need for a sense (ANY sense) of justice -- seeking advice

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saylor

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need for a sense (ANY sense) of justice -- seeking advice
« on: January 07, 2019, 09:40:46 PM »
My F was physically and emotionally very brutal with me and my sibling during the first ~decade of my life. Then my parents divorced and my F married a woman with a child who was near me in age (let's call that child Pat).
I had decided to go NC with my F shortly after reaching adulthood, because he refused to acknowledge and take any responsibility for the atrocities he committed toward me and my blood sibling growing up. My blood sibling also went NC. I think if my F had been contrite and willing to discuss things and had tried to make some sort of amends, I would have been able to forgive him, and maybe even been a regular part of his life. He didn't, so I did what I could to forget about him (and all this time, I didn't realize I had CPTSD, but I was suffering from all kinds of symptoms, yet trudging on).
He died roughly a decade after the estrangement began (we weren't told he had been dying--so it was a surprise, albeit not an unpleasant one, to find out about his passing).
Turns out that my F more or less stiffed me and my blood sibling in the will (he left us each tiny, "symbolic" amounts), but left a sum a little higher than the average annual salary in my country (USA) to Pat (i.e., not an absolute ton of money, but not too shabby, either). He left the residual estate to my stepM, and I have no idea what that might have been, but it could easily have been in the hundreds of thousands of $. His death occurred almost 2 decades ago.
Needless to say, his prank of including me and my blood sibling in the will, for laughably tiny amounts, was a slap in the face, just as he had intended. Among other things, it was effectively a public assassination of our character, designed to lead others (like Pat??) to believe we were bad people and deserved to be stiffed by him. In addition, I'll admit that it kind of stings that someone else effectively profited off the misery that I endured as an abused child-turned-adult who never got to see any justice, and on top of it, I got unfairly demonized by him! Such an insult added to heaps of prior injury (by one's own F, no less).
When my F was still alive, I never talked to anyone about the years of abuse I had endured at his hands. I think I was too afraid of him finding out and retaliating. Because of this, I have no idea whether Pat understands what was behind Pat's magical windfall of money when my dad died. Pat never mentioned anything about it to me, but cheerfully took possession of the funds. It's hard to make peace with the fact that someone (who, BTW, when we were growing up, didn't like my F any more than I did), profited indirectly off my personal history of abuse. It's hard to contain the resentment and indignation that unfortunately persists today.
So here's my question:
Should I write to Pat to let Pat know about my history with my F?
The reason I'm thinking of doing this is because, given all that was done to me, starting with the beatings, followed by his unwillingness to hear me out and take responsibility, followed by the decades that I've suffered CPTSD symptoms, followed by being unfairly demonized (sort of like victim-blaming) by him in the will... all this is too much for me to bear. I need some kind of outlet, preferably in the form of "justice". The only type of "justice" I think I might have access to, given that my F is dead now and doesn't have to answer for anything himself, is to "out" him to Pat (FWIW, I've already outed him to my stepM, but it's not at all clear that she cares about my story--I think it would be too inconvenient for her to show any kind of concern, given the fact that she, too, profited off my misery).
I guess it really boils down to wanting Pat to realize how evil my F was, and that I'm not a "bad guy". I want my F's memory to be justly sullied and my own good name to be restored. I don't think it's fair that Pat was able to enjoy that money and not know the sordid story behind it. I feel like I can't rest until I make it known. Unless this isn't already obvious, I'm not thinking of doing this out of any belief that Pat might share some of the proceeds with me. It would have made me have more respect for Pat, if Pat had extended an offer, but that's not what I'm expecting to get (or even looking for, really).
Can anybody relate to this? What would you do? I talked with my one really close friend about this, and she's totally on my side in life, but I sensed that she thought I was a little crazy when I bounced this idea off her (she knows Pat, BTW). That was a bit of a reality check on my state of mental health. But then again, she has never had to deal with anything even close to this kind of situation (not the abuse itself, or the nasty parting shot in the will).
I realize that it's almost certain that nothing tangible will come of this, and I guess it's possible (depending upon whether Pat chooses to respond, and what that response is like) that I'll end up feeling even worse. I'm actually not hoping for a response, though. I just need to get this off my chest--expose the hideousness of it. I keep vacillating between sending the message and not. If I don't do it, I think it will eat me alive. I wonder whether the CPTSD itself (e.g., preoccupation with justice) is adding to my insanity over this. :'(
« Last Edit: January 08, 2019, 12:53:07 AM by saylor »

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Rainagain

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Re: need for a sense (ANY sense) of justice -- seeking advice
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2019, 12:47:40 AM »
This is so complicated and highly charged for you.

My thought is that pat was also a child and not part of the abuse you suffered.

He may have experienced something similar, but could only bear witness to his own situation not yours.

So, there is no justice, redress or anything useful to you in seeking validation from pat, and it might go badly.

I think a good therapist would be a much better option for you, I don't see how pat has any responsibility for what happened to you. Pat probably wouldn't understand, a therapist would.

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saylor

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Re: need for a sense (ANY sense) of justice -- seeking advice
« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2019, 01:06:01 AM »
Thanks for your feedback, Rainagain.
Just to clarify, I'm not trying to suggest that Pat is responsible, and I'm not seeking validation from Pat. I just want Pat to know the story behind why my F treated me and my sibling so poorly in the will (from which Pat, in turn, benefited). I guess I think it's only fair for Pat to know the backstory. My thought is that that small sliver of fairness might help me feel better, But who knows? Maybe I'll never get to feel better about all that was done to me. I'm in a wild goose chase for justice that I may never realize--not even a little. It's hard to deal with. But that's the ugly world we live in.

ETA: It just occurred to me that my moments of feeling a desperate need to tell my story probably coincide with EFs. I just feel this tidal wave of indignation sweeping over me, and I get pulled into something really emotionally intense. I feel so lost and I hate this so much...
« Last Edit: January 08, 2019, 02:37:38 AM by saylor »

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Libby183

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Re: need for a sense (ANY sense) of justice -- seeking advice
« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2019, 07:57:01 AM »
Oh my goodness, saylor. I really sympathise with you, and I think I know exactly where you are coming from.

I have been nc with my abusive parents for many years and assume I have been disinherited. They were obsessed with money and suggested even before nc that they would leave their money to GC sister, because she didn't need it. I didn't want their money but now I am divorcing and will be on my own, unable to work due to CPTSD, I have started to feel that they owe me, as they are the absolute root of my suffering. And, yes, I agree that Efs seem to be involved.

I would love to think that we could get some sense of justice and some peace of mind. But I don't see it happening. The way we were all treated was absolutely horrendous but people don't really care.

I agree with rainagain, but I also think that if telling your story made you feel better, that's not necessarily a bad thing, if you accept in advance, that it probably won't change the views of anyone else involved.

I am so sad that we are all struggling, day in and day out.

Take care.

Libby.

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finallyfree

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Re: need for a sense (ANY sense) of justice -- seeking advice
« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2019, 11:20:28 AM »
Dear Saylor,
I understand how you feel. I was disowned and therefore went NC with my parents, I am sure I was immediately written out of their will. I was disowned over my GC sisters lies and bad behavior. They were extremely generous with her and my GC brother and their children, they were the opposite with me and my child. Itís hurtful all I did and all the abuse I took and the GCís will get everything, especially when I am alone. I never cared about their money I only attempted to care about them. Looking back itís just so unfair and wrong.

My suggestion to you is to write a letter and get it all down on paper how your feeling and why. Take your time writing it and revising it. When your done perhaps you will feel better and wonít want to send it.

I did this and it helped me get my anger towards my family out. So I never sent the letter.  Just my humble suggestion, I hope you feel better. Know your definitely not alone.   :hug:
Finallyfree


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saylor

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Re: need for a sense (ANY sense) of justice -- seeking advice
« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2019, 04:27:25 AM »
I really appreciate your feedback, all of you. I ended up feeling much better after reading your messages. I feel heard, and that really seems to help. I feel better enough that I'm less inclined to contact Pat. I'm not positive I'll never do it (and who knows how I'll feel when the next EF rolls in--I'm really dreading that), but at least for now, I feel more at peace and less desperate to seek justice that I know I may never come close to finding.
Finallyfree, I like the idea of writing the letter and revising it, whether I send it or not. I have drafted something, and that process itself seems to have helped somehow. Libby, I feel for you right now. Divorce is bad enough, but sprinkle in some CPTSD, and it sounds like a nightmare to contend with. Both of you, I'm sorry that you're being singled out in favor of the GCs. That's one thing that I can't relate to directly because both my blood sibling and I were apparently equally despised by our father.
Every day is a challenge. I wish it were better for all of us. But I am glad we can share our thoughts and feelings, and offer each other support. I really am. Hugs to you all
By the way, one thing I can say, for what it's worth is, is even though my F was obviously trying to punish me and my blood sibling for the estrangement by disinheriting us, I would not change anything about how I handled things while he was still alive. I do not regret going NC at all. If anything, his disinheriting me only solidifies my belief that he didn't deserve to have me in his life as a doting, adult daughter. If he wanted to shame me, or make me feel regret about the estrangement, he failed miserably. I say this in order to offer my own perspective from the experience I had. I realize that this information might be of interest for anyone who has chosen to go NC with a parent who refused to ever acknowledge the damage they did to their child. Your mileage may vary, of course, but that was my experience. He only showed me how very right I was to eliminate him from my life. I'm glad I didn't compromise my principles, sanity, dignity, etc. by kissing up to him, my unrepentant tormentor, while he was still alive
Peace

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Libby183

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Re: need for a sense (ANY sense) of justice -- seeking advice
« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2019, 07:51:15 AM »
So pleased that you have worked through this issue and found a place where you feel comfortable.

I just wanted to echo what you said. I, too, would not change my approach to no contact with my parents despite the rubbish situation I find myself in now.

Well done to you.

Libby.

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finallyfree

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Re: need for a sense (ANY sense) of justice -- seeking advice
« Reply #7 on: January 09, 2019, 12:32:11 PM »
Saylor,
Glad your feeling a little better. Stay strong, I hope you find peace moving forward and in my opinion what your father did regarding his will shows what he was really like! No reflection on you. I am sure this scenario is in my future and like you, I would never change one thing. Again I never cared about their money, the injustice of the unequal parenting and my GC siblings profiting from lying about me is what hurts. It seems we all have similar situations just different players in the sick games we grew up in. All the best to you and Libby, itís tough.
Finallyfree
« Last Edit: January 09, 2019, 06:41:17 PM by Kizzie »

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Blueberry

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Re: need for a sense (ANY sense) of justice -- seeking advice
« Reply #8 on: January 09, 2019, 05:34:33 PM »
Saylor, I'm glad you're feeling better for having written on here and been heard and validated.

What might help you even more is taking the letter you're working on to Pat and posting it here on the forum under Recovery Letters. For me, there's something about writing my feelings and my truth about the events directly to the person instead of about the person. It's very healing. The fact that the person never receives the information is surprisingly irrelevant.

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saylor

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Re: need for a sense (ANY sense) of justice -- seeking advice
« Reply #9 on: January 10, 2019, 10:13:04 PM »
Good suggestion, Blueberry. Thanks.
I may eventually do that. First Iíll have to be certain I really am never going to communicate directly with Pat. Iím mostly thinking I wonít now, but still not 100% sure

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mourningme

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Re: need for a sense (ANY sense) of justice -- seeking advice
« Reply #10 on: January 11, 2019, 10:18:28 AM »
I read your story and found it heart breakingly similar to one of my family...
"To each of my 8 (biological) children  I leave $100"
Mistress and her scum low life children get the (my last name) family farm, and 4 other properties in our town.
This is what my grandfather did to my dad and all my aunts and uncles... he purposely left "something" so it could not be contested.
Used "the will" to control everyone (even though he broke family up) while alive....forced us all to engage with mistress....only to do that to his own kids in the end. He also happily let all 8 of them literally surround his death bed for 7 straight days knowing exactly what he did.
Sharing so you know you are not alone. Some people are vicious  sickening,  and evil.
My dad got "justice" by pissing on his grave.
Food for thought.