Sceal's third journal

[sanmagic7]

hey, sweetie,  i think a letter is a really good idea.  i've done that on several occasions, and it's helped me a lot to clarify my thoughts, decide what i really want to say, and what my intent is in saying it, as well as what the final goal is that i want to achieve.  best to you with this.  i get it that you know the guy who was good w/ you is still in there.  it's too bad he doesn't want to bring that guy out anymore.

sending love always, sceal, and a hug filled w/ clarity.

[Sceal]

I've started on the letter.
It hurts.
I'm exhausted.

I just want this all to be over with.

[Three Roses]

 

[Deep Blue]

I'm in full support of a letter sweetie.

I had a thought while reading as well.  Maybe you are trying to push him away with not greeting him without asking if he did x y or z? Kind of like when a guy acts all aloof so you break up with him? Just a thought.

At any rate, if you are not happy living with him anymore than I think it's perfectly acceptable to tell him so.  It used to work... doesn't anymore... for your friendship to last you need to not be roommates.

Anyway wishing you love and clarity 

[Tee]

 

[Sceal]

Thanks guys.

I just feel so *. it's 20.00 on a saturday night. it's still bright light outside, and all I can do is feel pity for myself.
I don't want to be awake. But I don't want to keep wasting my life sitting indoors watching * movies I don't care about either.
but I find it hard to have energy to care much for anything these days. it's just pulling through, and trying not to feel to gooddamn awful at the same time without resorting to SH.

Man I wish Lady T was back from holiday. Another three weeks. Might have to write her a letter too.

[Tee]

Hugs I know what you mean I keep hitting bottom I try to stay busy enough I can't but my adrenaline keeps letting me down and and I crash.  I'm sure we can both do it. I'm here for you Sceal.

[Sceal]

Thank you Tee. That is very sweet of you. I am here for you too, although I have very little strength to comment on others journals these days.

That too makes me feel like a terrible person. The fact I'm not able to be there for others anymore.
I have been in worse shape than I am now, and yet still been able to be there more for people.

This depression feels different from the others. There is so much bitterness and the lack of willingness to get out of bed. I only do it because I either hurt physically or I can't stand being at home.
Lady T told me to stay social in her absence this summer so I have asked my support friend out for coffee.
My body feels off. It feels as if I have filled it with merely junk food. Which I have not, not only. I have perhaps eaten too much bread and I had chips yesterday and today which I both regret deeply. Even when I ate it. I don't even know why I bought it.
I feel disgusting both in body and in mind.

I keep feeling like I have no valuable contribution. I can't offer someone a place to stay. To buy them coffee, to drive them to X or y. I can't help out with computer issues or babysitting.
It also hurts me that if I don't reach out to friends, they won't talk to me. I guess I am easily forgettable. Although, I suspect that is not fair on them.
It just would be nice that for every 5 or 10 times I reach out. They would do the same. Too busy with their own lives, and I can't really fault anyone for that. Life is hectic enough already, I don't need to add to it. Or atleast it seems hectic the way healthy people function.

I feel like I am spoiled. I have it far better than people in certain areas of the world. I shouldn't complain. Yet I can't stop feeling so bitter.

[Tee]

  Sceal you're important and valuable to me. It's ok if you can't comment at the moment there's days I can only put up a hug emoji after reading cause I don't know what to say.  Honestly I think I read and comment to know I'm not the only one struggling.  I'm not sure why but it's been a rough month, and honestly I don't see it getting better for me any time soon. However being on here gives me hope that maybe I'll make through my head crap and to the other side. 

I hope you have a better day today,. Maybe go for a walk or something I'll be thinking about you and wishing you the best.

[Deep Blue]

You are valuable to me too Sceal! Lately i have not been reading or commenting on other people's journals but that's ok!

We are all trauma survivors and need to stop beating ourselves up when we don't feel we can respond to others.  We do the best we can ya know 

[Not Alone]

Sceal, I feel sad that you are weighed down by depression and self-condemnation. You are worthy of care and kindness.

[Sceal]

I fled. I couldn't bear roomies company. I couldn't bear my family. So I snuck out to the cabin to rest and think and to cry and carry this heavy burden of guilt around. Alternating between anger, extreme sadness, frustration and doubt.

I wrote him the letter.

Then I went to town to meet up with Mr. T at the support centre. It didn't feel cleansing, it was hard, but he is easy to talk to. He is getting to know me more now. And he thinks it's the right thing to do. To move. For everyone involved.

I met up with a new friend for dinner, and hanging out. It was a nice escape, talking about other things and hearing about her life. Not having to talk about me and my problems. Then I fled up to my childhood home. I wasn't ready to go home and face roomie. He'd been upset with me during a phonecall when I mentioned talking about moving.

I cuddles the dogs, I told my mom my fears. I drank too much coffee. I went on a hike in the forest. I only meant to wander for 20-30 minutes, but it was so captivating... And I ended up lost. I hadn't brought my phone. I had no idea how long I had been gone. But I figured the trails must lead somewhere. And I wasn't so lost that I didn't know which direction was home. But I needed the car I had parked. I slipped and worried I had twisted my ankle. I hadn't, but that is a miracle. Whenever I slip and fall it always ends up with a twisted ankle and 8 to 20weeks on crutches. 2 hours later I found the car.

Went back to mom's and cuddled the dogs.

Got home today. The place was stinking. I opened up all the windows and kept the door open despite it was pouring bathtubs down outside. I did an excersise workout session. Roomie was still sleeping, so I thought I'd make the most of the time. Heart wrenching and scared to when he'd wake up.  I did a round of waterproofing the shoes and started tidying up a bit and then cleaning the floors. A long and desperately needed thing to do. He woke up in the middle of that and we chatted a bit. Did some laundry. And finally got in the shower. Scrubbed and oiled and rinsed and lotioned. I had something to eat and watched an episode of some * TV show. Then I started getting restless. Should I say something? Should I wait? When is it a good time? He noticed I was stressing so I told him I'd written him a letter so then he got nervous. I gave it to him and I started cleaning the kitchen while he read fighting back the tears.

He didn't yell.
He didn't get angry.

I cried and cried and cried. I tried to be strong. My eyes are red and poofy now. Bloodshot. He got worried and ended up putting me to bed.

I am so worn. And all I feel now is doubt and sadness.

Am I doing the right thing?

Today I witnessed the guy that I have missed for so long. Today he was the guy I first fell for. He is still in there somewhere, and that hurts so much. I am hurting him.
I am causing him so much pain.
He still loves me. But he doesn't know if he can still be my friend after we move.

What if I am making the biggest mistake of my life? I don't know what is up or down anymore

[Not Alone]

I'm sorry it is so incredibly hard for you right now. People aren't black and white. He showed you his tender side. From what you've written, that is a true side to him. Also, there are reasons that you decided that it was healthier for you to move out. Those reasons still exists. Not black and white, which makes it hard. Trust your decision. It wasn't made on a whim.

[Sceal]

He said the same, that it will be the best for my health. He knows that. I knows that.
But.. I can't explain it properly.

[Tee]

Hugs Sceal  you can do this healing is hard and making healthy choices don't always seem right at the time. You will make it through and come out stronger than ever. I sent a picture of a card I saw today that it took a picture of and I think it totally applies.  You should be able to see it when the moderators ok it. Hugs