Sceal's third journal

[Sceal]

I was feeling utterly exhausted yesterday after work. head hurt, neck and shoulder hurt. All I needed was some time to myself and no background noise. I told my roomie as much when i was on my way home. he said he was in a call, but it'd end soon. Soon turned out to be 1.5 hour later after I got home. To which my desperation got quite high, and I told him in no uncertain tones that I live here too. When the call was over he was not pleased with my "outbreak". and wanted to talk about it, but I was close to tears in exhaustion and said no. He wasn't pleased. And later in the day he picked up the conversation again. And a littleways into it I managed to tell him "I've become better at respecting you when you say no - to having a discussing, I would like you to respect me too when I say no". To which he only nodded and he left me alone.
It felt at first sad and I was full of shame. "who the * am I to demand such things?!" and so on, but soon relief settled over me. I had said no, and asked for it to be heard, and it was heard. It was nice.

[sanmagic7]

  and  to you, sweetie.  very brave of you, and, dang, you got the results you needed.  i thought what you said to your roomie was spot on.  well done.

love you   

[Wattlebird]

Good work
No need for shame, but I understand the feeling of shame over the enforcing of boundaries.

[Sceal]

I lost the address for this webpage, and I wasn't sure if since it wasn't so readily at hand if I'd try and search for it and just simply fade away. But then, I realised I am not done yet. I'm not ready to stand on my own without the support here.

Surgery is on Monday. Last week I thought I was finally done being scared, and that was until earlier this week I realised I'd forgotten about an obstacle. I haven't quite known what to do about it, so I've avoided it to such a degree I forgot. And a little too late I now can talk this through with Lady T beforehand.

The thing is, the hospital I'm getting my surgery at is a small hospital. And there is a man who works there who used to be a friend of mine, he is (I believe still) apart of the group that re-traumatized me. He was nota part of the re-traumatization. He doesn't know what happened, I never told him. He only knows I left, I don't want to ever see them again or talk about them. And he knows I don't want them to know where I am and how I am doing. He is a man whom I felt was very nice and cool, but I couldn't make up my mind when I changed my phone number if I was going to give it to him or not. And so I let it lie until I'd decide. I still haven't decided. Because he lives in a different town than me, the hospital isn't local. So I usually have no need to be anywhere near his work or home - so I didn't need to decide on anything.
But now... I might see him. And I'm scared. I'm scared because I suspect I know how I will react if he comes visiting or sees me in the hallway. I will be friendly and welcoming. I would invite him to come visit me as long as I am there, and I'll want to know what he's been up to and how he is doing. And it will be genuine. But I will also not be able to set boundaries. If he asks questions I will answer. If he asks for my new phone number - I will give it to him.
And I know I should make up my mind of how I feel about keeping in-touch with him before monday - so I can adjust my PTSD responces. But... I honestly don't know how I feel about it!

On the one hand, he was very supportive of me. And he and I had a good connection. It was nice talking to him about random stuff.
On the other hand, I don't trust my judgement of who I was back then. What if he isn't the good guy I thought he was? How can I know that now?
Lady T would say "you can't control everything" and when I voice my paranoid concerns that they might be keeping an eye out still, or that I don't want him to let them know where I've been and how I was doing she'd say "They might already have seen you in town, on the bus, in the store without you having seen them" (Way to make my paranoia go up! ) Her point would be that I can't know.

But it's not the best time to try and experiment with this... I'll be in a very vulnerable position, I'll be drugged down. I'm going through a major surgery and that is what I should put all my energies towards - not testing my newfound skills at setting boundaries.
I am so confused.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what it is that I, the me who's not filled with cPTSD and MPD, want.

[sanmagic7]

sweet sceal, sounds like quite the quandary you're in.  i don't think it's a bad thing to think about how you'd want to respond to him beforehand, especially cuz, like you say, you're going to be in a compromised state of mind.

a thought that occurred to me, that i've used myself in situations where i'm unsure of what i want to do when being asked questions i'm not comfortable with is answering with nondescript generic (not lies, but no details) answers.  i'm thinking, if he asks why you left, something like 'i didn't feel comfortable there anymore', and see if he accepts that.  if he asks why, the answer might be 'i'm not comfortable talking about it right now'.

his responses to those statements would give you more information about him and what kind of person he is.  if he pushes you for more details, that would be a red flag for me, and i would not give him my phone number.  if he accepts your discomfort and allows it, i think i'd be more comfortable with him.  then, giving him your phone number would be a matter of simple choice.  if you want to stay in touch with him you might give it to him if he asks.  if he's not important to your life anymore, it may not be important for the 2 of you to keep up a correspondence.

as you said, you're different now than you were then, so your responses and determination of him as a person, what vibes you pick up from him, etc., are going to be different.  you do not have to feel pressured into anything you don't want to do, whether it's details or phone numbers or having him in your life in any way. 

sweetie, i'm so very glad for you that your surgery is almost here.  sending angels to watch over you - you're going to be fine.  i can feel that.  love you.   

[Not Alone]

Other possible responses: "I don't know. Let me think about that." "Thanks for visiting. I need to rest now."
Hoping for peace and successful surgery.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I hope that you're ok and that your surgery has gone well - and I hope that you're resting and recuperating well.  Sending you a very very gentle hug  and regarding your concerns about that guy you mentioned - even if you ended up giving him your phone number, you could always change your phone number if you needed to protect yourself. 
Wishing you the very best for a successful surgery and I hope you have some rest and recuperation.   
Take care,
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hey Sceal,
Miss you. Just wanted to say hi... hope you are well 

[Hope67]

Dear Sceal,
Thinking of you, and hoping you're doing ok.  Hope you are recuperating after your operation.  Take care.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I thought of you today too Sceal! I hope you're recovering well 

[Sceal]

I'm sorry I dissapeared for so long. I thought I was doing better, I didn't want to dig myself further down by complaining all the time.
But about a month or so after the surgery (which went very well btw) I fell into a depression again. I stayed away incase it'd make me get worse coming back here. Then I foolishly thought I had it beat for a week. But I was being stupid. I might not even be back-back. I just need to not be so alone tonight.

Occationally, you know, I forget that my PTSD is real. It sounds stupid, but I get so scared that it's just me being lazy. That I'm being cowardly. That I'm just using my mental energies all wrong, wasting time. And I feel so alone, misunderstood and unheard when I try to tell my friends about my worries. They give me well-meaning advice. But, I'm not looking for advice. I know it's the thing people try to do when someone's struggling. Either come with a solution to the problem. or to say things like "it will get better with time." No  #¤&! it doesn't get better with time. I've had time. I've worked hard at lengthy times, and it's not getting any better. And then they say * like "you've improved so much". No, I haven't. Not so much.
It bothers me, because it feels as if they are just saying those things to try and cheer me up in the moment, and that they think that is enough.
What I need is not something that I can get. I need two things. I need money, so I buy my own place and have my actual own place to call a home.
And I need a person who is willing to stand by me for a while, a long while. Until I can get back up on my feet, properly. But that is too much to ask of someone, because I don't know how long that will take. And it will be so draining on them. I will be such an emotional leech. I would be forever loyal to that person however, and I would do anything once I'd be capable. (if I am ever capable).

I know I have people in my life whom I owe my life to, so many of them. Who have kept me alive, even if they don't know it. And I feel so awful for not being better. For not doing better, for all the work they put in me for doing better.

I detest myself so much. And I think some of that old, hidden anger that is buried so deep that I normally can't sense it or touch it is starting to seep through.
There's all these emotions, and I don't know how to deal with them. And I don't know how to process them, and it hurts SO much. and I feel SO alone.

I wish people understood how much certain things hurt. And how scary other things are, and how difficult they are for me. I try to put on the brave face, but I'm really not all that brave. I'm scared. And if my worst worries come to pass, then I will have to quit my "job". And then what.. All that I've worked for this past year will come to nothing. How am I supposed to explain that to them? To work, to all the people I've invited for my exhibition that there will be none of. To my family. The only ones I can explain it to would be myself, Lady T and my GP. Maybe Mr. T. (Lady L has been exchanged with Mr.T for now.  They are both people at the SA support centre). But I can't talk to them all the time. Quite seldom infact. And now summer comes along and there'll be a 6-7 weeks without contact with most of them.
I hate that I still rely on them so much. I hate it.

[Tee]

Feel your pain! Your not alone!

[sanmagic7]

my sweet sceal,

so glad to hear from you.  i've missed you a lot!  i'm glad the surgery went well - that's so great.

i don't think it's uncommon for us to 'crash' and feel all this negativity after feeling like we've kind of got it all together.  i've done that several times in the past few years, have felt a lot of the same feelings, thoughts, and emotions you're expressing.  i'm so glad you came here and let it out.  that, my dear, is a sign of bravery, whether it feels like it or not.

may i echo tee in saying you're not alone -  .  you are loved for the wonderful being you are, no matter if you're at a high point or a low point or any point in between.   one step at a time, my dear.  this was a step, and it counts.  sending love and a hug full of care and compassion as you muster through this part of your recovery.   

[Not Alone]

Sending care and compassion. 

[Three Roses]