Sceal's third journal

Started by Sceal, January 04, 2019, 09:23:18 PM

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sanmagic7

still here with you sceal - for what it's worth, you're not alone.

i've had friends like that, too, and when i stopped doing all the reaching out, the friendship kind of disappeared of its own volition. :disappear:  i've had to accept that everyone isn't like me, doesn't prioritize the same as i do.  very sad at times, but there it is.  i don't believe you need to take on any blame for that relationship, nor guilt or anything else.  honestly, if i've learned nothing else in this life, it's that people come and go, and all we can do is enjoy them while they're there.

i'm not trying to minimize any of what you're going thru, which is a lot at this moment.  i agree w/ 3r to take it step by step.  you've got a lot of emotions all hustling and bustling around inside about one thing or something entirely different that's going on in your life.  it's no wonder you're stressed - it's an awful lot to be dealing with all at once.

i hope you remember to breathe - like wife2 always used to say.  i've got your hand, if you want, and am sending love and a hug filled w/ deep, cleansing breaths. :hug:

Sceal

Dear san,

Yeah, I'm with you that people come and go in your life. Some are worth fighting for, and some come back after a break, and it feels like you spoke just last week eventhough it might have been months, or even years. And then there are friends you wish would fight a little harder for you, because... you thought the friendship meant more to the both of you. The girl I'm talking about told me last summer that she was super thankful for me for being there for her at the drop of a hat, and didn't hate her after a year of pushing me away. She was dealing with an abusive boss, I didn't know, well. I didn't know he was as bad as she told me, but I knew he was a bad sort. It took her a while to realize he was terrorizing her, and then for her to dare to get out. She got help really quickly and she's back on her feet. So last summer she told me I was a priority to her. Which was nice to hear, but I wish she had never told me that. Because it felt like a lie afterwards. She might have meant it at the time, but then... she got pregnant and things changed.  She's not due for another few months though. sometime in the spring. I knew things would change when the baby would come, but I hoped we'd stay close at least until then. I try not to think of her, because I'm terrible at letting people I choose to care for go.
Which is why letting go of roomie is soul crushing for me. It's against all my instinct and all my habits and all that I am to leave someone behind. Especially when they are wounded, and that I'm doing the wounding. It's just... I know it's not good to stay, for either of us. And I'm trying to be mindful of that.. but it's so damn hard to keep reminding myself of it.

It's so hard to stay strong.

Lady T said I don't need to talk to roomie or have any of the talks until after my exhibition. It's two weeks away. I need to focus on that. And I need to talk my self down from this increasingly big paranoia and fear that's building up.

Thank you for holding my hand and being here. Thank you so much.
My thoughts goes to you.

sanmagic7

hey, sweet sceal,

i do know it's hard to let go of people who have played a big part in your life.  i've had to do it several times, and it was always the very last option i picked.  like you, tho, i kept telling myself over and over why i knew it was best for the relationship to end.  that was the only way i was able to actually accomplish it.  but, yep, it can be really hard to remember the bad times, the reasons why we eventually came to this final decision.   i'm completely with you on that.

i'm really sorry about your friend, too.  again, i've had major friends who just didn't put the same effort into the friendship that i thought was warranted, that i put into it myself.  i don't know how or why this can get lopsided like that.  it just does, i guess.  it's really too bad on too many levels.

i'm still with you through this, sceal.  i'm not letting go, even if i can't write it (i've got therapy tomorrow, so i don't know what kind of shape i'll be in for the next couple days), but i'm right by your side.  and i agree with lady t that you don't have to have any heavy talks w/ your roomie till after your exhibition.  it's a biggie, and you can make it a priority for yourself and your own well-being.  you deserve that.

sending love and a hug filled w/ friendship and care :hug:

Sceal

Dear San,

I guess it's a universal thing that it's hard to let go of the people we care about. I wonder though, is it sometimes harder for those of us who's been ostracized? I suppose it doesn't always matter if you got trauma in your baggage, the hurt is still there. Just with trauma it's always there. It messes up on different levels as well.

...

I'm not as paranoid as I was last time. Although I'm seriously considering changing my haircolour, and change my coat whenever I leave the house. I also don't stay put in one place for too long. And now my name is all over the city, due to the exhibition. I'm TERRIFIED that they will show up. My only hope is that there will be so many people there that they can't make a scene, that there'll be too many people around to spark up a conversation, or ask me why I didn't invite them, or haven't talked to them for years. There might be a chance they wont notice, if they don't notice they might not come. I need to make myself a fail-safe plan. I just don't know what that should be, or how that would look like. I know my GP might attend, Lady T might be there. But they wont be there as professionals, they're not there to help me out that evening. I need to devise a plan. The obvious one is to talk to someone and make them my wingman, or woman. But I'm not sure how much I trust these people, or how much I want them to know, or if I even feel safe with anyone.

I'm stressing about everything. Money, old friends, the fact I haven't packed, food, sugar, SH, being good enough, moving, the exhibition, my next plan, learning new things. I feel like I'm just adding more and more things ontop of a growing pile, just so that I'll make sure I'm burying myself well and good in pain and difficulties. Why do I do this?

Not Alone

Sceal,
Having a plan for "in case ___________happens" for the exhibition sounds like a really good idea.  :hug:

Sceal

I wish it was easy, notalone. But I can't come up with one that I'm comfortable with.

---
*trigger warning*

All I've been thinking about today is SH and worse. I feel I am not worthy of anything. And I'm so full of shame. I don't deserve all the kindness from people.
I don't know how to deal with it. my mom texted me she's proud of me. I think that's the second time in my life I've heard her say that. well... heard and heard.
I don't deserve it.

I'm just chocking up.

Not Alone

#351
Sceal,

Shame is so difficult to live with. I wish I knew how to make it make it go away for you, me, and all of us.

You are worthy of kindness and care because you ARE, not based on what you do.

Snowdrop

QuoteYou are worthy of kindness and care because you ARE, not based on what you do.

^^^ Absolutely this. You are worthy of kindness. :hug:

Sceal

Thank you both. I am fighting back tears here. I was re-listening to Brene Browns ted talks on vulnerability and on shame. They are good reminders. I have also decided to re-read a book on self-compassion.

I'm riddled with anxiety today. Nauseous and at times I just stop functioning. Which is really poor timing, because I really do need to function this week.
I haven't had a full-blown anxiety attack. Not yet. I hope it won't come to that. Although part of me wish it would come so I could be done with it and maybe it'd release some of the pressure. I had trouble working at work today. Talking about what I need and expect from the coming exhibition is difficult. But once we went down and started doing practical things and it was just me and one other things got a tiny bit better. At least for a little while.
It suck because it feels like I need alot of hand holding right now. And I hate it.

sanmagic7

well, here, sceal, i'm holding your hand virtually - it's the best i can do.  wish i could be by your side for the exhibition, running interference for you if someone starts heading your way who you don't want to deal with.  i'll be there in spirit, tho.

by the by, i hate when i feel that neediness for myself as well.  you're not alone on that one.  but i do think what you questioned earlier, about those of us w/ trauma in our backgrounds having a more difficult time of it when these things loom on our horizons is spot on.   as i've become more aware and overwhelmed, i've made more direct connections to incidents in my past that have set me up for such behaviors, thoughts, and feelings.

i do hope you're able to come up w/ a solid plan for yourself - i, too, think it's a good idea. :thumbup:

sending love and a hug filled w/ creativity :hug:

Sceal

Thank you San, I will need your virtual hand.  :hug:

...

I've slowly been getting the impression that alot of people might show up next week. There is a potentiallity of it anyway, and it's crazy.
(alot of people of course is subjective.) I am freaking out a little bit. I am almost 90% certain that the first "abuser" will show up. I can't call her that, but her action had alot of consequences for me. But she was a child as well at the time, and well - it's called something else then. I just can't remember the terminology. I haven't had any contact with her for over a decade. Someone who knows her told me she'll be there, along with her parents. I'm nauseaous, but I am not in contact with my emotions surrounding her. I don't think I have forgiven her, but I don't think she ever understood the damage she caused way back then. I don't even think I'm all that scared of meeting her, I think it's more the fact that I'm realising that there might be alot of people coming. People who wants to support me, who are curious as to what I've made and want to show up and.. !@£€#¤§  that could potentially mean I've had an impact on people's life.. and... that's CRAZY!
I've always assumed I never had any impact. I'm forgettable. Invisible.
And now I have to accept that my view of myself might not be in accordance with how things really are. And that is confusing as !¤%"#. I don't quite know what to make out of it. And I don't even know what it looks like if it's not what I see it as.

sanmagic7

`you've got it, my dear.  standing next to you the whole time.

abuser by any other name, etc.  bully, enabler, passive onlooker - it all causes damage, so i don't know how important it is to get the exact terminology correct.

you've already had an impact on peoples' lives here, sceal.  your art is just another facet of how you impact people.  i know you've impacted my life in a very positive way, and i'm grateful for you being in the world.

love and hugs :hug:

Not Alone

Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 19, 2020, 01:40:11 AM
you've already had an impact on peoples' lives here, sceal.  your art is just another facet of how you impact people.  i know you've impacted my life in a very positive way, and i'm grateful for you being in the world.
:yeahthat:

With you in spirit.

Sceal

Thank you guys.
My head is spinning and my stomach is just full of knots.

talked to Lady T last night. She also said I'd had a impact on her life. which was strange. But nice, yet I do doubt her on this.

I'm so tired. and so energetic and restless all at once. Exhausting!

sanmagic7

hey, sceal,

as a t myself, i understand how your lady t could say you've had an impact on her life and mean it.  we see clients continue on thru their struggles, deal with sometimes immense amounts of pain, and manage to continue living life even amidst a torrent of emotional upheaval.  we see them persevere during the darkest of times, battling demons of mighty proportions.  it is a profound experience for a t, and we can garner strength and resilience from watching how our clients keep on keepin' on.  we also learn so much about different perspectives, ways to cope, and meanings for behaviors, which in turn can help us become better at not only our professions but our own lives.  absolutely they can have an impact on us! 

i hope you can un-spin, and those knots untangle.  love you, sweet sceal.   :hug: