[Tee]

 

[notalone]

Sceal,

Do what you can to soothe and comfort yourself. Pet the dog, a cup of tea or coffee, a soft blanket, watch safe T.V., listen to music, etc. You are worthy of care and tenderness. 

[sanmagic7]

dear sweet sceal,

moving on can be terribly difficult.  i understand that feeling of responsibility for an ex - i've had it for my mex. hub.  on the other hand, what helped me is remembering the bad times, the draining times, the times that made me not want to be connected w/ him in the same way so that i moved out.   i had to let him sink or swim on his own - it was the adult thing to do, allowing him to be an adult and find his own way.  we stayed in touch by phone, and i was able to continue to give him support that way, but physically, no, not anymore.  that's his responsibility now.

so, just my 2 cents worth.  i'm sorry that such a perfectly lovely day got interrupted by such memories in so many ways - both w/ your ex and the cult.  i think you're doing really well, tho, and so very glad to see you here again.  sending love and a gentle hug w/ a memory eraser, if only for wonderful days that deserve to be enjoyed for what they are.

[Hope67]

  to you Sceal
Hope 

[Sceal]

I'm sorry, I don't have the energy to respond to you all seperatedly today. But I'm thankful for you all and the thoughts you are sharing with me, and the support.

---
I think I might delete many of my posts at some stage. I have this increased paranoia thing these days, it's after the EF. It happens sometimes, that the paranoia lingers. And it is lingering.

I am doubting people's intention, and I am doubting what they are saying are true and real. It might be nice to hear, but it sounds like lies to me all the same. With the exception of a few people.

I come from a culture where we don't give alot of praise and compliments in general. And within my family it was even less than normal. So for me, whenever I get an overly excited compliment I tend not to believe them. It's easier to believe the compliments when they are sort of told in a side-sentence. Or where I can literally both feel and see their wholeheartedness about it - but that is so rare.
A friend of mine said I'm a priority to her, and that she's always there for me. She's said this quite recently (within the last 4 weeks), but then she started going distant and I kept feeling rejected. And it's fuel for my mistrust. It hurts. I don't want to mistrust people.
I also mistrust my roomie when he says he wants to make amends, but we had a lengthy talk about that today. I don't expect him to make amends at all. I don't feel he has the need to. But he feels guilty and wants to do better by me. It just turned out that we had different thoughts about what that actually meant.  We had a very long, painful and tearful conversation today. It hurts me that I'm hurting him. And he hurts because I am hurting, and because I don't want him back. And it's just such an emotional mess. And I caught myself thinking afterwards that "what if I just... if he do the changes... then would there be a chance?" and I don't know if I actually do legitimatedly believe and feel so, or if it is my groomed-self that wants to avoid conflict and hurt. (he never groomed me, I just want to underline that!).
Then a new group of people I'm slowly starting to get to know is starting a game-group, but I'm not invited. And I kind of feel rejected. I should probably learn to be more rejected in general. It's just a sucky feeling. and I don't know if it's because they don't know me well yet, or if it's because they're not that interessted in getting to know me better. I don't actually know. And I am scared to know. I didn't ask to join the game, maybe I should. But I dunno.

I asked my friend if she was mad at me, and she responded with "why would I be that?" and a shocked emoji. And I replied, and she's replied back. but I'm not sure I can handle more emotional stuff today. so I haven't dared read her reply. I bet I am just being stupid, overreactive and silly. But I can't help it, can I?
Fighting against your biology/chemistry isn't easy! It's not like saying "I think I'll wear the pink socks over the black ones today" and that will be all the difference!  Silly anology. But whatever, I'm tired and sad.

I hate being like this. Roomie said I'm going into a downward spiral being more agressive and bitter. He is probably right. I know he is right, although I suspect I need to go through this period. To feel all the feelings to get to know them if I can, to regocnize them.  I'm not sure if I will.

I should probably just shut up now and go to bed.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal, i can feel your sadness and pain, and i'm really sorry you're feeling like this.  i think doubting ourselves is one of the worst symptoms of all this, second-guessing, confusion, wondering, not quite feeling sure-footed about what we want - that's what it sounds like to me anyway. 

i also understand about not wanting to deal w/ anything else emotional on a particular day - sometimes enough is too much.  i hope you can take care of yourself as best as possible, and to be gentle w/ yourself if you can't.  i'm just glad you're here, glad you're writing this stuff down, reaching out, letting us in.  you are very special to me, sceal, and i appreciate you in my life.  i don't quite know how to say that sideways or as an off-the-wall comment, but it is coming from my heart.  sending love and a hug filled w/ compassion and care.

[Tee]

Sceal here's a cup for you again☕️ and one for me☕️.  I totally understand what you have said not knowing who to turn to feeling alone, feeling friends pulling away whether that's in my head or real.

Here's the kicker I'm on vacation with my kids and husband away from"normal" life and I'm still struggling to fake the smile.  Trying to stay in the moment and make fun memories with them.  Why is that so hard?

This is what I keep telling myself Sceal.  I can only make small changes in me at time.  My junk took years of abuse and trauma to scar and damage me and then I've done many more years of damage because of them. I have to give myself time to hurt, and time heal a little bit at time and hopefully I'll get to the point there will be less faking it.

I wish sometimes this wasn't online I love board games you would do be in my group.🙂.

Feel my heartfelt  thank you for your support well!

[Sceal]

I am feeling quite raw right now. Sad, I suppose. Maybe anger? I am not certain.

I get so annoyed at people around me there days. For the smallest and insignificant things. For saying things that doesn't even concern me or is about me. But I get flare ups of real annoyance to the degree I don't want to talk with them or be near them in fear I will end up getting actually angry and saying something I don't actually mean. I told my friend this and my friend told me that it is because they are complaining about little things, and it's not them that I am truly upset with. It is that they remind me, not intentionally, of my own current situation that I am stuck in and cannot get out of and it hurts. I think she is probably right. But it sucks never the less. I don't want to be upset with people who are undeserving of it.

I met up with a long time friend today. I haven't seen my friend for quite some time, maybe a year now.. or longer? We don't often talk about old times. But today we did. Or rather we talked about the people in our mutual past. My ex came up. My friend doesn't know the whole story, and I am not inclined to inform either. But I have made it clear I don't want to associate with my ex ever again. Which is accepted.  Talking about my ex made me nauseous though. But I didn't give away any signs it was troubling me. I learned however that my ex appears to be quite lonely and friendless - despite being married. Sadly, this amused me.
I never wished ill of my past abusers. But recently I am. I don't know if it's because I am allowing more of the anger to be felt.. or what it is. But it troubles me.
I don't want to sink to their petty level of wishing someone else harm.
I don't want to risk my own soul because of the likes of them...
However I used to dream that I would rise from this *. Strong, powerful, accomplished.. but most of all -happy. And I wanted them to know they failed, I was stronger than the them.
I am not though. I am still here, being useless to society

[sanmagic7]

hey sweet sceal,

it sounds to me like you're in pain, and when we are hurting, i think thoughts and feelings can rise from the pain.  i mean, i've done this myself - i've never really wanted harm or hurt to others, but i found some extraordinarily horrible thoughts coming out of me about my ex.  i couldn't explain it, i'd never hated anyone before, yet here it was.

one day i heard my d talking about someone who had hurt her very badly, saying things she doesn't ordinarily say about others, either, and the thought crossed my mind - she's speaking from her pain.  it made sense to me, then, that that was where my own hateful feelings were coming from, a place of pain.  perhaps that's where those random neg. thoughts of yours are coming from.

just a thought.   i know you're struggling right now, and i wish i could say or do something to help.  know that i'm here, standing beside you, quietly supporting you in a gentle, caring way.  sending love and a hug filled w/ compassion.

[Tee]

Sceal I'm glad you got together with a friend.  I'm sorry it caused pain and anger.

I learned however that my ex appears to be quite lonely and friendless - despite being married. Sadly, this amused me.
I never wished ill of my past abusers. But recently I am. I don't know if it's because I am allowing more of the anger to be felt.. or what it is. But it troubles me.
I don't want to sink to their petty level of wishing someone else harm.
I don't want to risk my own soul because of the likes of them...
However I used to dream that I would rise from this *. Strong, powerful, accomplished.. but most of all -happy. And I wanted them to know they failed, I was stronger than the them.

I think it is normal to feel a little justified that world has given them back some of the karma.  I know that I have struggled with this area too.  A lot recently not wanting to wish harm on them but at them same time struggling with where they are and the harm they cause.

You being amused by his loneliness of his own doing is not your fault and you should not feel bad about.  It sounds like he's made his bed and now he's alone it.  You have every right to be amused by that cause it serves him right don't put shame on yourself for that.

And one day Sceal you will rise from the ashes stronger, more powerful, accomplished and happy until that day we are here to remind you you're stronger than you think braver than believe, and more loved than you'll ever know.

[Sceal]

San: but this is an old wound, not a recent one. And I don't event talk about it. I never did. I couldn't at the time, there was no one safe to talk to. And I didn't even believe I had the right to. I was imagining things. And what if I really was imagining it, I couldn't say anything then because I would hurt him. And then there was also the thought of why should anyone believe me? I was fat and unattractive afterall - why would anyone want to touch me without a ten foot pole, willingly? Not mentioning the fear and shame and blocked out memories.
So why now, after so long should I bother with wishing him ill?

Tee:
I do like the thought that he made his own bed, and has now to deal with that. Makes it sounds nicer and not so bad that I was amused at his loneliness.

---
I think I am self sabotaging. I am not eating right. And I catch myself wanting to eat when I am not hungry, I don't when I realised that is what I am doing. But.. I think I am self sabotaging..

Lady T and Mr.T is away on holiday. So I have to lean on myself.
I am also noticing an increase of aggressiveness. I get so annoyed at people for nothing.

It's bothering me.

And I wish I had the answer. Iike truly. And then a way to find out how to solve it.

[Tee]

  do you have a hobby you like to do?  I go back and forth trying to find things to distract myself when I feel myself start self sabotaging. Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't. Here in the struggle with you Sceal!

[Sceal]

I have many hobbies. But they don't always help, they require me to think alot and that requires energy. I am often without energy to pursue my hobbies. 

[Tee]

I get that it's all I could think of nothing's helping me right now either. Hope you're coming out of darkness I'm her for you

[Three Roses]

Sceal