Sceal's third journal

Started by Sceal, January 04, 2019, 09:23:18 PM

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Sceal

Dear San.
I am glad my perspective was of help for you too.  To me it is a rather painful realisation. how much of my life has I just given to others due to fear and obligations. Not that I believe i have the right to thrive, or to be selfish and egotistical. I don't want to be that. But I'd like to give off of myself without fear. Without it being an obligation. Not all that I have given has been due to that. And I'm quite sure most people haven't realised that I did it because they gave me a little kindness.

I think in some instances I have given more than I have.

Roomie left for his home country on Friday morning. He left while I was still sleeping. There was a time where his coming and going would wake me up. But I sleep heavier now than I used to before. Ever since the surgery. I think it's because my body is starting to feel like my own.
I spent yesterday cleaning and sorting out my art supplies. I've boxed them better. And it made me realise I have less than I thought. Which will be helpful when I move. I've also gathered three boxes that I will take to store at my parents' basement. I might as well bring them now, since they are ready.
But it is leaving me with an absolute awful emotion. I feel.. Terrible. I feel guilty I think. There's a pit in my stomach, I want to SH. And I want to sleep. I have more cleaning to do. I was supposed to draw and plan my 2020 this week-end and be totally alone. But instead I'm barely managing to clean. Just knowing how much is left is making my stomach turn. And each time I clean, tidy and throw something out. I know i'm getting rid of stuff or sorting stuff so moving will be easier. It's not going to be easy. I really really wish I could turn off emotions for the first three months of the year.
But I suspect that's not going to happen.
I just hope I am strong enough to go through with this. That I am strong enough to do this without too much SH. I really don't need more scars.

I'd like to just turn myself off now.

sanmagic7

hang tough, sweet sceal - honestly, i'm hangin' right beside you.  this is a rough patch you're going thru.  i get it, and i'm there with you. 

i'm glad your body is feeling more like your own.  such a good, solid feeling. 

sending love and a hug filled with strength :hug:

Sceal

Thank you San for being here with me.
I really do need it now. I ended with a brief spell of SH, unfortunately. Hopefully it's the last one. I felt so much calmer afterwards. I always feel so calm afterwards. I went to bed and slept for 12 hours. Woke up and worked out!

I'm omw to the SA support centre just to sit there. Get away for a little while before I pick up the car and decorate the Christmas tree

Snowdrop

Sending you hugs and support, Sceal. :hug:

Sceal

 :hug: to you Snowdrop. Thank you for reading

Sceal

I went to visit my friend and her family abroad for a few days between Christmas and new years, and it was wonderful. I forgot about my daily life. I forgot about my PTSD. There was no triggers, and it was just calm and nice. They were super hospitable.

But now I'm back home again.
Alone.
And I thought I'd relish in the fact that I would be home alone for a few days before roomie returns from his christmas break with his family. But I'm not.
I'm sad. I can't get off the sofa, all I'm doing is watching stupid TV-shows I don't particularly like instead of being productive.
I had things I wanted to get done before new years, but I don't feel it. And I hate that I need to be in a particular mind-frame to be able to work. It feels like I should be able to just push emotions aside and get on with it. But that obstacle is so hard to get past.

And I am wondering, if I'm just trying to escape instead of dealing with things. I would so like to not have to actually have things that needs dealing with for a while. Dealing with packing and moving, and avoiding further fights and avoiding my roomie when he comes back. I feel exhausted just thinking about it.
I went on the threadmill today and I had to tell myself over and over and over again that it's okay if I end up being tired afterwards. Being tired is not an excuse not to do things, because I'll be tired anyway. But it's such a difference between mentally, emotionally and physically tired. i'd much rather be physically tired.  Maybe that way I wouldn't have so many crazy "#¤s dreams and nightmares. 

But I am so scared of him coming back. Of more fights, or more him emotionally lashing out at me, telling me what a terrible person I am.
I don't know how he will react once he gets home tomorrow. Maybe it will be all fine. maybe we wont talk about it at all. Maybe there'll be weekly talks.
I have no idea.
The only thing I do know is that I'm scared.
So I eat.
And I had a surgery. So I feel bad that I'm eating stuff I shouldn't be after I had a surgery to get off all this excess, unhealthy weight. so I am filled with shame and guilt for that too.

I am self -sabotaging. I know. I just don't know why. Why? what's the point of that?

sanmagic7

sweet sceal, you have so much going on right now.  i hear you, i'm with you, i'm fighting next to you.  love and hugs to you :hug:

Sceal

Thank you dear San. I am glad you're here with me.  :hug:

Sometimes I feel I should leave this forum. I feel so bad for still not having any energy to read others journal and check in with how everyone is doing and what's been happening.  I feel so guilty that I am not able to be a listening ear for others. And that this just never seem to end.

I feel disgusting today. I noticed I have gained weight. That's the wrong direction. And I am angry with myself for allowing this to happen.
I am trying to motivate myself to eat healthier and be more active. But all I feel is shame for not bothering to get off the sofa which of course is making me feel worse.
I am seeing Lady T next week. By then then it's been over s month since last session. She got sick and had to cancel. At a very bad time tbh. But not like she chose to get sick.

Not Alone

Quote from: Sceal on January 03, 2020, 02:07:34 PM
Sometimes I feel I should leave this forum. I feel so bad for still not having any energy to read others journal and check in with how everyone is doing and what's been happening.  I feel so guilty that I am not able to be a listening ear for others. And that this just never seem to end.
You are important and I'm glad you are here. I have had times when I can't read others' posts. I have felt bad about it too, but then I know that people here understand. It is okay if you don't have the energy to read &/or respond.

Sceal

Thanks notalone. That is very kind of you. It's warming for me to hear that, I still feel terribly bad over it though

...

I am at the verge of panic attack. There's so much happening the next three months. Big things. And they are all incredibly emotionally draining. One of them is supposed to be a delight and a great opportunity. I've worked hard to get this far, but all I feel right now is a big lump of awfulness in my stomach. And I would like to cover it up with candy... But that will only make me feel worse.
And then there is the move. I get so annoyed when my friends bring it up, I think it is because they think it's so easy and that it's finally time I do it. And I get it. It is easy... For them. Because it's not them who has to do it. It's not them that has to live in it all. Feel the guilt and the shame.
Because that's all I feel. Theres no relief that time is finally almost here.
All I feel is crippling shame. To the verge I am about to cancel moving.but that won't solve anything. It won't make anything better.
But I feel so damn alone in this. I am trying to open up to my friends and let them know how much this is making me suffer.. but they don't understand. They don't see the problem. Because after all I don't owe him anything. It's been over for years. Etc..
I know all of that. But knowing doesn't take away the pain.. the grief. The hurt.

Three Roses

Dear Sceal, I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much right now! You are worth it, though, you are worth the struggle. Just one step at a time, easy does it. ❤️

Sceal

Thank you ThreeRoses for validation and the reminder to take one step at a time. And it's true, it is so much right now.

Shortly after I wrote the earlier entry I called Lady T. The SH impulse was too high. I broke down in tears crying on the phone with her. As usual she always makes me laugh too, at my own sillyness. I think humour is helpful to get through. I still felt like * though. But she calmed me down sufficiently to manage to choose how to deal with the rest of the day. I felt that if I didn't fix the poster, pick up and deliver items from my parents to my studio + going to the mall to get a new work-out bra and going to my workout session that I'll fail and become super lazy. She asked if there was one or two things I could postpone until tomorrow. I said maybe, but then it's just pushing it all over tomorrow instead. But I did manage to go home, and rest and figure out what to do next. She told me there would be no shame in not going to my padwork workout, or no shame in not doing any of the things I had to do. Because I would then choose the thing I'd need the most: Rest.
I manage to work on the poster a little bit though. it's out of my comfort zone, so I've no clue what I'm doing and I've no clue which one I like the best. But I did a little bit of it. After having a meltdown on my computer for it not working as it should and me not being able to fix it by the usual means.
I also ended up having a squib ( is it called that?) with roomie. I told him why I'm not doing so great. with the guilt and the shame in regards to him, and everything being too much. He then asked me if it was because I'm moving out or because of me telling him in a fit of rage that I was r* and that was part of the reason why I broke up. I said the former. He told me it was the latter that he was having the biggest issues with, why he kept having nightmares. So that obviously just made me feel even worse. I asked him "Do you want me to feel even more guilty and shameful than I already am? Is that *really* your intention? Because it is working exceptionally well". He didn't answer. I guess that's answer enough. Which both makes me feel awful and also angry at him. He has no right. He really doesn't.

I went to lie down and rest for a bit after that. To decide "should I go to the gym? or should I just go to sleep" I went to the gym. It was two really hard, but good hours for me. It was what I needed. I busted my arm a little, so I'm not sure I'll manage to go on Wednesday, although I have yet to be able to go twice a week. I'm still too weak for it. And oh boy am I weak. I'm so weak and slow.
But I will get stronger. I have to. I'm learning.

So it is really, really rough right now. I can' t talk to my friends, they don't understand. They don't want to. And also, even if they did - I would need them much more and for much longer than would be fair to them. So I can't ask them to be there for me in the capacity I need them. So, I am alone.

Snowdrop

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I'm glad you were able to call Lady T though. She sounds great.

I'm sending you a hug to say I hear you and I care. :hug:

Sceal

I ran into him again while heading to my Lady T.
I'm panicky. I'm paranoidy. It's not a good time for this. There's too much else. SH is escalating.
going to my GP tomorrow, but I suspect it's a temp. That's not good. That doesn't work for me when it's non-somatic issues.

Sceal

SH desire is high.
I feel low. Sad and also empty. I'd rather no go out tomorrow at all. I am so worried about money. My presecription for my injection tomorrow wasnt on the right kind so now I have to cover it all in full. And it's alot right now. With GP cost, Lady T cost, buscard isn't being covered anymore. Things to buy before the exhibition.
i told lady t today that I tend to find new problems and worries to delve into when I'm stressing and worried and terrified of something that I don't want to face or deal wtih,s o I take those feelings and put it into a "simpler" problem, or create problems just to have an outlet for those emotions. It's really not constructive, it's not helpful, and it's not effective. It just causes more pain. Although they all feel like legitimate problems.
Money worries are a legitimate problem. My friend not talking to me; not such a big problem. I stopped talking to her too. Nothing happen as far as I know of. But I refuse to send her a message saying "Hi, we've not been talking for a while, just checking in to hear how you're doing? And also ask if I did something to upset you?" Because I don't want to put the blame on me. It's not my fault whatever it is that makes her not talk to me.
I always came running to her, whenever she was in distress I was there. Within minutes. The last time we had a conversation I asked her though, to not assume that I'm always having a bad day - because it's not true. And it's hurtful that she only sees me that way. Right now I only have bad days. I have worse days and bad days.
I've known for months it's going to be a really, utterly, totally * time at the start of 2020. I knew that when I said I'm moving out in March. And it's right. It's a totally * time.
It sucks, because I wanted the time before my exhibition to actually be a good time. Meaningful, suspenseful, thrilling, anything - something - just positive and exciting I guess. it's not. It's just guilt, shame, doubt, sadness, paranoia.