Sceal's third journal

[Sceal]

Today I have no hope that the future will be any better at all.

[Tee]

The light will shine again my friend. I hope something brings a smile to your face today no matter how small.  I'm sorry your struggling. You are valued and loved!

[Blueberry]

Could you be in an EF, Sceal? When I feel like that, I'm definitely in an EF. Whether you are or not, I'm sure this feeling will pass. They always do eventually to my knowledge. 

[Not Alone]

I wish I could give you encouraging words, but I'm somewhat in the same place. If you were with me, I'd share my weighted blanket with you and we'd sit with it across our laps and eat icecream bars (I just ate two) to our hearts' content. We'd hold on together. Hold on, Sceal. 

[sanmagic7]

hang tough, sweetie - you're not alone.  we're here with you, doing all we can to let you know how valuable you are, how much progress you've already made, and how much strength you've shown.   this, too, shall pass, right?    and much love.

[Hope67]

Dear Sceal,
I want to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok   
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Sceal,

Wondering how you are doing?

[Three Roses]

You're important to us, we care about you. 

[Deep Blue]

Hey Sceal,
Just checking in on you too 

[Tee]

Hope you are doing better Scealy!

[Sceal]

So sorry guys, I vanished briefly again. I got so exhausted and didn't have any energy to reply. And then I went on a roadtrip by myself to the other side of the country that was both uplifting and terribly sad. I'll write more about that further down. I just want to reply to you first:

Thank you Tee, it means alot to hear and read your kind words.

The weighted blanket sounds wonderful, notalone. Thank you for sharing it with me. How are you doing these days? I hope you've found some glimmer of hope.

ThreeRoses, thank you.  You're important in my life as well. <3

San: I hope it will pass, and that it's not one of those "get worse before it gets better"

Blue:
I think it might be an EF, not the hoplessness. But the rest. I think I am wading in and out of them several times a day. It's exhausting!
---

My Lady T was supposed to phone me today, but she didn't. But man do I need that call. I have to call the centre tomorrow and make them leave her a message saying I waited all day yesterday for her call, and although it's correct I also feel it's passive agressive. Maybe she was sick, or maybe there was a confusion, or maybe there was a crisis and she forgot.

My roadtrip was good, I was relieved when I left. I didn't want to meet my friend the next day - but since I was only going to be over there for a few days and he works shifts I felt bad about cancelling/postponing. I am glad I didn't, because we had a blast. I was so excited, I felt like a child. Care-free, curious and explorative. I even tried walking on stilts! But the moment I'd driven him home and I was left on my own again the raging thoughts, depression, stress and worries hit me. I'd only been gone a day and all I could think about was how much I didn't want to go back home. And how much I hate that I can't earn money so I can improve my own life-situation.
Trying to explain to people why I can't work is so hard, because they don't understand. Maybe I haven't found the right way of explaining without sharing too much information. But it always leaves me feeling like I'm lazy.

I'm so stressed out about economy. About not feeling like I belong anywhere. About not being able to work and be a productive member of society so I too can complain about too high taxes, road tolls and long boring days at work. And not having to listen to "But you don't work, why do you wake up at 6?"
Because - nightmares, that's why. They don't understand, but at the same time... I don't understand their life either. It seems so.. "easy" (it's not the right word, but best I can think of right now).

I hate the rollercoaster.

[Deep Blue]

I feel ya sceal!
I don't like emotional or real rollercoasters! Ha ha

Nightmares are awful! I had one last night that made me wake up soaked. I hate those.  Luckily I was able to get back to sleep this time.

Maybe it's ok that others don't get it? How could they get it? They have not walked your path... they have not known many of the struggles you have had.

I read a quote from Kristen Butler that said:
The strongest people I've met have not been given an easier life.  They've learned to create strength and happiness in dark places. 

Love ya! 

[Not Alone]

Sceal,

I'm glad that you had a little break from the intense emotions and had so much fun with your friend.

My Lady T was supposed to phone me today, but she didn't. But man do I need that call. I have to call the centre tomorrow and make them leave her a message saying I waited all day yesterday for her call, and although it's correct I also feel it's passive agressive. Maybe she was sick, or maybe there was a confusion, or maybe there was a crisis and she forgot.

Last week when I was having a very hard time, I emailed my therapist. It was several days before he got back to me. I did the same thing as you; "maybe. .  .maybe. . ." When you are in so much emotional pain and distress, it is really hard when you are waiting for that life-line and it (he/she) doesn't show up or is delayed.

Thank you for asking how I am doing. I am better than last week. Still have a knot of anxiety in my stomach. I'm really focusing on using the tools my T has given me. It really stinks that just breathing is so hard!

I hate rollercoasters too; internal and literal.   

[Tee]

Sceal I'm glad your trip went well over all. I'm sorry that you struggled when you dropped your friend off though.

It's hard to explain emotional and mental things to people who have never been through difficult times.  They go you mean like ABC and your like NO I mean$%#$& it a different language that can't understand singing with no frame of reference.  There's a children's book about explaining an with to five blind men.  I don't remember the name but each blind man touched a different part of the elephant and described it as a wall or a tree or a snake... I don't remember the whole thing.  The point is like deep blue said without waking your path none can fully understand where you are or what are dealing with.  And people with trauma don't even speak the same language.

I've been lucky enough to find a mundane mindless job that I can do to support my kids through dealing with my cptsd.  But it's exhausting and I'm for sure not taking care of myself the way I should.  But right now I have to feed my kids. They are the most important even more than me.  I hope some of that makes sense.  Love and hugs.

[Sceal]

I know that they won't understand fully, and neither do I wish them to have experiences where they know what it is like. However, I do wish they would try to understand and not make comparisons or to brush it under the carpet.
I guess what it is that I long for is acceptance from them that I don't function well.

Lady T called me today. She was incredibly sorry to have forgotten me yesterday. She kept apologizing over and over again. She didn't mean to neglect me. I told her it was alright, that I wasn't upset with her. She asked me how I am doing. And I told her not so well. We talked very briefly about work, and agreed to talk about that after the summer. Then I tried to focus on the accomplishments I have the past week. To focus on the positives. She was thrilled with me. Thrilled that when faced with something that normally triggers me into dissociation or full panic neither happened. Instead I was feeling alot of things, but she said that is normal, and that I will probably always feel angry and longing and sad in regards to this, but that is healthy. I told her, my depression is still there and it is still hard to deal with. She understood.
She ended the conversation by saying that she was going to go beyond protocol and tell me something she wasn't supposed to.
And then she told me that she is incredible proud of me, that she personally is proud of all the work that I have done the past year and half.  That she's impressed with me.

It was unexpected, but very kind of her. I think, had I been at her office when she told me that I would have started crying.