A good idea turned out to be an order?

[FriendOfHobbits]

Hey guys, new member here. I would like to share with you a brief description of an experience I had last night. You could say that I was startled and shocked by how harshly I
judged myself towards the end of the evening. I feel like I've been making good progress in my life, flashbacks and inner criticism has been at relativelty low levels.


I had been sitting around at home for most of the day, leaving my home only to take a refreshing walk. I played some guitar and studied different things relating to my difficulties in life.(Be it affirmations, NLP, advice on narcissism or what have you) I can say that for the first time in a long time, I can actually spend prolonged periods of time by myself without feeling extremely anxious and sad. As I study, and do things that I consider to be in my own best interest, taking care of myself and so on, I typically have a lot of ideas coming into my head. Most ideas seem to be of super quality when they spring to mind, don't they? I had this idea that I should observe myself the coming evening, not speak without some reflection and try to notice what I do(I sometimes suspect that I'm very self-absorbed and I have a tendency to take over conversations, something I in turn feel very guilty about).


What ended up happening is that I had a glass of whiskey, watched a movie, played some guitar, talked to my familty and had a good time. I completely forgot about my idea.
Now I don't think this is a big deal but it spiralled my mood down into a very dark and punishing place as I went home. My normally so hesitant and vigilant outlook were completely gone. I felt completely fearless and ready, ready for something - anything. My thoughts turned both inwards and out into the world at that time. I have enough awareness of this pattern so I didn't get completely lost in the turmoil, but I still find it bewildering that it arose in this situation, I can't quite grasp the roots of it.



Could it be that the idea I got in a flash earlier that eventing were more like a command in its nature? I didn't seem to ponder the idea at all, I just sort of accepted it instantly and then basically forgot about, only getting sternly reminded once the night was over. I felt completely failed, why did I not accept this idea that seemed to perfectly reasonable and good? How could I forsake it? Did the inner taskmaster order me to observe myself that evening only to lash me later when I failed? I didn't even know that it was a command. But now I kind of view it as such. Does that seem familar to anyone? It came in as an idea, optional and good-natured but it was really not that. As I am typing this out, I can still feel the lash from last night. 'Your language is crap', 'You come across as cold and selfish' and so on. Hope this makes sense.

Add: Perhaps one avenue to explore is when the idea comes in, one needs to care for it as the important entity that it is. Carefully acknowledge it or carefully dismiss it. This sounds so obvious but it feels a bit like a revelation to me.


cheers /FoH