Sceal's third journal

Started by Sceal, January 04, 2019, 09:23:18 PM

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Sceal

Thank you Tee. I haven't seen the picture yet.

--
I left work early today. Again. Like always. New people today. And also I feel like I'm breaking my heart into a million pieces.
I can't paint, or draw or create anything. Everyone is thousand times better than I.
What is the point of anything? I'm just ruining everything I touch, maybe not at first - but then eventually it'll get poisoned.

I can't breathe. Tears are flowing free-fall down my puffy potato sack of a face. A friend of mine says this is really difficult, and but I am standing in it. I am faced with the like of thought that it's a silly thing to say. Because I can't avoid this situation that I've started. So it's not like I can avoid it or hide from it, or pretend it's not happening.

What am I doing...

Tee

Sceal I'm here with you.  You can do this small steps try to breathe. :hug:

Three Roses

Standing with you, Sceal.  :hug:

Sceal

Thank you.

---

I cried for 3 days after the conversation with roomie. And then I felt this emptiness. Like nothing really matters. All of my things doesn't matter. My art doesn't matter. If I get out of bed doesn't matter.
I did though, get out of bed.

Then I got to my GP appointment. We talked a little around it, and she reminded me again that it is the healthy choice. For both him and I. To move apart. That right now it'll hurt, and it will hurt for a while.  The conversations aren't done being held, and each time we (roomie and I) will talk about it, I will probably break down and cry. But people aren't meant to be continuing living with their exes for such an extended time.  The emptiness was still there, but a little lighter I suppose. I got my blood drawn and then I got my b12 shot. And I went for a hike on a mountain-hill that I haven't been to for years, and years. It's not even that much out of the way for me when I go visit my parents. So I'm not quite sure why I never go. But it was a lovely walk, and it helped lifting my spirits.

I've been seeking comfort in my parents pets alot this summer. And each time I feel really low I go visit them and cuddle the dogs and the day gets better. Not good, but better.

I ended up with a call with a friend of mine in a different time-zone. We talk a few times a year, but we're so similar in the way we process things and how we work about art. (she's an artist as well), and we're both interessted in some of the same things. The time just flies by whenever I talk with her. She always makes me smile, and I get so energetic, passionate and inspired when I talk with her. It was a really nice break from all the sadness. I got alot of new thoughts and ideas for my work. And I even started talking with this graphic designer I hadn't really dared to talk to the next day. And that gave me more ideas. And I even managed to solve some difficult obstacles work-wise I had been struggling with for months.

So I felt okay on thursday. Friday I had a conversation with Mr. T at the SA support centre. He said that from what he knows of me, which isn't alot yet, that it is apparent that I don't really know who I am - I don't know what I like and where my boundaries goes. Because my survival techniques have been letting everyone get their way and their will. Friends, family, colleagues, strangers - everyone. Even when it's good things or safe for me to say no. I've just been surviving, and now that I'm not "only just surviving" anymore, it creates alot of confusion when it comes to relationships because I don't know where my boundaries goes. And he says it's quite natural that what I do need now is time on my own to figure this out. Not another partner. Not having to look after others.  It was nice hearing him say it. I guess, because I think he's right. And it lessens my guilt a little bit, atleast for the moment I'm talking with him.

I had a deep conversation with someone at work too, very unexpectedly. But nice. Difficult.

today, I decided I was going to clean up this appartment. I need space to work, and I need to have less mess around. At first it was nice. I got my desk clean. And I sorted some things. I got so drained from energy though. And now I'm tears again. I was packing things away, and thinking of what things is it that I will not be needing for the next 2 years? And that was all that got me derailing back down into the rabbit-hole of crying my eyes out.

I have no idea how I am going to manage packing up all my things without being utterly destroyed. Despite it being months and months away still.

sanmagic7

sweet sceal,

what a lot of emotional ups and downs you are going thru.  it's no wonder you're confused, sad, uncomfortable, and crying.  i would be, too.

i agree w/ your gp, that you are doing a positive thing, even if it doesn't feel positive right now.  this stuff is so hard, so draining of our spirit.  i'm glad you have your parents' pets to help bolster that.

just want you to know that i'm with you, right next to you.  i hope you can take your time, allow your pace, process as you go along.  sending love and a hug filled with comfort and peace. :hug:

Hope67

Hi Sceal,
I've not read all of your entry today, but I saw that you had a hike in the hills that you'd not visited for a long time, and that you enjoyed the walk and it lifted your mood, and I am pleased you had those moments and I wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Tee

 :hug: small steps forward. I'm here with you :hug:

Three Roses

You are doing difficult things and making hard choices, that's for sure. These things will serve you well in the future. Your future self will look back with thankfulness and gratitude towards this present you. We're here for you.  :hug:

Not Alone

So much going on with you. Sounds overwhelming. In the middle of all this, you have done some good self-care:

  • allowing yourself to feel and cry
  • getting out of bed
  • going to GP appointment
  • sticking to your decision to leave even though it is so hard
  • pet therapy
  • talking to a friend
  • Going to see Mr. T.
  • cleaning your desk
Keep going baby step by baby step, moments at a time. Try (I know it is easier said then done) not to go into ". . . how am I going to manage. . . " You managed quite a bit this week.  :hug:

Tee

Quote from: notalone on August 17, 2019, 05:47:56 PM
So much going on with you. Sounds overwhelming. In the middle of all this, you have done some good self-care:

  • allowing yourself to feel and cry
  • getting out of bed
  • going to GP appointment
  • sticking to your decision to leave even though it is so hard
  • pet therapy
  • talking to a friend
  • Going to see Mr. T.
  • cleaning your desk
Keep going baby step by baby step, moments at a time. Try (I know it is easier said then done) not to go into ". . . how am I going to manage. . . " You managed quite a bit this week.  :hug:
:yeahthat:

sunflower38

 :hug: I'm really sorry that you're having to go through all of this

Sceal

Thank you everyone for your support. It means so much when you feel so stuck and so alone. Knowing that you are cheering for me is heartwarming.
Thank you, notalone, for listing the things I have done. It looks so different when things are listed like that.
---

I worked for maybe an hour at work today. And I  snuck out early because... Too much nervous energy, someone was waiting for me (not sure why I thought they couldn't wait til after work.. I really don't). I felt pressured. I couldn't focus. I needed air. So I left. And then I felt terrible. So guilty.
So angry at myself for lack of strong work ethic.

I worked a tiny bit from home. I have things to bring to work tomorrow to work on.

I wrote a letter to Lady T. I'm seeing her again on Wednesday. I wrote about the darkness. The shame, guilt, fear.

I miss hearing voices. I feel so trapped in my own thoughts now. It's stupid I know. The voices were my own thoughts, but they didn't feel or sound like mine. I guess I miss being able to talk to someone. But it's like I'm not sure how to talk anymore.

sanmagic7

sweet sceal,

don't have much energy today, but i'm sending love and a hug filled with guilt remover.  there is nothing wrong with your work ethic, from what i know of you.  your c-ptsd injuries, however, can get in the way of doing things the way you want to do them.   i know mine do on a regular basis.  :hug:

Tee

Sceal it's perfectly ok to not want to face conflict.  I'm sorry your feeling so dark.  But agree with San you seem to work hard give yourself some grace.  Big hug :hug:

Sceal

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 19, 2019, 09:30:34 PM
sweet sceal,

don't have much energy today, but i'm sending love and a hug filled with guilt remover.  there is nothing wrong with your work ethic, from what i know of you.  your c-ptsd injuries, however, can get in the way of doing things the way you want to do them.   i know mine do on a regular basis.  :hug:

I hope you are right, San. That it is my PTSD that's flaring up and not a reflection on me. This poor work ethic.

Lady T sort of breached that subject a bit. I'll write about it further down.