Sceal's third journal

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #450 on: April 07, 2020, 08:05:33 PM »
Thank you. I am. I feel a lot lighter!

I'm very scatterbrained and have very little concentration, more difficulties than usual. But it's to be expected, so I am fine with it as long as it doesn't last for too long.

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notalone

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #451 on: April 07, 2020, 09:20:10 PM »
I'm not ready to move yet anyway, I need time to rest before I even start thinking about the possibilities.
That sounds like a good idea. You just went through a huge change in your life. Catch your breath before making any big changes for awhile.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #452 on: April 07, 2020, 09:44:17 PM »
 :yeahthat:

this has been a lot to cope with in a rather short time.  i know you've been preparing for months, but most of the emotional stuff came toward the end, one thing after another, boom boom boom.  it's ok to take a break now, give yourself some time, let your mind settle a bit.  it really is ok.  love and hugs, sweet sceal. :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #453 on: April 09, 2020, 05:59:29 PM »
Hi Sceal,
Hope you get a break, and sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #454 on: April 11, 2020, 07:16:30 PM »
Thank you all. I did need a break. I just wished it would have lasted longer.

I am okay. Or that's what I keep telling myself and everyone around me. But I keep eating poorly, I keep sitting still for hours at an end. It takes me all day to work up enough mental  willpower to sit down and do art. I did one portrait I am pleased with, but now I am back at feeling like if I can't replicate the same level of skill then I am a fraud.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #455 on: April 11, 2020, 07:25:01 PM »
yeah, if we're not perfect at it, we're not good enough, right?  one extreme to the other, is what it sounds like to me.  i know that one very well.  maybe that's not what it is for you, sceal, but that's what rang a bell in my head when i read the thought of you feeling like a fraud.

i'm glad you had at least a little bit of a break.  keep taking care of you, ok?  sending a hug full of love and patience. :hug:

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #456 on: April 11, 2020, 09:42:40 PM »
Thank you San. For always being there with some comforting or supporting voice. Or cheering me on.  :bighug:

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It's a few hours later now. I got a phone call with my support person, despite it being easter. And I ranted and whined about almost all the things, and she patiently listened to me. Reminded me I am brave, and that people think I was so *"# brave for having an art exhibition, a solo one. I don't quite see what's brave about it. It's part of what I have to do if I want to work in this industry somehow. Or, I don't *have* to, there are other ways. But all the ways mean the same thing: exposing one self. It's not pleasant, regardless of how you do it. I hate it.  But at the same time... I don't make art for me. It's not a hobby for me. If it was just a hobby I wouldn't need to do the exposure thing.

It was nice to rant a bit. Although I feel like I'm not quite making myself heard, because I can't quite find the right words. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Everything is slowing down, the world is finally slowing down to a pace where I can somewhat follow alongside with. Almost. Not quite, I still don't manage to work out, I don't do enough art and I eat too much. I feel like I am eating all the time. And I hate it. I just can't seem to stop. I am terrified that I've streched my stomach. And I'm terrified to call and tell them I'm scared. I should have been on top of this. Like everything else. And I'm scared they will say it's all my fault, and I should have known better.

I don't quite feel like I belong anywhere. I have one friend who I think understands me. But he lives in another country, and he's married and got a family. Which means I don't want to "use him up", or take all of his time. I get so much of it already. I am really worried that I've overspent things with him. I have a girlfriend too who lives in another country. She doesn't understand me quite so well, or rather she doesn't get the problems. She's the one that tends to "mansplain" or give me (unwanted) advice when all I need is to share a concern. But other than those two... the rest of the people I know.. I don't feel like I belong. I feel like I am their weird friend. I'm not the one they call or text first. I'm often the last resort if at all. I just don't fit in very well. I'm not sure quite why. Maybe because I don't want to play the game of "fake it til you make it". I simply refuse to do that sort of thing conciously. I am sure I do it on many unconciously levels, by all means.
I just would like to feel like I feel at home with a crowd. Or belong. Or safe? I don't know. Somewhere that accepts me, all of me and who will help me accept me. Perhaps it's too much of a dream. Perhaps what I need to do first is accept myself and then the pieces will fit together.

I don't know. All I know is that I'm just drifting. And for some people that's blissful, for me it's awful. I feel like I have no control, I don't get a say or a have a choice. I am just here. Existing. And that's just not enough.

But I don't know what I can do about it right now. I mean, what long-term changes can I do?

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #457 on: April 12, 2020, 12:03:09 AM »
i think anything having to do with creative arts requires an act of bravery to put it out there.  it takes courage to be that vulnerable, to open yourself up to criticism. my d had to quit reading reviews of her books because some of them were negative and had a terrible effect on her - they made her question whether she should even be writing at all!  (she had a lot more pos. reviews, but it seems that the neg. ones always impact us much harder, i think).

that's just my take on bravery.  honestly, i think everyone here shows bravery in doing what it takes to get from one day to the next.  battling those unrealistic expectations to be 'perfect' at everything and for everyone takes a lot of time, energy, and courage, to my mind.

love and hugs to you, sweet sceal.  hopefully, you'll get your feet back under you soon.  :hug:

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's third journal
« Reply #458 on: April 17, 2020, 09:35:45 PM »
Big hug!