Not sure what's wrong with me

[Allison1984]

Hi my names Allison and I'm 34
I have a long history of complex trauma and have suffered from Anxiety disorders all my life .
My main issue is my memory I have a very patchy memory about most my life and also large chunks of memories that are gone .
The thing that bothers me the most is when I do have a memory weather it's a bad one or a good one I have absolutely no emotional response to it it's as if my past wasn't mine or didmt happen to ME .
I see most people have strong emotions attached to past memories but I have nothing and its driving me crazy ..
Does anyone know why this is ?
How do I get my emotions attached to my past memories  ?
I'm starting therapy at the end off this month but just seeing if anyone else is like this and knows what it is
Thanks

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Allison.   

CPTSD can cause memory issues to be sure. There's some info about that here - https://www.nicabm.com/trauma-how-trauma-can-impact-4-types-of-memory-infographic/.  There's also a sub-forum where you might find some other info here - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=244.0.

The thing that bothers me the most is when I do have a memory weather it's a bad one or a good one I have absolutely no emotional response to it it's as if my past wasn't mine or didmt happen to ME . I see most people have strong emotions attached to past memories but I have nothing and its driving me crazy .. Does anyone know why this is ? How do I get my emotions attached to my past memories  ?

I'm not a professional so I don't know for sure but give you have experienced trauma, likely this is how you protected yourself in the past and continue to do so. It would be a great question to bring up and work on with your new therapist   

[Three Roses]

Hi and welcome, Allison! Glad you're here. This is a great place to receive information, validation and support for everything you are going thru with CPTSD.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum Allison 

The thing that bothers me the most is when I do have a memory weather it's a bad one or a good one I have absolutely no emotional response to it it's as if my past wasn't mine or didmt happen to ME .
I see most people have strong emotions attached to past memories but I have nothing and its driving me crazy ..
Does anyone know why this is ?
How do I get my emotions attached to my past memories  ?

Based on my experiences, I agree with Kizzie on lacking emotions with memories: it's one of our mechanisms of self-protection. The emotions will attach themselves to memories at roughly the rate you can manage it. otoh if you push it too much or are in non-trauma-informed therapy and the therapist pushes it too much, that can backfire. That happened to me quite a few times.

My present therapist, who is trauma-informed, had to spend a lot of time teaching me not to feel those emotions so strongly. Other types of therapy had brought me way too close to all that pain, anger and other indescribable feelings and I used to get flooded. If you read around on here, you'll also come across posts of people who are so angry / hurt they don't know what to do with it. Half an hour of that is one thing, days and weeks is another, especially if you haven't learnt and practised grounding techniques yet. Easy does it with trauma therapy.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi allison
I can relate completely ...numbing and numbness have  been very prevalent for me but not so much now ...therapy def helped me identify and feel emotions....
We are each where we are at and that is OK ...for me what helps is feeling in my heart in the present the rest will heal given the space, time and nurturing

[bluepalm]

Hi Allison,
I can relate so much to what you say about your memory. Huge chunks of my life are just a blank to me. I don't remember people or events from most of my life - just isolated incidents or impressions - and I marvel at people who can recount stories from their past complete with details and conversations. And what you say about having no emotional response to a memory also rings true. I can recount a few instances of what would be called abuse from my childhood but while I do so it feels as if I'm describing what happened to someone else, not me. I need to understand this more. I will follow the links given in other responses. Anyway, I just wanted to say you are certainly not alone.

[Not Alone]

Hi Allison,
My therapist has told me several times that "dissociation is a gift." Being separated from our memories and feelings was the way our brains reacted to survive abuse. Glad you are seeing a therapist at the end of the month. I agree with Blueberry that memories and feelings will come at the right time. "The emotions will attach themselves to memories at roughly the rate you can manage it. otoh if you push it too much or are in non-trauma-informed therapy and the therapist pushes it too much, that can backfire. " Unlike previous therapy I experienced, I am learning to not push for memories or feelings. Be kind and gentle with yourself.