Sceal's third journal

[Jazzy]

Sorry you had such a rough night, and are missing being held. I think if that was more common for us, it would make a world of difference. I hope you feel better soon. Good job on the socializing and work. Take care!

[Sceal]

Thanks everyone.
It's been an unusually sunny week-end. But i've spent it for most parts inside due to my asthma... and my laziness.
I've recovered somewhat, enough anyway to go out and about today. Or, when I think about it, I just want to crawle right back into my bed and hide.

Seeing Mr. T today. Then I might go to work. Then I got boxing. I might just go home after Mr. T, and relax until Boxing. Or I'll go to work and finish the work that's stressing me, so I can finally let it go.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal, whatever you decide to do, and whichever way you decide to do it, i have no doubt it'll be the best way for you.  i support you all the way with your decisions.

hope your time w/ mr. t went well, and i do hope you are soon able to finish whatever's stressing you.  sending love and a hug filled w/ all the best on getting things done.

[Sceal]

Thank you San!

I got a message from the support centre when I was waiting for the bus that Mr. T had to cancel. I was already on my way anyway, and needed to go to town for work later.. so I dropped by to grab a coffee. Turns out alot of roads were closed this morning due to accidents and "surprise" cold weather (it's not a surprise.. it's winter, and it's been cold for a week). But he came into the centre 30 min after our original appointment. He wasn't staying, he was on his way to his GP due to an arm injury. I said it was fine, I was on my way when I got the message.

I dropped by the library and the art supply store omw to work. It's on the way, so.. When I got to work I got there during lunch hour. I thought I'd eat lunch with everyone, but there was so many people I  just fled into my shared office room. Riddled with anxiety. I was left alone for most part, but then one of the supervisors wanted to ask me a question and I freaked out. I ended up on sitting on the floor, curled up together. She tried to calm me down and help me through what was causing my anxiety. I was sick to my stomach for hours later. It wasn't until everyone left the office I was able to actually get some work done. There was only the supervisors and the boss left after 3, and so it was quiet. It was good. I could calm down. I ended up staying at work until 18. I intended to rest my eyes in the comfy chair before going to the boxing, but I didn't have time for that. I was so physically drained when I got to the boxing gym.  I couldn't really concentrate, and I was up against someone much stronger than me. I got one kick * workout done, and she probably not at all. I feel guilty about that.  But also proud that I managed to go despite being tired. I didn't think too hard about what I wanted to do. if I wanted to go to bed or not.

[sanmagic7]

  on making it to boxing.  and, your opponent will get her own mighty workout some other day, i don't doubt. 

sorry your anxiety took over at work, but i'm glad you were able to get thru it.  in the end, that's what counts, right?  we may be messy on the way, but getting to the end of it intact is the goal, i think.  i've been very messy these past 2 mos., so that's my frame of reference.  still not quite all the way back, but eventually.

keep hangin' tough, sweetie.  love and hugs

[Sceal]

I don't feel like I am intact. It doesn't feel like I am going to be intact anytime soon.

People doesn't listen when I say I don't function. They just start questioning me "what is functioning anyway? You show up".  They see what they want to see. Maybe I do too...? But I don't see it as functioning when you end up sitting on the floor falling asleep at work or hide out in the bathroom because you're scared. Going to bed when I get home because I can't do anything. Being on the verge of crying all the time.  Feeling like SH just to get through the day.
Is this what functioning is?

They also don't listen when I say I don't have any capacity left over. They keep asking me the same questions over and over again. I feel I have to say yes to work more. I know I won't be able to. Then they go "just 2 hours". It's not just 2 hours. 2hours equal minimum 4 due to travel time. I don't have the brainpower to deal with these questions. I told them I'm in an anxiety filled period. But they don't listen. I suspect they won't unless I have a freak out. And if I do that. I won't be able to show my face here anymore.

I. Am. Not. Strong. Enough.

[Three Roses]

All I can say is I hear you, and I'm so sorry things are so rough for you rn.  keep posting 

[Not Alone]

 

[Perplex]

I understand the feeling, Sceal. People hardly look deeply into what we're experiencing to truly understand what we go through. But we don't want to make a scene either to get their attention. It's a horrible balance between wanting to be heard but not wanting to cause a fuss.

[Sceal]

Thank you all for your support..for listening to me and responding to me. I feel quite bad that I haven't been able to really respond to other people's journals and threads the past few months.

I notice I require downtime. Quiet time. But.. I don't get it. I could take it. But it stresses me out. I think I don't want to deal with the thoughts and emotions that comes with it. So instead I am racing head first into the wall.

I keep putting things on my calendar. I am overwhelmed. And I don't want to.  I am terrified of next week. I know it will be fine. Or maybe not fine, but I will manage. I know this. But it's overwhelming anyway.

[Jazzy]

Sorry you're in a rough spot Sceal. We all need our down time though, so don't worry about that. You can do next week; I believe in you. Keep breathing. Take care!

[Sceal]

Thanks Jazzy  I go up and down in if I believe this to be true or not.

My birthday is next week. I wish I could say I expect nothing. But I expect to be let majorly down. To be a boring afterthought. It makes me sad.

I also am in the middle of an EF that wont let go. I wanted to share an idea with two people I thought would like and understand the concept. instead they got confused and sort of bulldozed me with their expanding ideas. Some of them were good, by all means. But I really just wanted a yes/no answer to if they would think it'd be interessting. Not be told how to do it. I got a little snippy, because I felt patronized.  The one person said "... I have been reading about these kinds of projects and listened to podcasts for years and years " To which I replied (although I knew the answer was no) "Have you ever done a project like this?". I felt so overwhelmed at this point, I didn't know how to tell them that I felt looked down upon and that I felt they were telling me I needed to do a better job off of it, and that I felt that they wanted me to do it their way. And then I felt super bad about saying that question. Because I already knew the answer, and it was a little like pouring salt into an open wound. I've had the chance to do these kinds of projects for 15+ years. I felt * about being mean. And I did apologize about being harsh. But it didn't go very well from thereon out. Not really all out hostility, but I felt like they were ganging up on me. They might really just have been super confused, a little hurt, and uncertain what I was asking. And they really might not have understood that I was feeling really * about being patronized and feeling like I had to exceeed expectations on something that's a hobby.  It basically just triggered my EF.
I tried to end the conversation. And in the end I just... stopped replying. I walked away.
And now I don't dare to interact with them. Everytime I think about this today I start getting both scared, overwhelmed and annoyed. And I can't snap out of it.

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry things are rough at the moment. EFs are horrid. Sending you strength, and a hug if that helps.

[Sceal]

 

[Not Alone]

Can dealing with the situation with the two people wait until after you are through this EF? It is hard to deal with anything in the middle of an EF, but especially difficult to deal with people with whom you are upset.