Sceal's third journal

[Not Alone]

Hearing your feelings of vulnerability and sadness. 

[sanmagic7]

my sweet sceal, 

with everything that's going on (and i'm so glad to hear that you're feeling better), i think what's most important is to be strong for yourself first and foremost.  the idea of checking in with yourself is, i think, really beneficial, and i hope you can continue to remember to do so.  that way, you'll know just how much strength/energy you have to give to someone else.

unfortunately, i think a lot of us have been taught to live in an all or nothing way of thinking, and we haven't been taught how to assess our own needs and levels so that we can give to others what is left over after giving to ourselves.  i once heard this - don't give away more than you have.  that's always stuck with me, cuz i thought it made a lot of sense.  i can see how i was always giving away more than i had in the past - always! - and the terrible toll it took on me.

glad you were able to walk in the rain.  we do that here quite a bit.  my d once asked me if i minded that, i told her that 'i don't shrink, so it doesn't bother me'.  not that i walk in a torrential downpour, but soft rains make everything smell fresh, and i love that.

we're with you, sceal.  you've lost a lot in a short amount of time - perhaps that's where your sadness is stemming from?  sending a hug filled with love and enough strength for you first.

[Hope67]

Dear Sceal,
I am glad you found some nice moments - when you walked in the rain, that sounds lovely.  I want to send you a hug that is safe  and say that I'm thinking of you. 
Hope 

[Sceal]

Tomorrow and Tuesday I am supposed to get the last of my stuff and clean out the appartment, but I don't think he has found a new place. How can I then clean out and hand in my keys. I can't get rid of the bed if he is still using it.

people around me are telling me it is not my responsibility. I get that. I am so dam"#%d tired of hearing it. It doesn't help me, it doesn't change how I feel.
I feel worn out. I feel stressed out of my skin. I feel incredible lazy. I feel like a terrible human person who is more or less pushing him out on the street. With Covid19 going on there are no hotels or airbnb that he could rent last minute either. Even if he could have afforded it.
I know this is all on him. That he has had 7 months warning and time to prepare. But that doesn't change anything right now. It doesn't change the facts of the situation. He is going to text the landlady to see if he can stay an extra week as his housing with his friend didn't work out. His friend doesn't want it to happen because of covid19.

I am so tired. my body hurts. I am on edge. I am trying to motivate myself to do anything. something. Just something that will get me through this day. But I just feel... like shi"#¤.

I am sorry for complaining. And I am sorry that I still, even after 6 months, doesn't have the energy to read in other folks journals and comment much. People here have been so helpful and supportive - I need it. And it sucks I have nothing to give but gentle thoughts and long-distance support.

I generally feel useless and helpless.

[Sceal]

I also keep forgetting I'm in a depression.

[Not Alone]

Sceal, I wish I had words that would bring you comfort, that would release you from the burden you carry. I care. I feel sad that you are feeling so much pain and anguish.

[Sceal]

Thank you notalone. *gentle hug* if that's okay

[sanmagic7]

i, too, wish there was something to do or say that would be helpful.  sending love, tho, and a long distance hug.  i believe in you.

[Sceal]

 

So far today I feel very little. There's something going on in my stomach, but I'm not quite sure what it is. Potentially stress and anxiety. But I try not to feel too much on it. Hopefully I can avoid feeling much until the next few days so I can burrow myself in a blanket and watch silly movies and forget the world a little bit when the emotions finally take control.

[sanmagic7]

i'm right next to you watching silly movies - it's good to take a break from everything once in a while, and silly movies can definitely help.  love and hugs, sceal

[Sceal]

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I should be relieved, optimistic, less stressed, looking to a better future.. be happy or positive. But I'm not.
My ex finally got a place today, it's not perfect. it's not great. It's okay. It's got a good location, and his room is spacious enough for him and his things. It's bigger than the one I got right now. But I'm not living with several strangers in a dirty place. I'm not sure if it was just a bad timing that we came to look at the place today, but I don't know. I got this bad feeling in my gut. I can't shake it.
Maybe it's just all the stress leaving my body. Maybe it's a genuine gut feeling that another shoe is about to drop. Maybe it is simply the fact that this is so REAL now that it is all actually over.

I am just hurting so bad. And no matter how many times my friends are trying to tell me it's his own doing that he left it for so long, that I have gone above and beyond for my ex. that I need to focus on me now. It just.. I feel so incredible AWFUL.
I don't really deserve to feel good though.

[sanmagic7]

sending lots of love to you, sceal, and a caring hug to embrace you, gather you in till all your bad feelings pass.

[Sceal]

  Thank you San, dear

[Sceal]

I have now moved out all of my things, all of his things.
I've scrubbed the floors, walls, kitchen, windows. Everything in the old place. It's taken me so many hours and days of my life getting out of that place. Although the landlady were kind people and always helpful if we needed it, it is good getting out.
The only thing that remains is getting my deposit back, I hope there wont be any problems there. I do need the money. Although ex-roomie has said he will pay me back half of it if they take anything off the deposit. But I can't expect that money for another year.
I need it now so I can get myself a new phone. I've lost mine to the concrete floors a few times too many so the phone is acting up more often than not. And also... I do want something new and shiny too.

I feel better now than I have in a long time, although things still feel like everything is on hold. I have this nagging feeling though, that I am not completely done with my ex-roomie. That he will still have some problems going forwards, but I am hoping he wont involve me too much in that. I am not apt at letting go, I don't have the concience for it.  I don't know if it's part of my PF, my learning, or just who I am. But I hate not helping if I know I am able to. Even if it costs me too much.

I called the bank the other day to ask if i could get a loan. They said no. So that's my dream shattered of having a place of my own that I could do whatever I want with. I am not sure how to move forward with this yet, I might have to look into alternative possibilities before I give up on the dream entirely.  I'm not ready to move yet anyway, I need time to rest before I even start thinking about the possibilities.

[Snowdrop]

You sound much better, Sceal. I'm delighted.