Not sure what this is

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Rainagain

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Not sure what this is
« on: January 11, 2019, 12:35:31 AM »
I've noticed that I have little tolerance with people.

If people upset me I tend to strongly want to have nothing further to do with them. Ever.

Its a powerful response, I become irritated and uncomfortable and if it carries on I get to a point where I will just avoid them totally from that point on.

Its more than losing trust, I see them as a problem to avoid.

Is this a common thing? Or am I just difficult?

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sj

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Re: Not sure what this is
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2019, 04:48:47 AM »
just wanted to quickly say I relate to what you've written

I think it might be getting stronger, in some ways, but I am undecided if that is necessarily a negative thing ..... I think I am learning to feel my feelings and impulses more clearly and learning to honour them without too much over-thinking and rationalising, which I have overused in the past to keep myself in damaging situations and relationship dynamics, so for now I am valuing my aversions a bit more

maybe in future I will feel the need to work with this differently so that I can engage with more things rather than just avoid, but I'll deal with that when it seems I need to address it and in the meantime try to be non-judgemental with myself about it

not sure if that is a useful response, and sorry I can't expand more on what you've said at this point - struggling with a few other things atm, so my thinking is not as clear and comfortable as I'd like for writing
but I wanted to respond and acknowledge

tc

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Rainagain

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Re: Not sure what this is
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2019, 11:47:52 AM »
Thank you for your reply.

I really like your idea of honouring your thoughts and feelings.

I'm going to think about that idea, much better than my usual thinking patterns.

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Libby183

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Re: Not sure what this is
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2019, 08:17:41 AM »
Hi, Rainagain.

Your description of how you feel with regards to people is so very, very familiar to me.

My world had dwindled to my husband and children. Now we are divorcing, it's just going to be me and my dog. I seem to recall that you have dogs and that they are very important to you. I lost trust in my husband quite a while back. I think I have lost trust in my sons and am struggling against the urge to avoid them.

It's not just you being difficult. I am right there with you. Then again, perhaps we are both being difficult! I like sj's ideas and am going to try and think along those lines, as I plan for my future life.

All the best to you.

Libby.

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Rainagain

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Re: Not sure what this is
« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2019, 12:56:50 PM »
Hi Libby.

Well remembered, I do have dogs and they have been brilliant for my well being.

They need care but will never betray, they repay my effort with loyalty. There is something so right and healing in that dynamic, its vital to me.

My two adult kids are wonderful, sadly they are in a different country and I try not to let them see how isolated and tricky my life is for me, they have their own lives to live. I have my dogs, and they really help.

If you can manage it you could perhaps get a second dog, for me their interactions with each other and with me feels like I am part of a pack.

It might sound a bit pathetic but it works for me well.

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Slim

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Re: Not sure what this is
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2019, 08:48:01 AM »
.....losing trust, I see them as a problem to avoid.
Is this a common thing? Or am I just difficult?
That was me, a few years ago.
I lost way too many good friends over the years, becuase I took offence.
But my feelings are my feelings, whether I like them or not.
My therapist talks about the 90/10 rule. The 10% is describing what you did. 90% is reflecting on your feelings.
Still trying to learn that lesson though
Slim

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Rainagain

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Re: Not sure what this is
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2019, 10:53:40 AM »
The idea that it is taking offence is interesting.

Its more like a switch is thrown in my head, its more like an instinct than a feeling of being offended.

I've heard that ocd is an over developed disgust response to mess, germs, whatever.

I seem to have a response like that to betrayal or feeling unsafe with people, it really does feel like an instinct, maybe.

Vulnerable to the knockabout nature of normal relationships, can't do them any more.

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Slim

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Re: Not sure what this is
« Reply #7 on: January 30, 2019, 03:52:27 PM »
The idea that it is taking offence is interesting.

......more like an instinct than a feeling of being offended.....

I seem to have a response like that to betrayal or feeling unsafe with people, it really does feel like an instinct, maybe.


That sounds clearly like hypervigilance, or extreme waryness rather than anything else. I found my paranoia about people was really hypervigilance in disguise. I kept people at arms length becuase it was too anxiety provoking to let them get closer.

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Rainagain

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Re: Not sure what this is
« Reply #8 on: February 01, 2019, 04:29:54 AM »
Well done slim, pretty sure you nailed it for me.

Another piece of the puzzle.

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LilyITV

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Re: Not sure what this is
« Reply #9 on: April 15, 2019, 04:06:20 PM »
Could this be the Outer Critic Pete Walker talks about??