Sceal's third journal

[Snowdrop]

But why the panic attacks now, now that some of it is soon coming to an end?

I know that I can often cope with things at the time that they're happening in order to get through it, but as soon as there's a bit of space, it hits me and I collapse in some way. I don't know if you might be experiencing something similar? It's just a thought.

[sanmagic7]

i've done the same as snowdrop is describing - can hold it together while all the 'stuff' is going on, but when it's basically over and i have time to breathe, that's when i'll get hit with the exhaustion, anxiety, sometimes even getting physically ill.  i think it's part of our survival mechanism - we've got to get thru all the events, can't afford to collapse (whatever form that might take) until everything's basically over.  that's happened to me too many times to recall.

sending love and hugs, sceal.

[Sceal]

That is a very good point. Maybe you're right. That would explain alot of things in the past I think.

---
They said on the news now that "We now live in uncertain times. And us people don't deal well with our lives being uncertain", and in my quiet mind I thought " Some of us live with uncertainty every single day, and think those of us who have felt that on our bodies and mind for an extended period of time will deal better with the uncertainty with corona now", I suppose that is a silver lining for dealing with trauma-consequences such as paranoia. You get used to be in survival mode. It's not a good thing, generally.. It's just food for thought really.

I am not stressed about being sick, everyone else is stressed about me getting sick. I think I'm too used to being sick in one form or another that it doesn't worry me. It sucks, but it doesn't worry me. Perhaps it should? It seems though that I have caught the Covid-19 virus. I just hope that I wont have long-lasting effects on my lungs after this. I suspect I was even more receptive to it due to the exhaustion levels I've had the last few weeks.

[Snowdrop]

Stay safe, Sceal, and take care of yourself. Sending love and hugs.

[Sceal]

Thank you! You too Snowdrop 

[Not Alone]

Take care of yourself, Sceal. I think this hug is safe! 

[Snowdrop]

I was just thinking of you, Sceal, so I thought I'd send you a and a .

[Sceal]

Aww! Thank you!  Online hugs are definitively safe

--
I'm still cooped up in the house with my parents. 11 days left to go before I can visit the outside world. I am trying to keep myself busy with reading, or drawing, or playing some games. Cuddling the dogs. My lungs aren't good enough to work out, which kind of sucks because I could really need to get rid of some nervous and stressful energies. Can't even dance around, because I just end up breathless before I've even started. I have some sort of air-way infection. Whether or not it is corona is hard to know. My symptoms are diffuse, just like any corona symptom. My GP says it's highly likely, but I wont be tested unless I take a turn for the worse.
I didn't think I'd miss going to the shop, but I do. Not that I actually *need* anything, hopefully it'll pass in a few days. Like sugar withdrawal. It's painful at first, then it gets better. And suddenly it's a new habit.
That's the hope anyway.

The good thing for me is that I don't actually have to deal with anything. I can't deal with anyone or anything, because I'm stuck in this quarantine. Which is good for my fatigue, and it's good for my stress levels. Because I have accepted that I can't actually do anything about anything right now. I know alot of people feel even more stressed and panicky due to the new uncertain world we live in. But I have lived in such uncertain times for so long, this is just my normal. Although, I suspect if I get one more unforseeable thing put on me I'll probably burst and crack like everyone else is doing.
I'm not British, but their war-time saying of "Keep Calm and Carry On" seems to be fitting these days. Just do the best one can do to wait this thing out. Meanwhile there is internet, there are books, there are TV.

Hopefully this wont last all year through. I mean, with quarantines and everything closed. That things will halt and limp for a while is one thing, but everything being very closed is something else entirely.

[Hope67]

Dear Sceal,
Sending you a hug as well  and glad you're safe. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal, so sorry you're sick right now.  i'm in self-isolation - not sick, but also not going anywhere except for walks.  it is weird, tho, to hear less traffic and such.  even my t appts. are over the phone now. it's just what we gotta do till this calms down.  i'm just glad you're taking care of yourself, but i truly can understand you missing your workouts.  hopefully, soon.  hang tough, ok?  love and hugs filled with healing energy.

[Sceal]

A family member was supposed to come by tomorrow with groceries. We have plenty of food, but I really wanted my chips and chocolate. And I got irrationality upset when I was told it's going to be delayed a day.
I have been doing well with keeping calm and not worrying so much. Or stressing so much. But maybe that was on the surface. Because now I am still upset and I got the news hours ago.
It's not that I need the candy. It was more that it was going to be a break in the day. Something different. Something to look forward to. And now it's postponed.
I feel stupid.

[Snowdrop]

It's not stupid at all, Sceal. You're not stupid. I've been self-isolating with my husband over the past week because I had symptoms (minor ones and I'm ok now), and I get the impact of not getting something you were looking forward to.

I tend to look at it as though everybody has their own bucket that fills up with stress. The more stress, the more the bucket fills up, and the more likely it is that stuff will slop over the top. Those of us who have experienced trauma have lots of things in our stress bucket already, so it becomes full quicker. I think the groceries being delayed added to your stress bucket, so feeling upset slopped out.

I hope this makes sense!

Be gentle with yourself, Sceal, and take care. I'm thinking of you, and sending love and big hugs your way.

[Three Roses]

I like that bucket analogy! 

[Not Alone]

And I got irrationality upset when I was told it's going to be delayed a day. . . . I feel stupid.

I have come to realize that when I feel like a two year old who wants to have a temper tantrum over someone finishing a food I wanted or something minor, that there is something else going on. Maybe I'm in a triggered state (EF) or maybe just really stressed. Your upset has a reason, probably beyond the delay, and your feelings are okay and not stupid.

[Sceal]

Thank you all for your support. I've been re-reading your comments the last few days.
I think for most of the time I bottle up what I'm feeling, and it becomes a non-issue. Until days like today where I feel like everything I do is wrong. I'm being observed, I have to notify if I'm upstairs or downstairs. If I attempt to do something in service of others, they get upset because they have decided new rules I'm not aware of yet and then I get the backlash of that.  I think I forget to check in with me to find out how I am really doing.

I was on the edge of a depression when this whole thing started. The quarantine, the COVID-19 lockdowns everywhere. And then I think, a part of me just went into yet another "survival mode". It's so common now. It's almost my default mode. I forget to check in with myself and how I am really doing. I forget to take an emotional break and care. I just... exist. I go through the motions or I just wait.
Being in quarantine with my parents is almost like being admitted to the psych. ward.
I just walk around waiting for this to end. Then I have my psych. consultation every second week (at the ward it's every week), over the phone.
But now there are speculations that the lockdown will last for a very long time to come. I won't be quarantined all that time, but... everything is closed so it basically becomes a quarantine.

Today I am vulnerable and sad. I need the people around me to be strong, and I am noticing more now that they aren't. Their buckets, (Thanks Snowdrop) are being filled up with worries and uncertainties, stress, and fatigue. They don't have capacity, so I got to be strong for them. The only problem is, it costs me so much. It costs me more now than it did before. And I worry that I am not up to the task.
I am not even sure why I am sad. I've had three lovely video (although brief) chats today with friends, I no longer feel the covid-19 symptoms. I went for a walk in the rain, and I got some thoughts out there. But now all I am is sad.