Sceal's third journal

[Sceal]

Thank you, both of you for your kind words and for believing in me.
I'm not sure if I believe it though, I don't think I'm even close to daring to believe it.

The Good Stuff
I usually end the entry with the good stuff to make me leave it there. But right now I need something good to think about while I'm writing.
At work today my boss asked me if I was still interessted in being a guard for a few arrangements a few week-ends a year. It's a pretty boring job, and where I can sit and read my book or draw if I like. I just have to be present and answer questions if people pops by, which they probably wont. I said I was interessted, but then I realized I might get into trouble with my wellfare. It's complicated and I'm not going to explain the system. So we put it on hold so I could call the wellfare contact of mine. We had a very lengthy talk, she said it was alright for me to go forward. She also told me she had been talking with my boss whom had told her they were very thrilled to have me onboard. It was so unexpected that I started crying on the phone. I'm terrible at taking compliments. My boss wouldn't needed to say that, I didn't even know they had been talking. But it was very lovely to hear. My contact at the wellfare thing said it was good to know I'm working at a place that I am thriving so much at. And I voiced a few concerns, not about work. But about the future and feeling constricted and not having much choices other than just follow along. She heard me and she said she would try to arrange it so that I can remain at work for a year rather than 6 months, if that would help me stress down. And lets be honest, it really would. It was such an unexpected and wonderful phonecall. She kept reaffirming that I'm in a good place, and that I belong there. And I agre, I do thrive there. I love it.
I was exhausted after the phone call though. I told my boss about the phone call, I got the guard duty job. And I also said I would like to stay longer than the 6 months, and that I had voice it to the wellfare and they were ofcourse going to prolongue it. My boss' face lit up, which was pretty awesome too.

My head was out of the game at 11.00. And I just existed after that. And around 14 I asked to leave, I ended up in a longer conversation with one of the other leaders which was also quite enlightening and hopeful.

The Bad Stuff
A friend gave my phone number away to some other person. It's unlikely that this person is going to become a problem, or is in anyway connected to people I want to avoid. But my phone number is a secret one, and I want to control who has it. So I had to send her a message saying I was not comfortable with my phone number being shared without asking for my permission, that it is a secret number. And that I hope she'll understand.
I sincerly hope that she will understand.
But I am terrified now.  I sat down a boundary, I tried to do it in a kind and professional manner.But I've no idea how she'll take it. I don't want her to feel awful, I just want her to respect my wishes.  I'm crying again. My leg is jumping, and I'm dead, physically unable to move away from this chair.
I hate this so much. It's my right to choose who has my phone number, it's also my right to choose to have it a secret one or not. And I should be allowed to say "it's not okay", and I do guess it is progress because just a short while ago I wouldn't have said anything at all. Just died all on the inside.
I'm wondering if I need to get a new number now, just because of this. That's how bad my paranoia is about it.

I also have therapy tomorrow. and I was supposed to do homework and prepare. But I only remember half of what I was supposed to do, and I feel like I am missing the key point. And I can't quite remember. And I'm stressed out because of that, because I've failed. And I only see her every second week now until the summer. So little time to fix everything, and so I don't have time to waste on not remembering and not doing homework.
Due to her new job, I felt like I couldn't call her and ask what it was I was supposed to think about and delve into, since it's not an emergency.
Juck, now I feel nauseous as well. Been doing that for a few days, enough to nearly make me hurl. And acid reflux issues.
I think I might be a tiny bit stressed.

I still have the eating disorder "conflict" happening. And I don't know what to do about that either, and it keeps swirling around at the back of my head.

[Sceal]

Such a jucky day today!
Woke up feeling gross after sleeping for nearly 10 hours. Didn't feel like being awake so turned on a burning fireplace video on youtube and put it on the tv and fell asleep on the sofa.
Felt irritable, sad, incredible exhausted all day.

Had a meeting with the psych.folks. To see if they will give me a psychriatic nurse. I didn't expect there to be two people in there, but there was. It went well. They were warm and friendly people, not sure if I made my case well enough though.

Then I sat at the library for hours, I had a book with me I'm currently reading and my sketchbooks and my notebook. I didn't touch anything. I was zombiefied in a chair waiting for the time to pass until I could take the buss to Lady T.

I felt overwhelmed and exhausted.
(I hate that I keep saying that word. that I'm tired, exhausted, worn out - because I know I've been more out of it than this.. but yet at the same time.. I don't know any other words to use)
And underprepared. I had to confess I hadn't done the homework, because I couldn't remember what it was I supposed to do. It was a bit of talking back and forth, and some wasting of time because she's getting pretty strict about me choosing what to talk about. I have to try and be more prepared.
It ended in a very tearful session.

I had no idea I felt so strongly about this conflict with the support at the eating disorder centre. I also had no idea how huge my avoidance and aversion to things can become. How much it costs me, how scary it is, how every fiber of my body and mind and heart is telling me to not get into this conflict - but as Lady T said:
Do I want to live like this, or do I want to live more in accordance with my actual values?
And my answer is the latter. I want to live more in accordance with values that I believe in and that I like. And in order to move towards that - I have to do exactly the oposite of what I've been doing most of my life. And that is to go against what has now become my instincts, gut feelings and deeply rooted habits.

I started crying when I told her it feels like I am making a mountain out of an anthill of this case with my nurse (Lady S), She stopped me and said that I'm not. This is a big thing for me, and I'm not making it bigger than it is. This is so difficult for me. She said I just have to keep trying and some days I will have to accept the fact it's too hard and then end up caving into avoidance. But I have to try now, to stop and ask questions all the time. "Am I avoiding? Is this moving towards or away from my wishes to live in alignment with my values.

So, I will have to write that letter. And afterwards I can go physically hide while the terror regins within me awaiting her reply.
It's time to be brave.

[Sceal]

Today is a better day.

I did send that e-mail the other day. And I also got a reply the next day. I've read it, but I haven't the mindset to process it.
I've realised that I feel scared of meeting her next friday, not because she was horrible in the e-mail, but because I feel I was horrible to be sending her that email in the first place, even if she stated she is grateful I said something.
I just, I guess, I don't believe her.
It's such an unusual situation for me, I rarely ever speak up for myself, and if I do it's gone too far with people whom I do trust and whom I know would never actually do bad things to me on purpose, which ends up with me blowing up. Or I blow up because the dishes haven't been done, rather than talk about what is actually bothering me. And now I don't know what to expect, I don't know how to act, I don't know what to say. I just feel bucket load of shame. Shame, shame, shame.

I am working this week-end as a favour for a friend of mine. I'll get compensation, and I even get a hotell room and a free dinner. But it is long hours, eventhough the work itself is fairly simple - it will require me to be social from 08-20.30 tomorrow, and I'm not sure how good I will be at that.  Long hours on Monday too, but not quite as long. I'm nervous I bit over too much this time, I regret saying yes. Although the money will come a good way along to my savings for visiting my friend in November.

Today though, I spent the day like I wanted to. I worked out a tiny, tiny bit at home. Lifted some weights and it was heavy (I'm so out of shape), but it felt good. Then I phoned my dad and he picked me up and I spent a few hours at my parents place cuddling and playing with the dogs. One of the dogs wouldn't stop following me around or talking to me, or demanding cuddles. It was heartwarming. I got a lift halfway home, took the bus to town and went by the art supply shop. Bought supplies I can't afford, and went home. Made half-way healthy dinner and watched Pretty Woman while sitting on the sofa rather than infront of the PC screen. It was quite relaxing. I enjoyed it.
I should pack for tomorrow, and then be mindful and relax. I'm going to bring my anti -anxiety meds. I'm not going to be driving or drinking, so it's alright.

[Hope67]

HI Sceal,
I hope that your day is going ok.  I know you've got a lot on today - long working hours, and I wanted you to know I was thinking of you.   
Hope 

[Sceal]

Thank you Hope for checking on me.

It's been a few days with really poor sleep, and alot of socialness and having to be professional.
But it's also been suprisingly alright. I've been doing well. Ate too much, but because it tasted good - not because I felt like * or was bored.

[Sceal]

Didn't feel so great today. Mainly just exhaustion catching up with me. I've slept most of the day. Or laid in bed with my mind churning, not turning itself off.

Next week I finally get to know the date of my surgery.

I have to work this weekend too, even if I asked not to. But the other lady is sick and my boss really wants to go to a children's birthday party on Sunday so I said yes to work on Sunday..  how could I possibly say no? There's only me left...

I messed up a meeting today, u thought it was at 12. but turns out it was at 10. And I was at home, still in my PJs. I feel bad for not being reliable.

I have work tomorrow. Two meetings on Friday + social engagement and then work on Sunday. I know this is too much. I just don't know what to cancel...

[Hope67]

HI Sceal,
I hope you managed to cancel something, as I know you were thinking of that.  Whatever you've done, I hope you are ok and good luck with your surgery date - as I see you're going to get to know the date hopefully next week.   
Hope 

[Sceal]

Thank you Hope, I didn't cancel anything. But one of my social engagement cancelled due to her and her family being sick with the flu.

I was feeling rather down yesterday, I wasn't very kind to myself for a while there. I was berating myself and blaming myself and all the bad things one do. I decided to write in my private journal by hand, and I realised something.
I realised that although I am more connected to my body now than I was a year ago. I am still distant from my physical sensations as well as my emotional ones.
On a daily basis I mean. I usually feel exhausted, but I don't stop to consider why I'm feeling exhausted. Instead I just complain about feeling exhausted.
I think it comes down to a sense of feeling overextended and overwhelmed. I went from very little activity (only therapy once a week) to alot in a very short time.
I'm still processing, I'm still getting used to it. I think it's like, because I thrive at work I don't allow myself to feel all the other things that comes with it. Fear, worries, stress, sensory overload, having to be smiling and friendly everyday I'm there, trying to be liked, trying to decide if I can trust the people around me, or whether I need to wait longer. And maybe other things... I don't let myself feel these things, I don't acknowledge them in my everyday life.
I'm not quite sure how to start, but like my new nurse says... When I understand what is going on, that is when I can start making a plan on how to change/improve/get to where I want.

[Sceal]

This week is going to be a long one.
Work today and friday. Hospital tomorrow, it's in a different town, so it'll be 4 hours travel time all put together, luckily I have several appointments at the hospital this time. Not just 5 minutes like last time I had to travel the same distance, that felt like a complete waste of time and money. It costs quite a bit for me to travel this distance.  Then I have therapy this week, and I see my nurse and Lady L, which I haven't seen in 3 weeks, and I'm dog-sitting as well for some extra cash.

I'm not sure how to feel about all of this, so I've decided not to. Just put one foot infront of the other and not think.
There's two problems with this tactic I've learned.
1. I have huge problems remembering what's been going on, and have little capacity to contain new information.
2. I end up exhausted and in need of so much more sleep than I normally need, because I don't allow myself to process anything.

To be honest, I thought I was doing good. But all I am really doing is existing. Just going through the motions. I don't feel bad, I don't feel sad, I don't feel empty. But I'm also not capable right now to process anything or make up my mind about anything. And as much as it lets me get through the days much easier, and I struggle less with internal critisism and hating my art, I am less grumpy. Which are all good things...
But I don't remember.
It's been two weeks, and I have no idea what I did last therapy session. This isn't condusive to my healing process. 
A part of me is afraid that if I work to stop this behaviour and I win, then I will end up so overwhelmed by everything I wont know how to deal with it all.

It's not that I don't feel, it's more that I don't connect with the emotions. They are behind the glass wall, so to speak. I can see them, faintly swirling around, if I look that is. And I'm not looking most of the time. I registered this morning that I was angry, or was it last night? I'm uncertain.  but I didn't -feel- it.
Maybe it's like when you put your hand down into water, and after a while you can't feel the temperature? Not quite sure if that's a good anology.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I hope that your journey has been ok, and that the appointments went ok - thinking of you.   
Hope 

[Sceal]

Thank you Hope.
It went very well. I love taking the train, I take it so seldom, and it's the perfect place to just sit and look at the world. Or sit and think, or sit and write. I did all of those things, and it was quite nice.

The appointments went fine, there was only one of them I struggled a bit with. Mainly because of the way I was met and not allowed to ask questions, and told I had to find the answers myself. I just needed some guidance.. Ah well.
Good news is surgery is in less than 3 weeks. Bad news is, I have to be on a very strict diet.

Had a very good session with Lady T yesterday. I'm not sure if I have ever been as talkative during any session before. But after visiting the hospital the other day I felt as if a fog lifted from my brain, as if I can think again. Although, of course this diet thing is making me very low on blood sugar, and it makes it harder to think - but in a whole different way. I'm not sure if I can describe it properly. I just know it's different.

The next two months is going to be brutual. But, I have my support system, and I do have my work to look forward to! And as long as I keep that in mind, I think it'll be alright. It'll be costly though, but it is what it is.

[Wattlebird]

Hi sceal,
3 weeks is not far off, you will be ok, I've seen your strength, being brave in the fear just means not running away and I can see your not. Well done you always encourage me with your strength even though you don't feel that, your actions and direction show a bravery that's commendable. 

[sanmagic7]

hi, sweetie,

just checking in.  it seems that you have been very busy in the last little bit.  wow!  no wonder you feel exhausted!

so, surgery is finally coming up.  we're here with you, surrounding you for strength and care.      

hang tough thru this diet adventure.  we're hanging right beside you.  love and hugs, sceal

[Sceal]

Thank you for your support Wattlebird and san.

I realised this morning, perhaps I've known it a while, but it became clearer to me this morning due to a conversation with a friend and a smiliar conversation with a different friend a few weeks ago:
Shame and fear are tactics that does NOT motivate me.

I understand that for many a little bit of fear will motivate them to avoid breaking new habits and going back to old, destructive ones. Or that if someone tells them "you did wrong" and puts shame on them, that it'll prevent them from doing similarly next time. I mean, that is afterall the purpose of shame. To protect a person socially from being excluded by others.
However, I think, that in my life - I generally have an overdose of shame and fear, and they simply only work to make me feel like *. They don't motivate me at all. I need to be inspired, supported, genuininely believed in (by that I mean that I need to truly believe that they truly believe in me), and encouraged. Inspiration doesn't need to come from a person, but the rest sort of does. I also have to do the work myself to try and keep myself encouraged as well of course. But shame and fear - no thanks. It'll have the oposite effect. It'll passify me, or they will give me the thoughts "I'm a failure anyway, why bother?"

[sanmagic7]

i think that's a great realization, sceal.  i do believe the more we know about ourselves, the more we are able to help ourselves, such as letting people know what works for us and what doesn't.     

love you, sweetie.