I'm sorry, I don't have the energy to respond to you all seperatedly today. But I'm thankful for you all and the thoughts you are sharing with me, and the support.
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I think I might delete many of my posts at some stage. I have this increased paranoia thing these days, it's after the EF. It happens sometimes, that the paranoia lingers. And it is lingering.
I am doubting people's intention, and I am doubting what they are saying are true and real. It might be nice to hear, but it sounds like lies to me all the same. With the exception of a few people.
I come from a culture where we don't give alot of praise and compliments in general. And within my family it was even less than normal. So for me, whenever I get an overly excited compliment I tend not to believe them. It's easier to believe the compliments when they are sort of told in a side-sentence. Or where I can literally both feel and see their wholeheartedness about it - but that is so rare.
A friend of mine said I'm a priority to her, and that she's always there for me. She's said this quite recently (within the last 4 weeks), but then she started going distant and I kept feeling rejected. And it's fuel for my mistrust. It hurts. I don't want to mistrust people.
I also mistrust my roomie when he says he wants to make amends, but we had a lengthy talk about that today. I don't expect him to make amends at all. I don't feel he has the need to. But he feels guilty and wants to do better by me. It just turned out that we had different thoughts about what that actually meant. We had a very long, painful and tearful conversation today. It hurts me that I'm hurting him. And he hurts because I am hurting, and because I don't want him back. And it's just such an emotional mess. And I caught myself thinking afterwards that "what if I just... if he do the changes... then would there be a chance?" and I don't know if I actually do legitimatedly believe and feel so, or if it is my groomed-self that wants to avoid conflict and hurt. (he never groomed me, I just want to underline that!).
Then a new group of people I'm slowly starting to get to know is starting a game-group, but I'm not invited. And I kind of feel rejected. I should probably learn to be more rejected in general. It's just a sucky feeling. and I don't know if it's because they don't know me well yet, or if it's because they're not that interessted in getting to know me better. I don't actually know. And I am scared to know. I didn't ask to join the game, maybe I should. But I dunno.
I asked my friend if she was mad at me, and she responded with "why would I be that?" and a shocked emoji. And I replied, and she's replied back. but I'm not sure I can handle more emotional stuff today. so I haven't dared read her reply. I bet I am just being stupid, overreactive and silly. But I can't help it, can I?
Fighting against your biology/chemistry isn't easy! It's not like saying "I think I'll wear the pink socks over the black ones today" and that will be all the difference! Silly anology. But whatever, I'm tired and sad.
I hate being like this. Roomie said I'm going into a downward spiral being more agressive and bitter. He is probably right. I know he is right, although I suspect I need to go through this period. To feel all the feelings to get to know them if I can, to regocnize them. I'm not sure if I will.
I should probably just shut up now and go to bed.