Family rejection as the scapegoat

[Wattlebird]

Hi blues cruise
As a "former" golden child, I think finally free is quite right in her quote.

Strong people speak up and the scapegoat is the strongest one emotionally and mentally in the family. This is why they were assigned the role in the first place.

My scapegoat sister was always the one to speak up at injustice and cruelty, I was assigned peacemaker and golden child, this so messed with me that I could not tolerate any acknowledgment of disfunction in my foo until this last couple of years, I am ashamed at the way we treated her, she became mentally ill and has long since suffered as a result of this dynamic, I lived under the delusion I was a wonderful person, but have since worked out that this too was a false picture of who I am, when I worked out this reality I was sent off into psychosis myself, my m recently told me she no longer thought I was the Saint she assumed I was, my response was "thank god" as I had stopped jumping to her beck and call.
It is hard to acknowledge your faults or the faults of your foo when you can "do no wrong"  I feel pity for your siblings, but want to tell you not to rely on support from them as it may be too difficult for them to acknowledge your pain, it doesn't fit with their reality and to accept that it's true will turn their lives upside down.
I'm sorry that you were the scapegoat, I wish your siblings were there for you like I wish I was there for my s.

[Blueberry]

Sorry for the little hijack blues_cruise. Thanks so much for writing this Wattlebird honestly from position of ex Golden Child.

blues_cruise, I've read that over on OOTF that the strongest child turns into Scapegoat. Took a long time for me to even start to believe that. FOO always told me how weak I was. But yeah, I was always standing up for other people, often to the detriment of myself.

Same in my FOO I'm expected to "stick to the rules and stay 'in my place' " Bit by bit I'm stopping that. It has taken me an enormous amount of energy and courage so far but it's working for me. Of course, I'm losing FOO, but I'm gaining myself.

Recently a friend gave me something to think on. We undoubtedly all know that saying about "keeping the peace" by staying silent in FOO. Well, this friend asked "Whose peace? Am I allowed some peace too? Or is that 'peace' only for certain people?"

[Contessa]

Same in my FOO I'm expected to "stick to the rules and stay 'in my place' " Bit by bit I'm stopping that. It has taken me an enormous amount of energy and courage so far but it's working for me. Of course, I'm losing FOO, but I'm gaining myself.

So true

[finallyfree]

It's so sad, you can't know or become who you really are until you stop being what they demand, their personal scapegoat. Which enables them to never ever have to take any responsibility for any of the abusive things they do or say. Contessa is absolutely correct, we have lived a life with our FOO where we were damned no matter what we did. Stand up for yourself or anyone else and be punished. Stay silent, allow the abuse to continue to perpetuate and most likely just get smear campaigned behind your back anyway. So destructive and undeserving of such caring, emotionally intelligent, kind people. I am
A true empath. My family didn't deserve me and never ever appreciated me at all. So sad................. I am so sorry for all of us that have sadly endured this and hope and pray we will all move forward in a positive better future. We definitely deserve it.

[finallyfree]

My sincere apologies if I hijacked this post from you blues, was honestly never my intention.
Finallyfree 

[Rainydaze]

I feel pity for your siblings, but want to tell you not to rely on support from them as it may be too difficult for them to acknowledge your pain, it doesn't fit with their reality and to accept that it's true will turn their lives upside down.

This is true, brother has openly admitted in the past that he sticks his head in the sand. When he did attempt to acknowledge things for the way they really are he developed a deep depression. I did too when the fog first started clearing for me, but since I was damned either way reputation wise, the option to suck it up and revert to golden child mode wasn't there. In the long term I think this is a blessing. Thanks for your post, Wattlebird. It is really refreshing to see someone allocated the golden child role to have such clarity on it all. 

Recently a friend gave me something to think on. We undoubtedly all know that saying about "keeping the peace" by staying silent in FOO. Well, this friend asked "Whose peace? Am I allowed some peace too? Or is that 'peace' only for certain people?"

And that there hits the nail squarely on the head!  It's family rules and dynamics in play designed to mark us as the troublemakers. We're basically expected to forego our personal freedoms and live a life of misery to 'keep the peace'. So messed up.

My sincere apologies if I hijacked this post from you blues, was honestly never my intention.
Finallyfree 

Don't worry, you didn't hijack anything. It's been really good to see people contributing and if this thread has helped other people process the issue then all the better. 

[finallyfree]

  to you Blues!!! Wishing you a calm, peaceful, happy new year.
Finallyfree

[sj]

I'm really sorry about your situation, blues_cruise, but I'm grateful that you started this thread. I relate to so much of what has been discussed here, so it's been really helpful. I have so many equivalents and comments I could make, but it's often difficult to feel in the right head-space to get into it all that I often just have to leave it. I sometimes contemplate starting a thread, but it often seems too hard. So again, thank you for starting one and providing the opportunity for others to flesh out some of these dynamics. 

I will say make one point/ observation - I continue to be amazed and fascinated that these are patterns of behaviour and types of experience that otherwise disconnected people all around the world experience in an astoundingly similar way. Isn't it weird that we all can understand each other so well, even though we are essentially strangers to each other and our lives are so far apart? Kinda blows my little mind  . It's also comforting, somehow, and helps to depersonalise the crazy a bit.

[Kizzie]

I will say make one point/ observation - I continue to be amazed and fascinated that these are patterns of behaviour and types of experience that otherwise disconnected people all around the world experience in an astoundingly similar way. Isn't it weird that we all can understand each other so well, even though we are essentially strangers to each other and our lives are so far apart? Kinda blows my little mind  . It's also comforting, somehow, and helps to depersonalise the crazy a bit.

Well said sj.  We really are 'reacting normally to an abnormal situation' given we develop a common set of symptoms (versus being defective, weak or crazy as so many of us fear). Same for adopting family roles like Scapegoat or Golden Child, it's all about trying to 'manage' the abnormal (trauma) in as normal a way as possible, but in the end just prolongs/worsens things.

[Contessa]

Seconded SJ. Well said.

Returning to one of Blueberry's rhetorics of  'Am I allowed some peace too?' I had to lose five brothers and sisters and all the attached friends and family with them to get some semblance of it.

There is no peace either way. It was a choice to keep myself alive.

[Rainydaze]

to you Blues!!! Wishing you a calm, peaceful, happy new year.
Finallyfree

Thank you so much Finallyfree, I wish the same for you too.  and everyone else here also. 

I'm really sorry about your situation, blues_cruise, but I'm grateful that you started this thread. I relate to so much of what has been discussed here, so it's been really helpful. I have so many equivalents and comments I could make, but it's often difficult to feel in the right head-space to get into it all that I often just have to leave it. I sometimes contemplate starting a thread, but it often seems too hard. So again, thank you for starting one and providing the opportunity for others to flesh out some of these dynamics. 

I will say make one point/ observation - I continue to be amazed and fascinated that these are patterns of behaviour and types of experience that otherwise disconnected people all around the world experience in an astoundingly similar way. Isn't it weird that we all can understand each other so well, even though we are essentially strangers to each other and our lives are so far apart? Kinda blows my little mind  . It's also comforting, somehow, and helps to depersonalise the crazy a bit.

I totally understand about being in the right head space to get into it all. It is so therapeutic to talk about these things and I think it's the healthy thing to do, however it is really overwhelming. I think this is why this forum is so great because there's no pressure to be or do anything and it's really caring and forgiving (for instance when I'm really slow to respond!) It's so nice to just work through things gently.

Yep, I'm always amazed at how similarly I feel to others with dysfunctional families. Offline I talk myself into being 'the crazy one' and then when I read other people's stories I see so many similarities. Because I feel compassion for how other people feel having gone through it it then becomes easier to feel compassion for myself.     

[beingme]

All of you. OMG how all your stories resonate with me. I find this sad as well.

I am only at the beginning of my journey to healing as a 53 year old realising I have been the scapegoat to Narcissistic older sisters created by a violent chaotic childhood of two very damaged individuals.

decades of gaslighting and the emotional and physical abuse as a child left me feeling like I could never be healed, but even though it is an emotional roller coaster just learning about all these concepts I feel hope of recovery like I never have before.

Stay strong

[Kizzie]

Because I feel compassion for how other people feel having gone through it it then becomes easier to feel compassion for myself.

This is exactly why being here helps     Glad to hear this Blues! 

[Wattlebird]