I feel disgusting or I'm constantly hungry no matter what I do.  But I don't know what that "something else" is. I honestly don't know.  Life is great, I mean not great. But I'm in a good period, so why... why the "#¤& am I self-sabotaging?!

The good stuff
Work is great. It really is. I love it. I really do. It exhausts me, completely. I'm done for hours before the end of the day, but they don't mind. They let me be. My boss even told me to go sit in the recliner and do nothing until the end of my day. To recover enough so I would be able to go home. How nice isn't that?