M is coming to town

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Three Roses

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Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #15 on: February 02, 2019, 12:50:56 AM »
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Is it bad it is just as scary to have her be the good M as it is to have her be the less than enough M I have growing up?

Imo, no it's not. I think it's perfectly understandable. You don't want to be let down again.

And just as your healing and mine is not linear, neither will hers be. If she disappoints you, it does not necessarily have to be the end of attempts at healing between you. You'll know what to do - just close your eyes and listen. 😊

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Kizzie

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Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #16 on: February 04, 2019, 04:20:16 PM »
 :yeahthat:  How are things going so far Elph?

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Elphanigh

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Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #17 on: February 04, 2019, 05:20:33 PM »
Three Roses, I am glad it makes sense to be nervous either way. I have been trying to "close my eyes and listen" the last few days and so far feel like I am making the right decisions.

Kizzie, I really appreciate you checking in! Things are going surprisingly well. We have done some really fun things in the city but also just spent some quiet time doing puzzles and watching some 90s sitcoms that we both love. She has not even edged on being pushy, judgmental, or clingy. It is really strange but also nice. I do find that I still don't trust it and everything is very surface level because of it, but she is working to blend into my life here. She hasn't tried to change it or tell me what I am doing wrong. It is a beautiful change of pace.

Last night I went to bed and found myself crying for a while. I think getting a mom that is seemingly supportive and very caring this weekend was good but also painful. There is a bit of grief in getting what I needed back then about 20 years too late. I am still hesitant but so far I think over time I might allow her to have a more adult relationship with me that isn't just so surface level and avoidant.  I have genuinely enjoyed time with her, which I am not sure I thought I would be able to say.

I remain hopeful but skeptical as is to be expected I think. One step at a time, this feels like it is healing for me and maybe for her as well. Only time will tell.

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Kizzie

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Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #18 on: February 05, 2019, 04:25:41 PM »
So glad to hear this Elph and especially that you are willing to let her closer but are a bit cautious at the same time - seems like a healthy way of approaching things  :thumbup: 

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There is a bit of grief in getting what I needed back then about 20 years too late.

I am sorry younger you did not have this version of your M  :hug:  It was and is a big loss so I hope your tears and the way she is behaving now are healing.

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Elphanigh

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Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #19 on: February 06, 2019, 11:37:28 PM »
My M is on a place back home and I am in my space again. I have feelings about it but I am sitting with them for now. I will come back here and talk about it at some point. The rest of the days went well and I did feel sad to see her go. A smaller younger part of me really wanted her to stay but adult me was ready.

So I will process and work through what I am feeling. I did just want to stop by and say thank you for all the support and encouragement in this

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Three Roses

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Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #20 on: February 07, 2019, 04:07:23 AM »
 :applause: :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #21 on: February 07, 2019, 03:37:11 PM »
 :thumbup:   and   :hug:

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Elphanigh

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Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #22 on: February 08, 2019, 09:44:58 PM »
Thank you both for the  :hug: :hug:

It has been a a couple of days ish since she left. I have been journaling about it some before coming here since that night. My first realization is that when she left I hugged her a little more closely than I have  in years and meant the I love you a little more. I also teared up once she was out of view. Those tears were definitely my inner child.. Working with my IC I realized that my little 6 year old self felt like "mom was abandoning her again" and she just wanted to know why. As an adult I understand her going home and am glad to be back to my life a little more, even though the visit went well I am glad to have my space.

Six year old IC me, just wants her M because for once she was getting one on one attention and non-judgmental encouragement from her. For once there were healthy personal boundaries and goodness little me wanted to be mothered... To have that mom to hang out and play with her.. to care for her and tell her she is loved. She needs to hear that it will be okay, and that my M is sorry. I need to know she is sorry for not protecting me, and for not being present when I needed her to be. I need her to be sorry for how she treated my anxiety and how she ignored so many things because I was a good student and the less problematic child. I needed her then.. and now there is a part of me that wants to hear that she is sorry.

Having her here was good, because I could start to repair some of my adult relationship with her.. but it hurts the younger part of me that does not get to hear what she needs to. It was good to feel some sort of love from her but it will never be the same as a true apology for what she missed.. what she allowed to happen in my life. I know she may not have been able to prevent it all but she sure could have stopped it so much earlier, and gotten help for me when I was younger so that I could grow up a little more okay...

So I am glad the visit went well, kind of pleasantly surprised, but I am hurt because she missed so much. I am not sure I can ever let her in fully because of the past. She missed the better part of the first 24 years of my life... now that I am going to start my 25th in a few months she wants to visit and be present in my life.. it is too late for a lot of things. I am very split because I want a relationship with her but I also want to just shove her away and remind her of all the times I needed her and she wasn't there.. and to tell her she does not deserve to know me now.. The self I have worked so hard to build, heal, and grow is too precious and she had no piece of that.

I think all of that is probably as jumbled as my emotions are on it still.   :stars: :Idunno:

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Kizzie

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Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #23 on: February 09, 2019, 07:09:17 PM »
I can only imagine you are going through some conflicting emotions Elph.  FWIW I think you're doing a great job of naming and claiming them  :yes:   

 BIG :bighug: for younger you who didn't get the mother she needed and deserved.   

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Elphanigh

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Re: M is coming to town
« Reply #24 on: February 09, 2019, 07:27:38 PM »
Kizzie, conflicting is the perfect way to describe them. I am working to process them, just sitting and recognizing each of them for the moment. It is the best I can do, and that is okay. It is worth a lot to hear you think I am doing well.

:bighug: thank you. Younger me really needed and appreciated the hug  :hug: