Avoiding Confrontation

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goblinchild

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Avoiding Confrontation
« on: January 15, 2019, 10:38:04 PM »
Everyone in my family is really, really bad about confrontation. To the point where none of them do it at all. If I even touch on a sensitive subject with my brother, he'll straight up walk away in the middle of your sentence. My mom can admit that she isn't good with conformation but she'll let anyone treat her any way they want and she'll spin the situation around in her mind to make it where she was passive on purpose, like for some moral reason or something. When she gets in a situation where that doesn't work, she gets physically ill. My grandmother is similar.

I don't want to be like them and I've worked on it but this seems really unnatural to me? And there's so many scenarios that I don't know how to handle. If someone is actively talking to me and I need to confront them I will, but just now another family member was all worked up and having a tantrum and they just barged into the room I was trying to do schoolwork in (complicated math, I was trying to concentrate!) yelled one sentence at me about what was happening and then stormed out. I wasn't even acknowledging them and they had time to realize that but they just kept yelling about it anyways! At me! With flamboyant foot-stomping anger! They weren't even mad at me, they were mad at the situation and just wanted someone to yell about it at but I was BUSY and they were yelling at me? Who does that? And the situation itself was something I told them would happen the last time they got this upset and decided to make ridiculous decisions (that effect me) and now they're yelling about it as if it's someone else's fault.

They left as quickly as they barged in and I had to finish what I was doing. Their mood is so flippy, they're calm now but I feel like if I confront them about acting like a tantrum pitching toddler they'll just treat me like I'm overreacting.

Also, I produce more cortizol (fight or flight hormone) than other people along with having CPTSD, so every time something like this happens it spikes and it's very hard to deal with. It's like my body thinks I'm in the middle of a house fire and I can't focus on anything. And the CPTSD acts up too and it's like everything anyone around me does feels like a very real threat and I can feel my perception of the world being off but it's so all-encompassing. I can tell myself that it's not logical for everything to be like that but I genuinely can't tell which parts of reality I'm perceiving correctly and which I'm not. After the thing causing it has gone away, it takes about 2-3 hours to work its way out of my system. I don't feel normal afterwards but I feel like it's gone and I'm only suffering the after effects, if that makes sense? It's like my mind is on fire the entire time.

How am I supposed to deal with this? I feel like so many people have had power over me that I've subconsciously just...absorbed the way that I deal with them when there's conflict and the way that I feel and now I act and feel that way during conflict with anyone. I wish I could speak out more.

What I really want to do is get in a screaming match with this person. I feel like real family would be concerned if I were upset, even if I was screaming and being very mean. It's not like I ever have done that before. They go crazy all the time. But I feel like if I were to really express myself they would kick me out. They expect me to have all this acceptance and maturity and they have none.

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Slim

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Re: Avoiding Confrontation
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2019, 10:15:00 AM »
Hi Goblinchild, I grew up in a family like this too.
This is what I would say about your family....
They haven't learnt the social skills of how to confront issues, through co-operation. In fact, it sounds like they don't even know that this "is a thing". Of course people do this very normal activity, every day.  Your family just can't see it.

To confront/manage issues, requires people to say to each other "I don't know what to do here, what do you think? Let's find a solution together" In other words, show some vulnerability. Lots of people can't admit they don't know - a bit of pride.

Lastly, does your family have autistic spectrum, or Asperger traits?

Slim

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Wattlebird

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Re: Avoiding Confrontation
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2019, 10:43:17 AM »
Hi goblinchild
I could have written 95% of your post, I am so glad you can see these dynamics so clearly, based on my experience with this I found it difficult to get them to accept my boundaries, as you say they excuse it as overreacting and ignore it, because it's irrational anyway, I went into absorbs ion mode, when I was first married my h and I had and argument, he later came to me and apologised, I was completely dumbfounded and had no idea how to react, no one had ever given me that courtesy before then, so that's why I'm glad you recognise what's going on, best wishes

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Slim

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Re: Avoiding Confrontation
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2019, 10:58:47 AM »
Yes, Wattlebird, no-one ever apoligised in our house either.
Had never thought about this until now!
Thx

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goblinchild

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Re: Avoiding Confrontation
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2019, 07:43:42 PM »
Hi, sorry I never replied to this post!

Slim, those traits do run in the family. If you come across this reply it would be interesting to know how that relates to this problem? The person I was talking about in the example is married into the family though, so we're not blood related and the same problems don't run in their biological family so far as I know.