Growing Up Again-Nurture Chart

[BeHea1thy]

Growing Up Again. © 1989, 1998 by Jean Illsely Clarke and Connie Dawson. Published by Hazelden. All rights reserved.
Reproduction for educational purposes is permissible.

THE NURTURE CHART,
Joy, hope, self-confidence, and self-esteem grow from care and support. Despair, joylessness, and loneliness flow from abuse, conditional care, overindulgence, and neglect.

ABUSE icon/symbol of circle with jagged line inside

Characteristics:
Abuse involved relating to a child by assault, physical or psychological invasion, direct or indirect, "don't be" messages. Abuse negate the child's needs.

Example: School-age child has a badly scraped arm.
Parent does not care for wounds. Says, "stop sniffling or I've give you something to cry about." Yells at or shakes the child.

Children May Hear the Following Messages:
You don't count. Your needs don't count. You are not loveable. You don't deserve to exist. To get what you need, you must expect pain.

Common Responses of Children:
Pain in the heart, as well as pain in the scraped arm. Fear, terror, rage, withdrawal, loneliness, despair, shame, confusion about reality.

Decisions Often Made by Children:
I am not powerful. I deserve to die, or the reverse, I will live in spite of them. It's my fault, or I'll blame everything on others. I'll be good or I'll be bad. Big people get to abuse, or I can abuse those smaller than I am, or I will never abuse. I won't feel or have needs. Love does not exist. I am alone; I keep emotional distance from, and don't trust, others. I blame or strike first.


CONDITIONAL CARE icon/symbol of circle with a hook off the side
Characteristics:
Conditional care requires the child to earn care or pay for care in some way. The care the parent gives the child is based on the parent's needs and expectations, not on the child's needs.

Example: School-age child has badly scraped arm.
Parent says, "Stop crying or I won't bandage your arm."

Children May Hear the Following Underlying Messages:
I matter and you don't. Your needs and feelings don't count. You can have care as long as you earn it. Don't believe you are loveable, you have to earn love.

Common Responses of Children:
Pain in the heart, as well as pain in the scraped arm. Fear, terror, anger, mistrust of own perceptions, shame, feelings of inadequacy, suspicious of love.

Decisions Often Made by Children:
I am what I do. I must strive to please. Big people get what they want. I can never do enough. I must be perfect. I don't deserve love. There is scarcity of love. I must be strong. Love obligates me and is costly. I don't trust. I do keep emotional distance, run away or blame others.


ASSERTIVE CARE icon/symbol of black circle

Assertive care recognizes the child and the child's needs. The parent decides to nurture in this way because it is helpful to the child, responsive to the child's needs, and appropriate to the circumstance. It is comforting and loving. It is freely given. Authors display two additional triangle symbols with the tip of one corner highlighted. One point is labeled Recognition. A separate triangle point is highlighted with the label Certainty.

Example: School-age child has badly scraped arm.
Parent cares for wound in a loving way. Says, "Your arm is scraped! I'm sorry."

Children May Hear the Following Underlying Messages:
I love you and you are loveable. You are important. Your needs are important. I care for you willingly.

Common Responses of Children:
Pain in the arm as well as warmth in the heart. Feels comforted, accepted, important, satisfied, relieved, secure, safe and loved.

Decisions Often Made by Children:
I am important. I deserve care. It's okay to ask for what I need. I belong here. I am loved. Others can be trusted and relied upon. I can know what I need. It's okay to be dependent at times.

SUPPORTIVE CAREicon/symbol Circle with gray gradient, lightest in center
Characteristics:
Supportive care recognizes the child and the child's needs. It is care the child is free to accept or reject. It offers help, comfort, and love. It stimulates children to think and do what they are capable of doing for themselves.
Three separate triangles are pictured. Each has a highlighted point. One is labeled recognition. One is labeled Stimulation. One is labeled certainty.

Example: School-aged child has badly scraped arm.
[Parent has already taught child how to clean a scrape. Says in a concerned and loving tone, "I see you've scraped your arm. Does it hurt? Do you want to take care of it yourself or would you like some help from me?" Offers a hug.
 
Children May Hear the Following Messages:
I love you, you are loveable. You are capable. I am willing to care for you. Ask for what you need. Your welfare is important to me. I am separate from you. I trust you to think and make judgments in your own best interest.

Common Responses of Children:
Pain in arm and a heart filled with confidence. Child feels cared for, comforted, challenged, secure and trustworthy.

Decisions Often Made by Children:
I am loved. I can know what I need. I am capable. I can be powerful. I am not alone. It's okay to ask for help. I am both separate and connected. I can decide when to be dependent and when to be independent.

OVERINDULGENCE icon/symbol of outlined circle with concave portion indicating something is missing.
Characteristics:
Overindulgence is a sticky, patronizing kind of care. It promotes continuing dependence on the parent and teaches the child not to think independently and not to be responsible for self or to others.

Example: School-aged child has badly scraped arm:
Parent rushes to child. Says, "Oh, look at your arm, you poor thing. That really stings! I'll bandage it. Go and lie down in front of the television and I'll do your chores for you."

Children May Hear the Following Underlying Messages:
Don't grow up. Don't be who you are (capable). My needs are more important that yours (or) your needs are more important than mine. You don't need to care for yourself, someone will care for you.

Common Responses of Children:
Pain in the arm and uncertainty in the heart. Self-centered satisfaction, temporary comfort, self-righteousness. Later on: confusion, woefulness, helplessness, obligation, resentment, defensiveness, and shame. Not knowing what is enough.

Decisions often made by Children:
I am not capable. I don't have to be competent. I don't have to know what I need, think or feel. Other people are obligated to take care of me. I don't have to grow up. I must be loyal to my indulging parent. To get my needs met, I manipulate or play a victim role. It's okay to be self-centered. Later on: be wary and don't trust.

One more characteristic, Neglect is outlined. Will amend to include it soon.

NEGLECT icon/symbol is a series of short broken lines forming a circle

Characteristics:
Neglect is passive abuse. It is lack of emotional or physical stimulation and recognition by parents who are unavailable or who ignore the needs or the child. These parents may be "there, but not there."

Example: School-age child has badly scraped arm
Parent ignores the scrape. Says, "Don't bother me."

Children May Hear the Following Underlying Messages:
Don't expect to be recognized. Your needs are not important. You are not important. You do not deserve to exist. Expect to suffer to get what you need. Be confused about reality.

Common Responses of Children:
Pain in the heart, as well as pain in the scraped arm. Feelings of abandonment, fear, shame, rage, hopelessness, helplessness, abject disappointment.

Decisions Often Made By Children:
I don't really know who I am or what's right. I am not important. I am not lovable. I die alone or survive on my own. It isn't possible or safe to get close, to trust, or to ask for help. I do not deserve help. What I do doesn't count if someone has to help me. Life is hard.


This concludes the Nurture Chart pages, 1 and 2.