M is coming to town

  • 24 Replies
  • 413 Views
*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 2518
    • View Profile
M is coming to town
« on: January 15, 2019, 06:20:38 PM »
I feel like this is probably the right place to put this. I rarely write in the particular sub thread but goodness knows I could. Anyways it feels right today rather than in my journal.

My M has decided to improptu visit me for 5 days. This has never happened, ever. Any time I have seen her or had her in the city I live in it was very well planned and with other people. Honestly when she brought it up and asked on Sunday, I said yes because I am working on a major emotional shift in regards to her and thought that it could be good for me. However later I realized that it is scary and goodness I have a lot of feelings about it that I did not expect to exist.

There is a level of panic and uncertainty that comes with her being here. I spoke with it extensively with my T last night. Realized that my M and I had never had that much time alone in my life. I am not honestly sure how that will go, or what it will be like. Then the last time she was in town, and really the only two times she has been, it went very poorly for me. It has been multiple years and a lot of healing has happened in that time so we will see.

I was panicked originally because I assumed my M wanted something, or there was some big news she wasn't telling me until she saw me in person. I have asked her and my S to see if there was anything going on, and it honestly seems that my M just wants to visit because she misses me. I wasn't home for the holidays and that is the first time that has happened so she just misses me and has the time off. There is a small voice in my head that doesn't believe that but for now I need to take her at her word, and trust my S as well.

I find that it is painful that my M is showing more interest and support in my life now than she did when I was a kid. She notices things and seems to truly care what I say now... when I was a kid she was so blind or deeply in denial. My T said last night (rather bluntly but I expect it from her when I need it) " Does your mom Dissociate? It would make sense because it would be so impossible to not see what you went through without dissociating or having severe denial." Which is true, and I have had that conversation with my T before when I realized that as a kid I could have only hid so much. Like I was good, but there is no way I was that good. Anyways it is hard to have her showing more caring and support now that I feel like she did my enter childhood. Like as adults we might actually get along and be okay....

My younger parts remember all the instances she was scary or ignored me when I needed her. I can't shake that right now. I am working towards forgiveness, trying to decide what that would look like for me towards her. It has been a work in progress and will remain that way for a while.

Anyways I have just under two weeks until she gets here. She is staying in my apartment and seeing my life, the one I have built and worked so hard to have. It makes me nervous but I am also so in need of it to go well. To have maybe some sort of good relationship with my M which is so confusing. It is against every other fiber of my body that feels like it needs to be guarded and put distance between us. Then there are just the tears that sit at the back of my eyes when thinking about all of this.

This feels like a jumbled post and I appreciate anyone that managed to follow it. Anyone else ever had to have them in town? or maybe feel similar conflicting things?  :Idunno:

*

Kizzie

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • 6820
    • View Profile
Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2019, 10:33:03 PM »
Yikes Elph, the hair on the back on my neck stood up when I read the title of your post and it's not even my M!   :aaauuugh:

I think how you deal with her relies on where you're at and what you're prepared to handle at this point in time.  Two years ago I saw my M and managed quite well, no EFs but then my H and I had things all planned out on how to keep her busy, how to deflect when she started going down an N path and so on.  We managed her throughout her visit and it was quite the dance and orchestration of events and people. Tiring albeit not triggering compared to how things would have gone in the past.

I've often wondered if I am at a stage where I might want to do less managing (b/c it's still mostly about her), and more being who I really am whether she is comfortable with that or not. Recently I have stopped replying to her daily email - sometimes 2-4 of them and stopped playing Scrabble every day with her. I realized I had somehow allowed myself to be drawn back into the too close and present for comfort thing by virtue of the Internet.  Anyway, the sky has not fallen and I am more comfortable. I would not have risked this back in the day b/c of the FOG she would have thrown my way, but it seems we have  come to a bit of an understanding along the way.  Maybe your M is in that place I don't know, but what matters is how you're going to feel before, during and after her visit.

It's crazy isn't it that we feel this much unease over a parent visiting, but there is every good reason and we need to respect that and where we are in this moment imo.   

 :hug:
« Last Edit: January 15, 2019, 10:35:32 PM by Kizzie »

*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 2518
    • View Profile
Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2019, 11:01:08 PM »
Kizzie, I really identify with so much of what you said here. I appreciate you sharing!

Honestly, I thought about planning events and like having a map of what I would do to keep her busy/happy/ entertained etc... and I found that I don't want to do that. She is coming into my home, into a life I am so happy to have built, I will not play host the whole time if I can help it. M says she wants to see the city the way I do, and to just see me so I am going to try to hold her to that. I may not succeed, and I may end up finding it is safe to orchestrate a little more but that is okay. I want to try to see if I am in a place I can just be myself. I won't be open in my daily life about my trauma or about that journey like I am, and will take a bit of pto from work but other than that I want it to be normal life. It feels like I need to be more authentic for myself, even if that makes her less comfy.. whether or not she is in a space for that I don't know, but from what shifts  I have felt from her it is possible. I am determined to try.. but I do feel that large pull to organize and pretty up everything.. to have a schedule and know when I have buffers etc.

Hopefully I can keep the boundaries and goals for myself. She is coming at the time my grad school applications are all due, and I am starting to find out from the earlier ones, etc... Sure has interesting timing. I am determined to be at the distance I need to be and to show her my boundaries in my house. Will be an experiment, that I may fail.

It is crazy we feel this much diease, but goodness it comes from somewhere.. Maybe one day it won't be such an ordeal for us  :hug: :hug:

*

Three Roses

  • Member
  • 2207
  • CPTSD is an injury, not an illness.
    • View Profile
Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2019, 05:37:16 AM »
I was raised in a very violent and chaotic household, full of mental illness and instability. I learned ways of being and acting that I thought were normal. I'm still fighting to really learn how to interact in a calm, functional way. Still learning, in my 60's.

There was a lot of dysfunction in our home while my kids were small. In my unhealed condition, I acted in ignorant, sometimes violent ways while my children were present. Sometimes I was too involved and too controlling, and sometimes too permissive and not involved enough.

I have a good relationship with both my sons, who are now grown. There have been more than a few discussions, with apologies and tears. It's been a sensitive issue, for me, to try to explain what my childhood was like without poisoning my kids' minds against their grandparents, who are passed on now.

I consider myself truly lucky to be given the chance to speak with them in an open and vulnerable manner. They could have closed their hearts against me, but they chose instead to listen to my side of the issue and to respond with understanding and forgiveness.

I say all this in the hope that it gives you confidence to truly be with your mom during her visit, in an open, honest way, in the further hope that one or both of you can achieve a deeper level of healing.

*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 2518
    • View Profile
Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2019, 06:26:10 AM »
Three roses, youíre openness has really helped me to form a different look at this. Maybe just maybe I can come at this with a bit of an open heart. She, like you, grew up in a house that was violent and rage filled... worse than the one I grew up in (yes that is discounting all of the abuse I endured outside of my parents, but that is beside the point here). Her parents were controlling, or absent, and violent from what I know.

The house she gave us was kind of what like you described, too controlling or sometimes not involved enough, it was very polar opposites. Then any sort of conflict or crisis meant yelling and screaming.. maybe the only way she knew to get her voice across (never thought about that but goodness is there some trauma response hidden under that)

In recent years that has shifted, she still has anger issues but she chooses not to yell so much anymore, at least not st me. She in the last few months has seemed to care more about me, and care to ask how I am rather than just talking about herself. Also just more supportive rather than skeptical of my choices.. which is why I (see my newest journal) am starting to forgive her. That makes this trip oddly timed but maybe perfectly, idk.

Your response does encourage me to try to come at this with an open heart at least a little. I donít intend to tell her about my past (she knows of two tiny instances, and they were never talked about again) that doesnít felt safe or timely.. but open as maybe an adult relationship with her. I do see her trying, part of me just doesnít trust it. I worked so hard to no be my M, and to not need her when I was younger.. I donít want to feel like I need her but letting her in st all always bring some back some sort of that need... it is s difficult wound tbh.


I am glad your sons could listen and forgive. Maybe there is hope for me and my M, I want there to be even if right now the idea hurts. Iím not angry so much any more,  i am just hurt. Which is a much more vulnerable place to be in, which could be good and allow me and maybe her to heal... but it could also get me hurt more...

Anyways, I obviously have a lot of conflicted feelings.. this brought tears to my eyes just writing. Thank you for sharing and being so honest. I needed to hear that and think about it in that way. It gives me a reminder that she is trying and some hope that maybe it will be okay.


*

Wattlebird

  • Member
  • 561
    • View Profile
Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2019, 11:01:09 AM »
Thanks for your response 3r and yours elphanigh, it really hit a nerve with me as well. I was just this afternoon talking to my m about how scared she was of her father, even when he was in a nursing home, she said how can a grown adult feel so scared of an old man in a nursing home? She thinks she is strange but I can see the trauma he inflicted has disturbed her more than she knows. She has a terminal illness now and I wish to forgive her instead of depersonalising her all the time. Our household sounds very similar.

*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 2518
    • View Profile
Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2019, 03:54:39 PM »
Wattlebird, I am really glad that this helped you as well to read.  :hug: :hug: That is such a hard space to be in.

I have taken two days of PTO while my M is in town so there is only one day that I truly won't be around much, which is right in the middle of her visit. Will probably be good to have the little bit of space. It is a show of making time for her though. Monday lies smack dab in the middle of her visit, and I have to work a full day and then have therapy. She knows that is the one time I will not be overly available and is okay with that. I did a lot of thinking after reading Three Roses response last night and I do really want to try. I may not ever get the M I needed as a kid but it would be nice to have a better relationship with her as an adult now. It doesn't fix what was but it could be good for us both. I would like to have a M I can celebrate things with and be honest when I am stressed etc. She has been so much better since  the trip in October, part of that is how I present myself, the other part is truly her own shift I think. So here's to trying to extend an olive branch even if it is scary.  :hug:

*

Three Roses

  • Member
  • 2207
  • CPTSD is an injury, not an illness.
    • View Profile
Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2019, 06:22:46 PM »
I'm happy to hear your responses to my post, Elph and WB. I came to the forum just now to delete it, it felt way too revealing and I was a bit panicky about leaving it posted. So, if it was helpful I'll let it stand.

Elph, I really hope your M takes this opportunity to be vulnerable and bring even a little bit more closeness to your relationship. It's a wonderful opportunity that you are giving her.

WB, I can relate to what your M said about being scared of her dad, even when he was old and frail. I sometimes have to remind myself that I'm grown now, that I am not small and weak and at the mercy of every adult. Our bodies and brains remember the abuse, involuntarily.

Hugs to everyone.  :hug:

*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 2518
    • View Profile
Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2019, 07:10:51 PM »
:bighug:

Three Roses, I am beyond grateful that you posted it and have left it there. Your honesty was amazing and exactly what I needed. Helped remind me my M was a human too that didn't always have it easy... I could see that maybe just maybe it was worth having faith in her a bit and giving this opportunity to her, to know me. Not the me that I crafted for her a long time ago. Also thank you for phrasing it "It's a wonderful opportunity you are giving her", hearing it that way makes it something I can give and take away as needed. Something that is valuable. I will try to let her know me, and to just be with her when she is here. A part of that is due to your words, that is huge and I am grateful for that more than I can express. You give me some hope  :hug:

*

Three Roses

  • Member
  • 2207
  • CPTSD is an injury, not an illness.
    • View Profile
Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2019, 10:02:49 PM »
My dear Elph, you bring tears to my eyes. Thank you. ❤️

*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 2518
    • View Profile
Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2019, 10:06:43 PM »
I hope they are good tears my dear <3 Lots of love and hugs  :hug: :hug:

*

beingme

  • Member
  • 14
    • View Profile
Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2019, 06:57:46 AM »
Three Roses, so so glad you did not delete your post, it resonated with me alot.

I too grew up in a violent chaotic household with parents who had crappy childhoods and mental illness. It turned my sibings into narcissists and I was the scapegoat.

My dad is now dead but my mother has no awareness or interest of anything but herself. She suffered Post Natal depression while I was growing up. I don't think she will ever talk to me about it.

But I have been able today have a chat with my daughter about her own chaotic childhood, it wasn't much but a start and it was healing for me.

I am 53 and only starting to deal with a life time of gaslighting I wasn't even aware of properly. I am determined to heal though.

Thankyou

 Elphanigh : I hope your visit was positive

*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 2518
    • View Profile
Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #12 on: January 29, 2019, 02:10:02 PM »
Beingme, I am really glad you got the chance to talk to your daughter about those things. It was likely really healing for her as well. I am sorry that you had to grow up in that kind of situation as well.

I meant to come here at post at some point. My M is coming in on Friday, and I have thoughts about it but mostly I am able to look at it as a chance to grow and possibly allow myself to have an adult relationship with my M. I talked a lot to my T about it after EMDR last night and I think I am in a good space for this to happen. Will still be hard but I am in a place in my journey that this is safe for me.

*

Kizzie

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • 6820
    • View Profile
Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #13 on: January 29, 2019, 11:29:39 PM »
Rooting for you!   :cheer:

*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 2518
    • View Profile
Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #14 on: February 01, 2019, 10:08:03 PM »
Thank you!

Today is the day. I will see her in about and hour and have her until Wednesday evening. I have found that I am really nervous to have her in my space. Like I am hopeful but there is an anxiety that does not trust her good intentions still.. There is a part of me that worries that maybe just maybe she will be the M I need her to be and some part of me will tell her more than I should.

Is it bad it is just as scary to have her be the good M as it is to have her be the less than enough M I have growing up? It is scary to envision a time that she is the M I need her to be, even as an adult. I think that whole fear of the unknown thing kicks in right there.

I am hopeful that this time will be healing for me but not convinced it will be. Will keep you posted...

Here's to having all the strength I need to be either with an M that is not enough.. or the wisdom to know when she is being genuine.