hi Plantsandworms
I very much relate to your situation, including in feeling all mixed up about it.
My mother wrote me a letter a while back, sometime after I had been NC then carefully communicated MC. She acknowledged some significant things I had raised with her about our problematic past and apologised for aspects of it. In many ways it was a big deal for her to have made that step, and it came across as heartfelt and genuine. There was a part of me that melted and wanted to reach out. Showing my T, who I had not been seeing long at that time, she initially thought it was very touching and positive. But........
My greatest response was fury and contempt. For all the apparent sincerity her references were very minimised and augmented retelling of events. She was completely letting herself off the hook for the extent of her own extremely cruel, damaging behaviour, which she minimised to 'inadequate'. It was a cop-out. Also, completely failed to mention a willingness to attend counselling, as I had suggested twice (as last gasp attempt) and she cruelly dismissed. She wrote that she really wanted to reestablish a better relationship with me and that she hoped we could have that in the future, and the thought I had was -
'You 'hope' things can be better? So what's your action plan for that? Are you going to wish upon a star?!'. Again, she was copping out, side-stepping. There were other problems too, but basically, it was clear what she was 'apologising' for was not what needed to be apologised for and was falling WAY short of the mark for what has really gone down.
On one hand, I do believe it is important to recognise any positive step and genuine attempt to reach out and mend. But to my mind, the problems and discrepancies are continuations of all the dysfunctional patterns and behaviours that have driven me to
have to go MC/NC. They are evidence that denial, avoidance, minimisation, etc are still at play. And I feel extra angry because I feel guilty about feeling angry at something so ostensibly loving and positive.
This has just been too much for me to get a clear enough grasp on, or clarity in, to be able to respond to that letter specifically, even though I have maintained communication on other more mundane matters via email.
I have been thinking of starting a draft response, and while I don't know, yet, how I will navigate all of these issues, I do feel even more clear, now, that ANY meaningful reconciliation MUST involve counselling. I'm no longer willing to risk my health and safety without that professionally bounded and informed guard rail. I think it has been good for me to wait in responding because I've protected myself from my peace-making, accomodating aspect of self as well as not going in with my rage and fury burning her up with blame. Waiting has given me time and space to try and get a clearer sense of what
my needs are and what boundaries have to be in place to protect those. I highly doubt she will go down the counselling route, but by telling her my boundaries the ball is back in her court. It's for her to step-up. I'm all out of trust enough to increase contact without my stipulations. The stakes are too high for me and I'm done with going around that mince-mill with her or the rest of them.
So, from my perspective, I suggest sitting on your response until you have a chance to discuss with your T. I do think it is important to work out what your boundaries are with ongoing communication/ relationship before you open yourself up to the warm fuzzy feelings and longing to connect. It's easy and natural to feel drawn in by that, and in an ideal world.......... But we know from repeated bad experience that our families are not healthy and have not done enough work on matters of boundaries to be able to trust them. Tread carefully, I say, and make sure you prioritise your safety above all else.
