Sceal's third journal

[Jazzy]

Its a really tough thing to deal with Sceal. I had a * of a time with my disability papers. Some of the things they put in those reports are extremely negative, but probably exaggerated, and likely won't last forever. Hoping it all goes smoothly, and you can get through this soon. Take care!

[Sceal]

Thank you both.

I am well known about the "language" of medical rapports and journal rapports. I worked within the healthcare system for some years and I wrote enough of them myself. I didn't treat patients per say, but I dealt with them and had to put that on record. So I also read a bunch of them. But back then... It was a weekly thing, it was easier to read what the "language" really said. And it so differes depending on who wrote it and who didn't, how well they could phrase themselves.
Logically I know this is just how it has to be.

But emotionally, which sits deeper than my logic.. It just hurts. It underlines everything I've always told myself, and it sucks. I thought I had accepted the fact that disability is what I have to do (for a few years), to be able to breathe a little. To feel like I'm in control, and not under the thumb of someone else out there. Above me, who I've never met. Where I live I don't have to have health insurance. Almost no one has one. Health insurance is something that will give you more money should you ever go on disability later in life: and so basically you need to have your parents get that insurance for you. Because if you get sick young, you wont be eligible. Like I wont be. But it doesn't really matter. Because the social system in which I live in is fairly strong, although the politician keeps cutting funds from the weakest groups. Very much like the Sheriff of Nottingham. It's only too bad that even if there were a Robin Hood, he or she wouldn't be able to actually stop the Sheriffs of today. It breaks my heart.

[sanmagic7]

i agree, the entire system is heartbreaking, and difficult to deal with.  i'm just sorry you're having to go thru this, see and hear the words.  sending love and a hug filled w/ compassion, sweetie.

[Three Roses]

💔

[Sceal]

I am trying to focus on other things. Better things.
But, it's there in the background. I feel split in two. A part of mine is disconnected from that world and is hiding in my friendships and in books and games and stories. And I am seriously thinking that I am escaping mentally. I can't escape from the situation I am in, I can't run away. So the only option left for me is to focus all my energy on my hobbies. Question I am wondering.. is it a healthy escape. Or not? And would I even know the true answer to that?

I am also focusing too much energy on one person. I want to impress this person, I want to be close. But I can't. It's not within my rights. This person is married. This is not okay for me, these feelings I am having. I am not even sure if it is romantically or if it is just... That I need this persons strange, magical friendship at a deeper level. I keep feeling like I am bothering this person a bit too much and that I should keep my distance. Yet I can't remember if I did that before I got like this..

[Jazzy]

Wow Sceal, that really connects. Some deep questions for sure, I hope you find some answers that you are at peace with.

[Sceal]

Thanks Jazzy. I intended to bring this up during my meeting with Mr. T today. But I forgot. This is a new thing. Or not really new-new.. but more it's been a while since I used to forget so much. I forget words more and more, and I forget things I was planning on saying and doing. I am scared of early onset Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's have always been my biggest fear amongst diseases. I don't want to get stuck in my past. This is probably an overreaction.

I went hiking last Friday after having a phonecall with Lady T. I was alone amongst the trees, river and mountains. I love that particular area, but unfortunately I ended up in a full blown panic attack. I haven't had a panic attack in a while, and then I usually find them worse to deal with. I had a passing thought of "what if the house burnt down and it was my fault?!" I couldn't let it go. I ran back down to the car and speed home and all the while imagining finding buttloads of firetrucks dowsing a fire where I live. And then my roomie would be homeless and so would my landlords. And it would have been my fault.  This didn't happen though. The stove was turned off and so was the radiator. Everything was just fine.  But it left me exhausted and nervous to leave the apartment for the next few days. Today is the first time I would leave the house other than going to the store. But it still makes me a little nervous.

[sanmagic7]

dear sceal, so very sorry you're going thru this.  i, too, have bouts of memory loss and it is frightening to think that my brain might be deteriorating.  when i think of it, i'm able to tell myself that there is so much in there, it's tough to keep track of it all,      and also that as i keep working to heal, my mind is getting changed over and over as well.   i hope that's what's happening anyway.

unfortunately, i don't always remember to think about those aspects, and just get frightened, like you.  here's to having faith that we are going thru a rough patch in our journey, and our brains are dealing w/ it as best they can.    love and hugs, sceal.

[Sceal]

I am now scared that it is vitamin B1 deficiency. After the surgery uptake of things might be changed. If it is thus, I hope I've caught it early enough to reverse it.

I am also now on a tryout session for martial arts. * was I thinking? I'm so scared I am nauseous. But I am also damned pleased with myself that I managed to actually walk through the door.
I know absolutely nothing about this kind of workouts. None. I don't know what to expect other than getting it all wrong and being exhausted afterwards. I hope it will be fun. I hope it will give me a sense of accomplishment.

[Sceal]

Right now I feel like I can take on ANYTHING!
I feel so incredibly GREAT!

Going to this workout.. I can't describe to you how incredible important this was! And I didn't even know it.
The reason why I wanted to try it out was because I was fed up feeling weak. I was recently triggered by seeing someone from the cult. And I thought it was time I made my body strong enough so I could throw a punch if I need to defend myself again, but more than that I wanted to feel strong in my body. So I thought I would try something new! This is a few weeks ago.

But today I went. I had no more excuses.
I was scared like I said. But I was laughing the entire time. It was GREAT!
I will feel like a physical wreck Tomorrow. I can already feel it.
But holy 2-$52&@(
The sense of accomplishment I feel right now I wish I could share with all of you!

[sanmagic7]

i'm so proud of you, sweetie!     way to go! i hope you're enjoying that feeling while you can.  what a great thing for you to experience!  love and hugs 

[Three Roses]

Right now I feel like I can take on ANYTHING!
I feel so incredibly GREAT!

So happy for you!

[Sceal]

I spent all my mental and physical energy yesterday.
I'm still proud of myself for doing it, and I will go back next monday. I hope. I have to overcome the fear again then too.

Today I've been all drained. I got to work, but I lasted only 2 hours before I got home again. Been on and off again napping. Been eating way too much, and not smart choices either. I am sore all over, not the usual kind of sore after a workout, different. They say tomorrow will be worse, musclewise.

I'm dreading the rest of the week. I don't really have any downtime. Alonetime. And I know I need it. I'm not sure where to get it from

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I hope you will manage to get through this week - I know you've not got any downtime, and that's very tough, and I just hope that some opportunities to have some sense of downtime can push their way through for you - because you deserve them, in my opinion, and I want to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
You are understandably drained, after facing things and using up mental and physical energy - hope you're ok.
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

im sorry you are so tired, hopefully you get some downtime unexpectedly or you recover quicker than expected