Hurts the most when I need help the most

[SharpAndBlunt]

This is about when I am at my lowest, I might be in a flashback and I can hardly even speak.

People then have spoken really hurtfully in my presence about me, sometimes aware I can hear them, other times thinking I can't hear them.

It's one of the most difficult things for me to deal with. I have a massive amount of hurt and anger over such incidents and find it impossible to forgive and very hard to broach the subject with the person.

This makes relationships almost impossible as I think it is natural to have some kind of nasty language like this. But maybe this is because I'm used to accepting it from my FOO.

I don't know whether to let a promising friendship wither because of this. I feel I am being too intense by bringing it up. And I'm scared I'll be ignored (I'll do it by email). But on the other hand, if I do nothing, the friendship is effectively over.

I have the same issues with some siblings and I have gone very low contact as a result.

At a time when I want to recover and come out of isolation I find I am isolating myself to protect myself. This is a kind of a catch 22 and right now it's making me very stressed. On top of my constant sadness it makes it very hard to act 'normal'.

I hope people reading this recognise it. I just find it really hard to deal with this. I tell myself I just need to grow up and be a man about such things. I also tell myself I need to recover and that is not the way.

My self compassion is still in a very early stage. I might need to be alone while I can develop that enough for healthy relationships.

[Libby183]

Hello again, sharpandblunt.

I think I must have missed this post when you first made it. Hope you don't mind my belated reply.

I hear and understand everything that you say. Any sort of relationships, whether romantic or friendship, are absolute minefields. Like you, I cannot forgive and forget any hurts.

I honestly don't have any advice because isolating seems reasonable when we feel so fragile. I suspect we have spent our lives in these catch-22, double bind situations. I know that I have. Don't be hard on yourself, telling yourself to grow up and be a man. Be kind to yourself and, as you say, take time to heal and healthy relationships might follow. I will never consider getting into another romantic relationship. I have found, however, that I have a few people who seem to care about what I am going through at the moment. It's hard to trust, so I am very careful, but they have given some support. Perhaps there is a little hope for us.

Please take care of yourself.

Libby.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry I missed this post before. I've been a bit withdrawn.

It is not reasonable, kind, or "normal" for people to disparage you while you are present. That seems very manipulative and passive/aggressive to me! Even if they have a legitimate issue to discuss with you, it needs to be done privately and not mean-spirited, and with the goal in mind of mutual understanding and a stronger relationship. And, if sometimes someone loses their temper and acts or speaks inappropriately, there should be an apology.

I would not continue any relationship with anyone who doesn't want to treat me respectfully!

Not being able to speak up for myself, even effectively losing the ability to speak at all, is familiar to me also. One of my least favorite things about CPTSD. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi both, thanks for your replies, both of which are reassuring. I am comforted by the fact that other people recognise what I'm talking about.

I think what for me is hard is learning to get in touch with my emotions and stay grounded at the same time. I'm learning about being more assertive which is helping but at the same time opening up to strong emotions has a high chance of triggering a flashback and fear response.

I have been using avoidance for so long to survive.

It is kind of frustrating. I know it's very personal but people on here can identify and that is what is lovely about posting here. Thanks again.

Best wishes.

SaB