Sceal's third journal

[Hope67]

Dear Sceal, Firstly, I am glad to hear that work is going well - that you're enjoying it, and that your boss is supportive too - that sounds really good.
I am sorry to hear how your eating disorder meeting went - but I wanted to say that you wrote about everything with such incredible insight - I think you really did - and I am feeling angry with the person running your session - that she had harshness in her voice - it isn't fair that you experienced that.  I really wanted to give you a supportive word - a hug of comfort - if that feels ok (whatever might help you at this time - I wish that for you).  I think you were brave to attend a group like that - and honestly, hearing the reply that the woman gave - it does sound very harsh, the way she said it.
I read everything you said - and I just wanted to offer you a friendly word of support - I hope you can find a way to get through this trigger.

Hope 

[Sceal]

Thank you Hope, for all your kindness and for the hug. I definitely need it today. Brings tears to my eyes reading your reply. Thank you so much

[Wattlebird]

Hi sceal, I'm really happy you love your work, one thing I always remember from the bible ( if u don't mind me using b quotes) it is " to be content with your work is a blessing"  so true 
I'm sorry about your struggle with food, it's like an addiction, the problem is with most addictions they say never touch it again, as it's so hard to put something in control after it's been an addiction, I sympathise that with food this is impossible. (To cut out completely ) I've had addictions and I am quite sure It would have been very very difficult to control them with moderation.
Like hope says I think you are very insightful with what you say and your reasoning. Big hugs   

[Deep Blue]

Sweetie,
I want you to know that I read every word.  I'm sorry you are hurting friend.  When someone tells me not to think about something... or to "let it go" I do the opposite. It's too hard. It ends up consuming me.

She shouldn't have spoken to you in that tone.  I am a brat! I mean it! I am such a BRAT to my T, but she is still gentle with me.  You were triggered and that's ok.  You realize it, and that's even better. Kudos to you for writing it out honey.  Maybe you can share it with Lady T when you see her next?

I just want you to know that I'm holding your hand and think your emotions are ALL VALID. 

Wishing you some peace 

[Sceal]

The girl at the eating disorder centre is not a therapist, I should perhaps have clarified that. She is a nurse, but she's been through her own eating disorder. It's part of the requirement to work there, that you have gone through it and know what it can feel like.

I've not had any addictions, so I don't know what that is like. Even when I was a smoker I could quit on the day if I wanted to. And I'd start up again whenever I'd be admitted to the psych.ward to just get a break from everything, not because I needed the nicotine. Science have shown that there are some genes that are activated on those who suffer from addiction, I suspect those genes aren't activated in me. There's also something in the research about passing that gene through generations, but I don't quite remember it all, it's been so long since I was reading about it. But about cutting out food, the unhealthy ones, is still triggering for me - not because I particularly like the unhealthy food, but it's more then it is denied me. And the rebellious part of me goes "Why am I not allowed the same things everyone else seems to be allowed?", it has no rhyme or reason too it. It's a childish reaction, and I suspect it's from a part of me who's been awokened in the past few years.
The food thing is complicated, because it is not just -one- thing. It's the thing I just said, but it's also my only way of self-harm. It is my way of self-protection (because... if I am super ugly and revulting, then maybe.. maybe I will never be r* again...?). It's a coping mechanism when my heart and body is sending me signals I don't know how to interpret and therefor doesn't know how to deal with...

Thank you all for thinking me insightful, but I'm not sure that is helping me these days... My friend says that now that is finally feeling good in his body he is also eating better, and he feels better and it just becomes more natural for him. And I told him, I am very happy to hear that. I avoided saying that "I wish it would work for me too, I wish it would last. But I know I go in cycles..."

I could bring this up with Lady T, I am actually seeing her this week. I'm not sure though, we last ended the session on one of my trauma. And her telling me she trusts me and she believes in me - which of course made me cry. I feel, that although I need to take this up, the food bit, that it would be me avoiding to continue the topic at hand. I just don't know what to say. Perhaps I'll just tell her that.

Someone close to me told me she bought a home today with her partner. I am happy for her, they've really needed a better place to live and a place where she can let the dog out in the garden for just 5 minutes once in a while. But I am also jealous, She knows of course, I'm jealous because she didn't have to wait so long as I have in order to get a home. I'm jealous because I long for it so da*!"# much, and have for years. But I don't see how I'll ever get one.
I'm all sad now, I suppose I should go to bed and just allow myself to be sad for a while. She's not blaming me, and she will try not to rub it in my face too much. But I will gladly help her move, and I've told her I'll paint her something for her new home. I hope she'll be happy there. She deserves some peace of mind.

[Hope67]

Dear Sceal, You also deserve some peace of mind too - sending you a kind hug     
Hope 

[Sceal]

I feel like an utter failure. And it feels like it is all my fault.
I am so exhausted these days making appointment with friends and family isn't something I look forward to. I see it more as a must, but not something I want to. Because I am not really good company now, and people don't quite understand why I'm so tired. And I don't feel like I should have to explain. I know why I'm worn out, it should be enough for them too. Can't they just ask me instead if there's something they could do to help?  Not that I would say "yes, I could really need help with A or B", but it would be so much nicer than to be condemned for my exhaustion. After all I only work two days a week, why should I be so exhausted 2 days later or more? They don't understand. And man do I envy them. I envy them not understanding what it's like. I wish I didn't know how it's like.

And then I feel guilty, because there are people who went through so much worse than what I've been through. And I'm just complaining. I must be such a weak human being. Why can't I be stronger?

My dreams are all shattered. All of them. It's not feasable that any of them will ever come to frutition, even if I keep working towards them. They wont happen. I wonder if I will be better off if I just accept that, accept that I will never be able to own a home and call it mine, and decorate, re-paint, shut the door invite who I want when I want and close the door on those I want. A place where I can feel utterly safe.
I feel crushed. I can't stop crying.

[Trigger Warning]
I was completly unprepared for Lady T yesterday, I've been so exhausted I haven't been able to consider what to bring up in therapy, or what topics I should focus on. I felt most of the first half of the session I was just...I don't know.. I disconnected my emotions yesterday, and most of the time I think (except for now that I feel so vulnerable, shattered and sad) but my body is busy sending me signals ALL the bloody time, so I know something is up. They've taught me to notice those signs by now, the only problem is I can't actually read them. So I don't know what they mean. Lady T and I came upon the topic of "who's to blame" or who I blame for my SA and R*. I largely blame me. If only I'd gotten out sooner. If only I'd seen the patterns and avoided them all together. I should have known better. Yet I did nothing. I deserved the pain I got, so why am I crying about it now? We talked about the pattern that I've accumulated; The pattern that occurs over and over again. Where I bend over backwards to please others, to avoid conflict, to not set boundaries that are good for me, so that things doesn't get dangerous, scary or devellop into a conflict. I keep saying yes and do what is best for everyone else, regardless of my own integrity. Tbh, I don't think there's much left of it. If it even exists at all. Lady T asked me if I want it like this, if this is one of the values I'd like to live by. My no came quite quickly. I have two weeks until next session where I have to do some work, figure out what that no means, figure out what values do I want to live by, and then we can further investigate how I can start living by those values - and maybe that will help me to slowly leave the blaming-myself for everything that goes wrong  behind me.
But I'm scared of the work alone, because I'm so exhausted. I'm scared I wont be able to work on it, I'm scared I will come empty handed to Lady T in two weeks.

[Deep Blue]

Hey Sweetie,
You are not truly alone.  We are here to help and support you as you sort it out. 

I heard you say the same things I've said to myself. I deserved the abuse. I should have gotten out sooner.  It's my fault I still suffer from what happened then.  I know that's part of the cptsd though.  You'd never say that about me. So why is it so easy for us to say that to ourselves?

[Wattlebird]

Hi sceal,
I know you really don't know me and I live in a completely different country but I really have come to care about you, I see you as brave and strong, talking about and trying to resolve your cptsd, so many people are to afraid to even face up to it, I was for 30+ years but you continually try to address it, you will make progress, I truly believe in you, I know life feels crappy now, I'm so sorry you feel so low.
I'm going to send some big hugs, they are full of love and comfort, just for you my friend

[Three Roses]

I keep saying yes and do what is best for everyone else, regardless of my own integrity. Tbh, I don't think there's much left of it. If it even exists at all.

I believe in your integrity. It's there.

You're not alone in any of the things you feel, and you are heard when you say that you are exhausted. You are heard and valued here. I hope you find some rest today, a mini-vacation from all the work you've been doing. It's hard.

[Sceal]

Thank you all for your thoughts and support. I'll reply you better tomorrow. Right now I need to ramble.

Went to see Lady L today. I need her and I am very grateful to her. I think it was quite apparent to everyone today I wasn't feeling quite well. I withdrew away from folks and conversation. I don't quite know what I feel, or I can't quite put words to it.
I mean I am doing well. I got a job placement that I love. I am just so tired. I am even tired of saying I am tired. Lady L said it's normal to be tired the first month of a new job. So much to process and so many new good impressions to make. And she said "if I know you right, you don't stop thinking about it, or stop planning how to be better, what to change, what new project to work on next and so on when you come home. You don't get a break, or relax because your mind keeps buzzing." Nearly made me cry when she said that. It was nice knowing that someone knows me enough to see that part.

We talked about conflict too. Why I am so afraid of it. And I don't know. I've not been a subject to PA. It shouldn't worry me so much, and I feel quite useless when I can't explain why it is that conflicts make me so scared. But they do. And I don't know what to do about it....

I think about the coming week and I want to cry. I just want to stop being so useless and exhausted. 

[Sceal]

Dear Deep Blue,

You'd never say that about me. So why is it so easy for us to say that to ourselves?

You're right, I would never say that about you. As for why it's so easy to say it to ourselves - I think it's because we know our innermost thougths, emotions and all the details of what happened to us and the roles we played. And then we put alot of the blame on ourselves, simply because... it's easier to deal with, not because it's true. But the truth get muddled because we're not objective.  That's atleast my current thoughts, they might change.

Wattlebird,

but I really have come to care about you, I see you as brave and strong, talking about and trying to resolve your cptsd, so many people are to afraid to even face up to it

Thank you for these words, I've carried them with me the last few days. They've meant alot to me. Thank you.

Three Roses,

I believe in your integrity. It's there.

Thank you for believing in me. I hope you're right.

I talked alot about boundaries today with my friend, and I even told my mom I'm still terrified of conflict and angry people. She told me (again) I've been like that as a child. I tried to ask her if it just suddenly happen, or gradually, or it was always. She said I'd always been like that. She could never yell to get my attention, as in if she was in the kitchen and it was dinner and wanted me to come in from the livingroom or upstairs, I would start crying and ask why she was so angry. I don't remember this, I was too young. I've never been scared of my parents or my family, so I don't know where this came from. I don't think it was some unknown trauma, I think it's just me not wanting people to hurt. And when people are angry they are hurting. Anyway, I told her today I still struggle with this, and that I feel I try to please everyone else all the time and I don't feel so good about it on the inside. It was difficult to make her hear me, but I think she did in the end. She told me I can practice on her and my sister. I told her she's scary to practice on and then we laughed about it.
She was quite loud and aggressive today, and it was hard to deal with, but she was in a good mood at the same time. So it was sort of conflicting emotions bouncing off of her, and it was tricky for me to figure that whole thing out. But we had dinner, and we sat around the table and we talked about various things. Me, my dad and mom. It was the most talkative, joking and teasing dinner we've had in years. It was quite nice. And neither of them vanished the moment the meal was over. Which was also surprising. Dad went to watch the news, but he came back - which is also very unusual. But it was nice. Even if tiresome.

I'm wondering if I should write a letter to Lady S, I'll write it in the letters not to send section. And I'll figure out it if I want to translate it back to my language and eventually send it off to her. Or if it is enough for me to just write it out.

[Sceal]

This week I haven't been as tired as I have been in all of January. But I've been having these blinding headaches instead. Not sure I'd like to qualify that as an improvement.

I am still very much enjoying time at work. But I do think I need to be more mindful of the expectations I set to myself.
I've been eating poorly lately, I've also been on my period which gave me cravings on top of being worn out and not having much of a defence system left. I don't regret it so much, but I am worried about how I willl cope after the surgery when I can't just eat a bag of crisps or a bowl of pasta.
Money has been low lately, and that has also affected the food choices. Low money on food = not healthy food.

[TRIGGER WARNING: SA and R]
I'm back at having flashbacks. I installed tinder on my phone, without intending on swiping yes to any of them. I just got curious. And now I'm full of flashbacks. I don't know how to be intimate with anyone ever again, and this is really struggling with me. Others who have been R* and/or SA seems to be able to build relationships, have children, have sex. I just.. I can't bear the thought of it. And I don't know how to undo that bit.
I think perhaps I might be weaker than most, it was bad sure. but it wasn't as bad as many others have it. It was never voilent, it never needed to be, because I kept fawning or freezing. I just couldn't stand up for myself, I thought I had no right to. So why should I? It didn't matter what I wanted anyway.
But.. what if I had tried to stand up for myself, properly. Fight them. Maybe I would have gotten out sooner.
I try to avoid thinking in these lines, because I can't change anything. It only adds to my pain, shame and guilt.

[Wattlebird]

Hi sceal
Your not weaker, you are unique, everyone is different, have different upbringings, different everything, and different struggles, I struggle with things you probably don't and are extremely phobic of things you probably aren't, like singing, a have to immediately leave a room with someone singing, this sounds rediculous even to me but I am not weaker than you just traumatised in differing ways, please don't think of yourself as weak, you are strong and brave remember 

[Three Roses]

you just traumatised in differing ways, please don't think of yourself as weak, you are strong and brave remember