Sceal's third journal

[Jazzy]

Notalone makes a good point. I'm sure it will work out when you are feeling better.

Also, there is a big difference between knowledge and experience. It is totally valid for you to point out that you have experience, and the other person does not. I know it can be tough to do something like that though, and ICr can really get going... but I don't think that was wrong of you at all. Maybe in the future you could word it differently so it doesn't feel so bad? Just an idea.

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon. Take care!

[Sceal]

Can dealing with the situation with the two people wait until after you are through this EF? It is hard to deal with anything in the middle of an EF, but especially difficult to deal with people with whom you are upset.

I wish it could, but it's the situation that pushes me into an EF.

Jazzy:
I agree that there is a difference between knowledge and experience. I could have pointed it out in a little more friendlier and firmer way.

I just left the conversation entirely, I don't intend on getting back in on it. I left the group to themselves for a few days. Didn't interact in the group chat or anything. I didn't know how to talk to them. Then the one guy reached out and said he was sorry he'd missed out on me in the group chat. and Isaid he hadn't missed me, I hadn't participated. But it seems like he's not angry with me atleast. So I'm a little more relaxed around that.

Had my session with Lady T yesterday.
I've been feeling so drained. I've mostly kept in bed from saturday through monday til I had to go to Lady T. I say mostly, because I got up and got on a walk on sunday, and I finished a christmas gift and two advents calendar. But it was lazy slow work, and outside of it I stayed in bed. Which is rare for me. Being so drained always makes me feel lazy and annoyed. Annoyed I'm not making a better effort with... well, anything really.
Lady T and I talked about "good enough" being "good enough" and doing things "good enough". Where my fear comes from in regards that whatever I do is never good enough, that I don't have a measuring tape where I will know when I can accept that my effort or creation or... me.. is good enough. And for as long as I can't be sure it's better to assume it isn't.  It's a fear that if I don't work hard enough that people will shun me and shut me out.  As well as a fear that if I just label something as "good enough" then it's the same as me giving up on whatever it is. And giving up is a weakness..for me.
It becomes very black and white.

[Aphotic]

Can dealing with the situation with the two people wait until after you are through this EF? It is hard to deal with anything in the middle of an EF, but especially difficult to deal with people with whom you are upset.

I wish it could, but it's the situation that pushes me into an EF.

Jazzy:
I agree that there is a difference between knowledge and experience. I could have pointed it out in a little more friendlier and firmer way.

I just left the conversation entirely, I don't intend on getting back in on it. I left the group to themselves for a few days. Didn't interact in the group chat or anything. I didn't know how to talk to them. Then the one guy reached out and said he was sorry he'd missed out on me in the group chat. and Isaid he hadn't missed me, I hadn't participated. But it seems like he's not angry with me atleast. So I'm a little more relaxed around that.

Had my session with Lady T yesterday.
I've been feeling so drained. I've mostly kept in bed from saturday through monday til I had to go to Lady T. I say mostly, because I got up and got on a walk on sunday, and I finished a christmas gift and two advents calendar. But it was lazy slow work, and outside of it I stayed in bed. Which is rare for me. Being so drained always makes me feel lazy and annoyed. Annoyed I'm not making a better effort with... well, anything really.
Lady T and I talked about "good enough" being "good enough" and doing things "good enough". Where my fear comes from in regards that whatever I do is never good enough, that I don't have a measuring tape where I will know when I can accept that my effort or creation or... me.. is good enough. And for as long as I can't be sure it's better to assume it isn't.  It's a fear that if I don't work hard enough that people will shun me and shut me out.  As well as a fear that if I just label something as "good enough" then it's the same as me giving up on whatever it is. And giving up is a weakness..for me.
It becomes very black and white.

I completely understand this Sceal. CPTSD really does tend to make us see things in black and white sometimes, like looking into a screen that's only 2D. It's always so difficult trying to measure oneself... I think personally we shouldn't use the actions that take place as a way of measuring our success - instead, we could focus on the feelings and the fact you've made any effort. For example in your case, maybe if you can acknowledge that you have felt you've made an effort, then that's 'good enough'. Rather than focusing on what you've done or haven't done, just see what you've been ABLE to do with your current circumstances. Some days 'good enough' is a lot, other days it's very little. If you're tired, but you still have attempted to do something, that's 'good enough'. I think it all depends on your health and how you're feeling. But that's just the way I see it, not sure if that helps or not!
Humans aren't machines that can run 100% 24/7. It's okay to not work as much sometimes.

[Not Alone]

Some days 'good enough' is a lot, other days it's very little. If you're tired, but you still have attempted to do something, that's 'good enough'. I think it all depends on your health and how you're feeling. But that's just the way I see it, not sure if that helps or not!
Humans aren't machines that can run 100% 24/7. It's okay to not work as much sometimes.

Another thought is to give yourself grace and kindness. (I know that is not easy.)

[sanmagic7]

i can relate, sceal.  the term 'good enough' or 'average' was not allowed for me.  'perfect' was the only thing to strive for, and be.  it has been one of the most difficult tasks i've encountered over the years to give myself permission to be 'ok'.  to this day, i struggle at times - even when posting, i've only lately been able to write what i want to write without going back and re-checking for grammar and spelling mistakes.  it's just awful.

sending you love and a hug filled w/ permission to accept yourself for the lovely person you are, weak and strong, and all shades of sceal in between.

[Sceal]

It is starting to dawn on me, that I might be stronger than I view myself.

Or maybe it is a fleeting thought..
Maybe it is a lie that people have been trying to knock into my skull for the past few years. That is my fear, along with that the truth is I simply are not good enough as me, myself alone.

I am being challenged and pushed these days. It's been alot to handle lately. But what I have to admit, is that although it has been alot. It has also been... Manageable.
This week started with therapy, which left me feeling good. Tuesday was work - where I had to fail but push past it. I had to deal with people, and I had to say NO. In a not so nice way ( apologized for that). Wednesday was my birthday. It was sunny. And I was feeling apprehensive about it, because I didn't know what I wanted to do. But I filled it with things *I* wanted. And with people *I* wanted to see, not any guilt or shame around that. Thursday I went to work, despite having said I might not show. Not only did I go to work, but I also went to the opening of the exhibition. I talked to two strangers. Although I mostly latched on to people I knew or hid near the door. And it was mainly due to a sense of obligation rather than wanting to. But I did it. And today I went to see Mr. T and there was a meeting afterwards which left me unfocused and feeling off and nauseous. Soon I got family dinner and theatre.
The week isn't over yet. The weekend is me working at the gallery. Alone. Which is making me more nervous than usual.

I think I might have managed to go through this week because I was expecting it to be hard and difficult and I prepared for that. I have set boundaries. To me and towards others.

Maybe I will crash once the week is over.
Maybe not.

[sanmagic7]

first, happy birthday, sweet sceal!

next, this was a loaded week indeed, and congrats on managing everything!

i believe it to be true that you are stronger than you've thought.  this week was evidence, at least to my mind.  well done!

it's difficult to change our perspectives, especially of ourselves, but i think you've taken a solid step toward doing just that.  love and hugs

[Sceal]

Thank you dear San. 

I am shattered today. I have to work. They said I could call in sick, but my conscience isn't letting me.

I will call in sick tomorrow.
Maybe on Tuesday too... We'll see. I kind of don't want to be at home with mr.grumpyface. I don't know what his deal is these days. He doesn't want me to talk to him. I am too tired to push it. I hope he concludes that the best thing for him is to move back home.

[Aphotic]

Thank you dear San. 

I am shattered today. I have to work. They said I could call in sick, but my conscience isn't letting me.

I will call in sick tomorrow.
Maybe on Tuesday too... We'll see. I kind of don't want to be at home with mr.grumpyface. I don't know what his deal is these days. He doesn't want me to talk to him. I am too tired to push it. I hope he concludes that the best thing for him is to move back home.

Sorry to hear about your difficulty today, Sceal. I'm hoping things will get better and you'll be able to manage the next few days!
And also happy birthday... Hopefully it's not a trigger for you but I just want to remind in a friendly manner that we're happy to have you here.

[Sceal]

Thank you Perplex!
I really needed some kind words today.
I still feel really bad that I aren't able to read and comment on other peoples journals.
This mental fatigue for that is really long lasting.

I had kind of planned to take the day off today. But it's such a drag being at home now. I am stressing about being at home. About packing and moving, about letting the landlords know. About telling roomie that I am letting the landlords know and if he wants to come along or not. About my parents dog being really old and getting closer to death and it makes me so incredibly sad. I need him. I am so selfish, but I really do need that dog. He loves me so much and I love him.  There is no judgement, and cuddles for as long as I can be bothered, even past when I'm fed up.
I have my exhibition I haven't finished.
I have Christmas presents I'm not finished.
I have a friend visiting from abroad later this week.

I just have this vulnerable feeling in my chest and gut.
I want to spend money I don't have to make up for feeling bad.  And I keep getting messages and emails and so on about the various stores now having a "black week" instead of a black Friday. I don't need more crap. I need less.
I need people to buy my stuff.

I don't know how to reach out saying I feel like * to someone. Anyone. And I am not sure if it would even help to actually complain..

[Snowdrop]

Sending you big hugs of support.

[Sceal]

 

Sending you big hugs of support.

[sanmagic7]

o my dear sceal,

i'm just coming off a long haul of being overwhelmed by one thing after another, and it is tough.  get through one day, one hour, one minute if that's what it takes, just one at a time, one step, then another.  we're with you, even when we, ourselves, (like me) don't have the energy or strength to post for others.  i totally get it, have been mostly away for the past 2 months. 

i think it's difficult for those of us who have gotten very involved here to have to pull back, because we want to continue the involvement, (at least this is how it is for me), want to stay in touch and let others know verbally that we're thinking of them, we're with them.  for one, i know you support me, are with me, even when you aren't able to respond to me.  i hope you know the same of me to you.  sometimes, it just doesn't happen for whatever reason.  this crapola is rough to get thru at times, and it takes all we have just to make it thru the day.

you've got so much going on at home right now, with your exhibition, w/ the dog - dang, sceal, that's a lot to be juggling!  and, just my opinion - selfish to want that unconditional love?  animals are amazing about what they can give to us.  i'm sorry the dog is getting old, but i'm glad you've been able to get so much from him.  that's truly a gift.

best to you with everything you're dealing with.  much love to you, sweetie, and a hug filled w/ all the strength you need.

[Sceal]

Thank you so much San.
It is true. Before my sudden dissapearence this summer I was very active in other people's journals and on the forum as a whole. This forum has given me alot. I tried to help out the moderators too for a while. But I've just come to the point where I can't hear or read, or watch other people's pain. It gets too me too quickly.  Someone once told me of an anology when I was younger and just getting sick.  Well, just getting treatment. I had a friend who was also very, very sick. And the nurse at the hospital told us that sometimes you have people in your life that are also suffering, and you want to do everything you can for them because you care so much, and you feel their pain so clearly. It's so familiar, and you don't want them to feel it. But what ends up happening is that although both are trying to help each other up and out of the bottom of the pit, it ends up both dragging each other down. We can't both be climbing the superslick slippery surface together, we're not strong enough to carry each other. So for a while, it is better to focus on ones own health.
And that is what I am trying to do, not because the people around me is trying to pull me down. But because I care so much and because I'm not strong enough for us both (plural) yet I end up back down at the pit.
It's not just here on the forum, it's in real life too. At work, with roomie, with friends. And I feel like the worlds biggest selfish person.

Update on the exhibition: I'm ALMOST done. two more images to paint, the lineart is NEARLY done on the last image.
Update on the dog: The vet says if we can get his pain under control and if we can clear up his gum-infection he has a good chance of living a few more years.  He's going in for dental care tomorrow. It's tricky, because it's anasthesia.. and he has heart problems. And that's always scary. I cuddled him all I could today.
Update on roomie: He's going through *. I feel really bad about it, it's not my fault. I'll try to support him. But I can't.. I really need to somehow find the strength to be a B* and still move out come march. Regardless of what happens. I really, really, really hope he wont guilt me into staying. I am really, really not strong yet.
Update on health: I've lost weight. Which is great. My muscles are all sore today, and I've been in some annoying pain. Not like ALOT, but the kind that doesn't let go. And I might have to sit out an workout this week - and I'm no fan of that. But I'm supposed to listen to the body, right?

[Snowdrop]

I don't see you as being selfish in any way at all. I see it as you recognising your limits, and self-care. Both good things.